Coming to America!
by Satine89
Summary: Naruto and a ton of other ninja have been sent to America their new mission, apparently. And as they make new friends, fall in love, and go through typical teenaged angst, they crack crude jokes and try to escape from Itachi and his latest plan!
1. Default Chapter

**Coming to America! Episode One**

**Konoha Uprising! Scrolls of the American Dream!**

Everyone was psyched in the tiny ninja dimension. The five great powers of the ninja world, led by the Hokage, had announced that it was time for the great new Chunin of the ninja world to take part in a transfer program of sorts.

Ninja from all over the ninja world came to Konoha for the news of the transfer program.

Naturally, the first question was, "Where are we getting transferred?"

Well, the Hokage had an answer to that, too. It was written on individual slips of paper. But the answer that the Chunin got was a bit of a shock…

"America," Uzumaki Naruto read again. His head began to throb as he thought the hardest he had ever thought in his life. "America…"

The other two members of Naruto's ninja cell, Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke, watched pathetically as Naruto attempted to decipher this strange code.

Naruto turned to Sakura, the smartest person in their cell, if not Konoha itself. "What's America, Sakura-chan?"

Sakura looked at her own slip. It read the same thing as Naruto's: _Assemble in front of the ninja academy tomorrow at eight o'clock in the morning. You will need to bring basically everything you own. You are going to America. _Unfortunately, she had only a faint idea of what America might be… and tomorrow had turned into today.

Although the ninja realm was watched by many people across what was typically called 'Earth', the ninja had only two ways of knowing what happened on 'Earth': either the Hokage relayed information (and the last time this happened was after terrorist uprisings were becoming more commonplace), or you died. When you died, you could see whatever you wanted.

Sakura knew the rudimentary knowledge: America was a country on Earth, and their people are probably the most tolerant of violence in that world.

"It's a country on Earth," Sakura explained, her short pink hair bobbing with her fluid movements. She pointed her index finger up and shook her head. "That's about all I know about America, though. Sorry."

Sasuke looked out the window. _…America, eh? _

_I wonder how many training fields there are._

The room in the Ninja Academy was bustling with people frantically trying to learn what they could about America. Quite a few people asked Sakura, knowing how smart she was, but even more were interrogating Nara Shikamaru. Of course, interrogating someone is not what you should do in the face of the infamous Gaara of the Sand, who was leaning against the wall near Shikamaru. When Inuzuka Kiba was unleashing a particularly aggressive verbal attack, Gaara subconsciously encased Shikamaru in a sand shell.

No one messed with Shikamaru or Gaara after that.

Yamanaka Ino watched the clock ferociously, her makeup-lidded eyes frozen on the instrument. There was fifteen seconds left until eight o' clock. Her teammate, Akimichi Choji, was eating a bag of potato chips and watching the clock as well. Hyuuga Hinata was trying to avoid Hyuuga Neji's gaze as she hid behind a pillar. Aburame Shino was standing in the middle of the room, waiting for the bugs he planted on the tiles to tell him when the 'proctors' were coming. Rock Lee was getting all fired up (as always), and Tenten was conversing to her one-time rival, Temari of the Sand, Gaara's sister. Kankuro of the Sand was watching the three Otonin ninja out of the corner of his eye, making sure that Zaku, Kin, and Dosu didn't do anything that might warrant the presence of Orochimaru, the snake demon ninja.

The bugs on the tile leaped back into Shino's body in a second flat. Shino looked down at the ground, his glasses boring a hole in the floor.

"They're here."

The room filled with plumes of light blue smoke as multiple ninja appeared in the room. First it was Hinata, Kiba, and Shino's teacher, Kurenai. After, Rock Lee, Neji, and Tenten's sensei, Gai, and the jonin that watched over Ino, Choji, and Shikamaru, Asuma. Next were the proctor for the second part of the Chunin Exam, Mitarashi, and the proctor for the first part of the aforementioned exam, Morino. After that was the teacher at the Ninja Academy, and Naruto's idol, Iruka. The Hokage himself was last, but Sakura noticed that something was… missing. More like someone.

"Where's Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked after the smoke had cleared.

Iruka's head fell onto his chest, and Gai smirked, revealing his spectacularly clean teeth.

"I win this round, Kakashi-san…"

Sakura watched Iruka and frowned. No doubt he'd show up in a half-hour, telling a strange story of how a childhood friend from the Ninja Academy stopped him on the street.

The Fourth Hokage cleared his throat, and silence, once again, presided over the multitude of ninja present. Gaara pushed a cork into the tiny hole on the top of the giant gourd he carried on his back, his eyes lowered demonically.

"All right. I know that you all have been very worried about America," the Hokage began.

_If only you knew, _Shikamaru thought vehemently, shooting a withering glance at Kiba.

"Well, to make the transition easier, you will all be given host families. You will live with them, and the eldest of the family will protect your identity as a ninja. You see, in America, people go out of their way to kill assassins and snipers – their version of ninja. So don't tell a soul that you're a ninja!"

Sasuke remained emotionless. He wished that Itachi could be sent to America at the moment.

"There are three regions of America that you will be sent to," the Hokage explained, taking a great number of scrolls from the different proctors.

As Sakura predicted, as the Fourth Hokage took the scrolls from the jonin, Kakashi appeared in the midst of the room. An uneasy silence followed.

"I came across an old friend of mine, one I haven't seen since Ninja Academy…" Kakashi began before Naruto interrupted him.

"KAKASHI-SENSEI YOU BAKA!" Naruto cried playfully. He obviously didn't care so much. Sakura was slightly irritated. Sasuke was imagining Itachi being blown to bits by a bounty hunter.

Kakashi sweat-dropped before handing a handful of scrolls to the Hokage. The Hokage nodded his head, concealing his face of disbelief under the shadow of his giant hat.

"Alright… there is a scroll for each of you, explaining where you need to go and your aliases… where you go to school… all of the information you'll need for the year you'll be spending in America," the Hokage explained. "You will be leaving an hour after you get your scroll." He picked up a small pink scroll. "Haruno Sakura."

Sakura took her scroll from the Revered Hokage very uneasily. She yanked it open.

She was going to a state known as California. She read her scroll carefully as more scrolls were distributed. Sakura's new alias was Sakura Valance, soon to be Sakura Waterford, first name before last, and she was to live with the respected lawyer Terri Waterford and her daughter Jackie. She was to be an eighth grader at Jackson Price Middle School in Sacramento, and her house was just down the street. Since Sakura was very good at chakra control, but had no specific skills, she didn't need to perform technique-restraining spells on herself, the scroll said. Sakura didn't care that the scroll basically said she had no skills – she accepted and even appreciated it. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she had to deal with Gaara's sand control, or if she had to carry the Byakugan like Neji or Hinata.

Sakura saw that she was given a cell phone, a computer, and had been placed in AP Geometry by her host family. Sakura smiled at the scroll. Obviously her host family seemed to care about her enough to welcome her in.

Sakura looked up from her scroll for a brief second to find that everyone else around her was pretty much freaking out.

From the scattered yelling around her, Naruto lived in New York City, New York, along with Tenten, Dosu, Shikamaru, and Kankuro. Hinata, Rock Lee, and Shino were also coming to Sacramento – and going to the same school, no less – while Ino, Choji, Zaku, Kiba, and Kin were all headed to rural Kansas. Gaara, Sasuke, Temari, and Neji hadn't yet gotten their scrolls.

"Gaara of the Sand," the Hokage called. Gaara walked forward and took the navy blue scroll. He flipped it open and scanned the top – where your state was mentioned.

"Sacramento," Sakura heard Gaara mumble. Gaara continued to scan his scroll, his eyes occasionally straining as if deceived. After Temari and Neji received their scrolls, Gaara closed his up and stuck it on a small pocket on the strap that held the gourd to his back. Sakura discovered that Neji was going to New York with Naruto and that Temari was going to Kansas just by listening to conversation. Sakura then realized that there were now six people going to both Kansas and New York, but only five going to California. She grinned.

_Gonna make Sasuke mine!_

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 9:15 PM, SATURDAY MORNING**

Haruno Sakura fell to the ground in front of a swanky house in Sacramento. Glass covered the top floor of the immaculate white building, while a futuristic blue door lied underneath a balcony, shaded from the world. A quaint set of cement steps lead up to the door, and emerald grass lined both sides of the steps.

Sakura pulled herself off of the ground. She was wearing something nice enough: a black fishnet underneath her usual red dress, but instead of wearing her black spandex shorts underneath, she wore white linen capris. On her feet was a pair of black slip-on sneakers, given to her by Kakashi, who said that ninja sandals were not acceptable in America. They would raise questions.

Sakura dusted herself off as she began to walk up the steps. There were seven of them, all neatly arranged and shaped.

_Remember, _Sakura thought. _You are now Sakura Valance, the transfer student from Asia, Russia specifically. I lived in the capital, Moscow, and was the brightest student in class. I speak fluent English, and I am the daughter of a Russian seaman and a Japanese translator._

Sakura trudged up the last step, finding herself in front of the blue door. Sakura gulped nervously, wishing that she had the protection of her kunai knives or her shuriken. But, deep inside, Sakura knew she'd never need those things. Not with a host family as gracious as hers.

"Welcome in!" a girl with strawberry blonde hair with multicolored highlights smiled. Rock Lee held his duffel bag filled with stuff in front of his body, his bobbed hair moving slightly as he smiled widely.

The girl opened her eyes, and for a sudden instant, Lee could have sworn that the girl was blushing, as if stricken with love at first sight. But just as suddenly as he noticed it, his host's daughter was all good again.

"You must be Lee, then!" the girl grinned. Her eyes were a pretty blue, Rock Lee noticed. Pretty, like Sakura's eyes. "I'm Koku, by the way. Koku Reeves. My parents are waiting for you in the kitchen…"

Koku noticed Lee's huge bag. "I'll take that!"

Rock Lee's eyes widened. "No… A lady shouldn't have to take a man's bag."

"You're a guest," Koku frowned, pouting and placing her hand on her hip. Her pink tank top slithered along her body suggestively, and her black slacks fit loosely around her legs, bunching around her bare feet. Her toenails were painted a lavender color, contrasting her neon orange fingernails. "I have to take the bag."

"But it wouldn't be…"

Koku rolled her eyes. "I appreciate your chivalry, Lee… but you are the guest!"

Rock Lee sighed. Koku was determined, as determined as Naruto. Lee nodded finally, handing the bag over to Koku. The teenaged girl took the bag and walked around a corner before stopping and backtracking a step or two.

"You can come in," Koku said. "I'll show you your room, and then take you on a short tour. Sound good, Lee-san?"

Lee's face lit up. Lee… san? Koku knew some Japanese, obviously, and her knowledge of the suffixes made Lee feel slightly at ease.

"Sure, Koku-san," Lee nodded. Koku's face now lit up. Lee thought that this was because the two of them already had a common bond – Japanese. The real reason was that Koku was overjoyed at being respectfully identified by her (in Koku's opinion, super hot) guest.

Koku lugged the suitcase up the stairs, much to Lee's concern.

"Are you sure you have it?" Lee asked on more than one occasion. Koku nodded as she continued. Finally, the suitcase was up the stairs and in front of three different bedrooms. One room, the right room, had its door closed, but the door was decorated with pictures of the latest movie stars and makeup ads and pretty models in skimpy dresses. The left room's door was open, and the room was a shade of calming sky blue, decorated with tiny painted clouds floating around the walls. On the floor were piles of books, comics, DVDs, and many sheets of paper. Lee assumed that to be Koku's room. The middle room was open, and painted a forest green – Lee's favorite color. The room had a bed, but looked undecorated. Lee tried to see farther inside of this room, wondering who on earth could live so barrenly.

"We didn't know how to decorate your room," Koku began, "so we figured we'd leave it to you."

Lee looked at Koku with admiration. In five seconds, Lee had dumped his duffel into his room and began to unpack things.

Koku smirked. "You're energetic." Koku looked on as Lee placed a small kabuki doll on a dresser in the right corner of the room, next to a CD player provided by the family. Lee froze as he looked at the wide device. Lee popped the lid. Inside was a white CD, with 'NEW MIX' written on it in a red permanent marker. Lee closed the lid, and looked at the array of buttons. He found what he was looking for – play – and pressed it. An old pop standard ('Hit Me Baby One More Time') started to filter out through the CD player's speakers.

Lee cocked his head. Koku smirked.

"I didn't know what songs you liked, so I put a bunch of stuff on there," Koku explained. "Next song is the Star Wars Theme, and after that is Days Go By from Keith Urban…"

Lee stared at the CD player. He had found a new friend in Koku.

"Sorry, I would take you on a tour of the house… but you've seen most of it," the older man explained to Hinata. The man had brown hair, thick and formed into a buzz cut. He was at least thirty, and wore a button-down shirt, jeans, and some running shoes on his feet. Hinata already liked her host, James Morrow, and his wife, Sammie, who was in the small kitchen, cooking a small meal for Hinata's arrival.

"That's all right, Mr. Morrow," Hinata said politely. She smiled from underneath her baseball cap that she had gotten from Kiba before she left. James blinked before kneeling down to Hinata's level.

"Okay, Hina," James responded. Hinata smiled still – her new name was Hina Morrow, she remembered. "One thing… don't call me Mr. Morrow. You're my daughter now, so you can call me James, or Dad, or whatever… just not Mr. Morrow. Got it?"

Hinata nodded. Life here was already different from her home life in Konoha.

James took her into the kitchen, where a woman of about thirty was tossing a salad. Her red hair fell to her shoulders, and her green eyes watched the salad carefully, so that no lettuce leaked out of its Tupperware casing. When James and Hinata walked into the small, 60's-sitcom-esque room, Sammie looked over and put down the salad.

"Hey, Hina!" Sammie smiled brightly. "You got here okay, I see?"

"Yes, I got here fine," Hinata responded cheerfully.

James leaned against one of the cabinets. "Hina, you know that you're going to go to school here too, right?"

"Yes," Hinata answered. "Jackson Prince Middle School, right?"

Sammie nodded. "The perfect place to go to school. It's got lockers, and great teachers, and friendly students…"

Hinata could feel the warmth that her new parents felt for her, and was glad that someone knew her worth. She wasn't just the holder of the bloodline anymore. She was a person.

Sakura pushed another forkful of Mexican lasagna into her mouth. She was beyond full, but the food was so good that she had to keep going.

A dishwater blonde sitting next to Sakura was obviously full as well, but kept eating. Her hair fell on the side of her face, and her hair was as short as Sakura's. In all actuality, the girl's hair resembled Sakura's in an eerie way. The girl wore a loose, 'Flashdance'-esque blue sweater over a white tee shirt and black tap pants. Her smile was bright and her napkin was covered with stains.

"Sakura," the girl asked as she stabbed her fork into a small mound of rice, "you're going to Jackson Price, right?"

"Of course, Jackie," Sakura answered. Sakura's green eyes were even similar to Jackie's: both emotional but not too wide, an emerald shade.

An older woman with flowing brown hair at the end of the table had long ago put down her fork, but she stayed at the table anyway. Her eyes were forest green, and her charcoal pantsuit was as elegant as pantsuits came. On her feet was a pair of brown loafers.

The older woman looked at Sakura and Jackie, who were just a few inches away. "I've heard that you're an excellent student from your teacher… I believe his name was Hatake Kakashi, right?"

Sakura nodded. "Kakashi-sensei is very nice to me and my classmates, Mrs. Waterford. But he's never on time… very belated."

Jackie stifled a giggle with a forkful of rice. Sakura looked over to her.

Jackie was very nice, and so was Mrs. Waterford, but Sakura couldn't help but wonder why there was no male figure present. Sakura was too polite to ask, but her Inner Sakura was screaming questions at her.

"What happened to Jackie's father?" Inner Sakura yelled at Sakura. "Ask them where he is! Nothing wrong with a simple question! You're so unassertive, Sakura! You should take after me!"

Sakura didn't listen to Inner Sakura. She had only listened to Inner Sakura once in her life, and that was when she rejected Rock Lee.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 9:24 AM, SATURDAY MORNING 

Dosu shoved the appliance that usually adorned his arm into a bag. Since Kankuro, Naruto, and he all lived with the same host family, he met the two of them in front of the large duplex that sat square across from a strip mall. The duplex was painted beige (a color that Kankuro noted looked like the color of some of the jonin's jackets) with a brown door. Small, square windows peppered the wall like gunfire on a metal plate, and lining the walls were small cosmos, roses, and dandelions. It looked well kept up, and Dosu was glad. If he had learned anything from Konoha – and Naruto in particular – if a house looked shabby, chances were the inside was even worse.

Kankuro had the nerve to walk up to the door first. He had parted with Crow and gave it to the Hokage (albeit grudgingly), and now wore a white tee shirt and brown cargo pants. Naruto was wearing a white tank top and his usual orange pants; Dosu was wearing a red sweater and baggy jeans. There was, needless to say, no wallet chain or even a trace of metal on any of the three boys.

Kankuro knocked on the door. A small pause accompanied the shuffling of Dosu and Naruto's feet. The pause lasted three, then four seconds.

The brown door opened. A tan man of about twenty-two opened the door. He had small round glasses over his hazel eyes, and he wore a blue shirt and black pants. On his right forearm was a small tattoo of a spiral design, and his hair was almost all shaved off.

Dosu looked at the man. _He must be Samuel Rinker._

The man smiled. "Hey! You're probably the transfer students, right?"

"Sure are!" Naruto yelled happily. Kankuro remained expressionless, but he wished he had the same optimism Naruto had. Dosu nodded in agreement.

"Well, then, come in! My sister's in the bathroom, but you'll meet her too," the man offered. "I'm Samuel Rinker, and my sister's name is Kinsey. We want you to feel right at home here… we've got enough rooms for you guys, don't worry!"

Naruto stepped warily into the house before realizing that there would be no traps waiting for him. This was America, not Konoha.

Dosu and Kankuro followed Naruto at a brisk pace as Samuel gave the guys a tour of the huge duplex. He pointed down a long hallway.

"The second room on the right is Naruto's," Samuel explained. "The third on the left is mine, the third on the right is a bathroom, fourth on the right is Dosu's, fourth on the left is Kinsey's, and at the end of the hall is Kankuro's."

The three boys nodded. Second right, Naruto. Fourth right, Dosu. End of hall, Kankuro. Samuel led the boys away from the hall and to the TV room (which had a good sized TV and a library of movies), the living room (a quaint room with cream carpeting), and finally the kitchen (the biggest room in the house).

Kankuro, Naruto, and Dosu looked at each other. They were overjoyed, but all of them wore the expression that screamed, "If I get lost, you'll help me, right?"

RURAL KANSAS: 9:40, SATURDAY MORNING 

"I'm hungry."

Choji heard his stomach grumble pitifully. Ino stared out into the vast expanse of uninhibited blue sky as Kin looked at the emerald grass below her blue Speedo sandals. Zaku was testing the air with short blasts from the air holes in his hand. Even though Shino had ripped his air tubes apart in the Chunin Selection exams, he could still deliver very short blasts of air from his hands. Temari gripped the handle of a small fan, fanning herself off. It was eighty degrees, normally nice weather, but Temari was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt and tan slacks. She was burning up.

Kiba and his dog, Akamaru, were observing what lied around them. There was no shortage of open sky or jade grass - that was certain.

"We shouldn't have trusted Kakashi's sense of direction," Temari noted as she continued to wave the fan up and down. Zaku, sensing how Temari was sweaty and turning slightly red, blasted some cool air towards her. It was a short blast, but the Sand Ninja looked better already.

"Thank you," Temari said.

Zaku smirked. "It's all these air holes are good for now."

Kin said nothing. She knew that there was a ring of truth to Zaku's words, but she couldn't bring herself to accept the awful truth – Zaku would stay a chunin forever if he didn't fully regain his skills.

"Where are we?" Ino asked.

"Kansas," Kiba responded tartly.

"I meant where in Kansas, you dick," Ino snapped. "It seems like we're in the middle of nowhere."

Kin reached into a pocket on her long black skirt. She pulled out five bells attached to small sticks.

Temari's eyes widened. "We can't use our skills, Kin!"

"I know we can't, but this isn't a ninja skill," Kin responded as she held the five sticks in her fist. "It's more of a human skill. Do you know how blind people know that there's a wall near them?"

Ino nodded suddenly. "Oh yeah! They listen to see if the sound bounces off of something!"

"Precisely," Kin nodded. "But since I'm not entirely human, this little bell ringing skill is a very useful tracking tool."

Kin now held the sticks between her fingers. In a swift movement, she threw all five in the air in different directions. The bells rang resoundingly.

Kin noticed a bell pointing to the south had bounced off of something three miles in, but the westerly bell was reacting to something five miles away.

The bells clattered to the ground. Kin looked to her south, then to her west.

"There's something to the south – three miles out," Kin told the others. "But there's also something five miles west."

Kiba paused before sniffing the air. "We should go south first… it's closer, and if we're wrong, we just retrace our steps."  
"A good idea," Zaku nodded.

Choji moaned as he sat on his duffel bag. "Food…"

Ino snapped. "Don't you have ANY food in there!"

Choji blinked. "Why of course!"

"Then why don't you eat it…?" Kin growled as she retrieved her bells off the ground.

Choji began to unzip his duffel bag.

KONOHAGAKURE: 9:45 AM 

Gai and Kakashi stared into the Hokage's glass ball. Inside it they saw scenes of their underlings adjusting to life in America.

"Poor Lee," Kakashi murmured. Gai came to attention.

"What on earth do you mean, Kakashi?" Gai asked.

Kakashi didn't need to use his Sharingan to see it. "Koku already has it in for him – and Lee doesn't see that she's infatuated."

"They've been together for ten minutes," Gai muttered in disbelief.

"What about Lee and Sakura?" Kakashi noted. "Didn't Lee only know her for five seconds before asking her on a date?"

Gai sunk his head. "I guess… what about the others?"  
"Sasuke seems to have adjusted," Kakashi said. "I was worried about him… living with a band front man and his kid brother seemed slightly off… Sakura and Hinata are fine; of course… we knew they'd be good… Naruto, Kankuro, and Dosu seem to be getting along well… Neji is a bit cold towards his family, but they're psychologists… they think it's displacement anxiety, thank God… Shikamaru is okay… Tenten looks as if she's doing all right… her family is a bit eccentric, but she'll pull through, like always… the Kansas people are trying to track down the farm they're headed to… Kin is an excellent navigator, I must say… Shino is good… Rock Lee, good…"

"What about Gaara?"

Kakashi stood still.

"I'm not sure I want to find out…"

End Episode One 

A/N: Konichiwa! Sorry about the delay in stories, but my computer got attacked by spyware, and I lost ALL of my stories. Until I get those back up to speed, I'll be putting some work into this one. If you want to see another character in the mix, or if you want a weird pairing… review! I'll try my best! I promise to try and make it work!

Ren: Don't go all Rock Lee on us.

Satine: But Rock Lee is cool!

Ren: …

Satine: Anyway! Reviews please, and I hope that I didn't take an idea from anyone. Just so you know, I am NOTHING like Jackie or Mrs. Waterford or Samuel. I am more like Koku, if anything. And I also added a new characteristic to Kin: she's a superb navigator. Kin never struck me as a ninja with explicit skills (like Sakura) except for her keen sense of sound and nasty demeanor, so I gave her the ability to use her sense of sound to navigate.

Wow, that was a long author's note…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto or any aforementioned products.

Preview of Episode Two 

School is beginning – the second semester of Jackson Price Middle School's year, to be exact! Sakura, Sasuke, Rock Lee, and Shino are in the same Geometry class, and since Lee has it in for Sakura, you can bet that there'll be a jealous Koku, who is also an Honors student! And… what's this? Does Gaara have a stalker? Or is the cute little Asian girl Lin just in need of a friend?

In New York City, Naruto, Kankuro, and Dosu meet up with Tenten at a tough new school where a rough gang of kids called the Scalpels want to break in the new students. Of course, Shikamaru can outwit the gang, and Neji is so cold that anyone in their right mind would leave him alone… but what can a ninja do in a fight without ninja skills?

Back in Kansas, Kin's method of tracking is going well… until the group encounters the ghost of a vengeful hitchhiker! As everything plays into a surreal supernatural exorcism for Temari, Ino wrestles with the thought of using Art of the Valentine to free Temari!

Next time – Episode Two: Come Monday Morning! A New Challenge for the Ninja!

Naruto: I have a big role in this one!

Sakura: No! I do!

Kiba: SHADDAP!

Lee: Ganbare! Ganbare! Come on, cheer for the ninja!

Shikamaru: How troublesome…


	2. Episode Two!

Coming to America! Episode Two 

**Come Monday Morning! A New Challenge for the Ninja!**

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 8:00, MONDAY MORNING 

Rock Lee and Koku Reeves walked down the sidewalk towards Jackson Price Middle School. Lee was wearing a forest green tee shirt and normal-fitting jeans. Koku was wearing a lemon-yellow blouse, a black skirt, and blue flip-flops. She looked as she always did – presentable, yet hip – but she was trying VERY hard to impress her new "brother", Lee.

"What's your schedule?" Koku asked in curiosity as the two of them rounded a corner and headed towards a street crossing.

Lee pulled a neatly folded paper out of his jeans' pocket. Koku smirked.

_He folds paper so well! _She thought. _Unlike myself…_

Lee unfolded the paper swiftly as he continued to walk along the sidewalk. "Let's see… Geometry, first period; English, second; PE, third period; um… after that is History, then Journalism… last is Science."

Koku's face lit up. "I have five classes with you!"

Lee blinked. "But that isn't possible… I mean, if you…"

"Baka-kun," Koku teased playfully. "During the period you have Journalism, I have Associated Student Body – ASB. I'm the secretary of ASB… it's a cool class."

Lee thought for a few seconds, and then nodded. It made perfect sense.

The two of them reached the curb before the street, and waited for the walk light to flash at them.

"So, Koku-san," Lee asked, "do you know where the classrooms are?"

Koku scoffed. "Of course! Even though I'm just an 8th grader, I know a lot about the school."

(Note: In some schools, middle school goes from 7th to 9th grade.)

Lee cocked his head. "If you don't mind… can I hang out with you? So I know where to go and who everyone is…?"

Koku turned a bit red before her face cleared. "I don't mind, Lee. Don't think that I don't want you with me."

"Why?" Lee asked.

"Well…" Koku mused. The traffic signals for the cars turned yellow. "You're practically my nii-san, my brother. I have to look out for you… as a sister. That's what sisters do."

Koku sighed in relief. She didn't have to confess her sudden love for Rock Lee.

The traffic signal turned red, and the walk light shone brightly in the tepid January air. Koku and Lee stepped off the curb and walked across the street.

-

Uchiha Sasuke is bold… in battle. In everything else, he listens but says nothing; observes but never adds anything useful unless absolutely necessary. Combined with his pretty-boy looks, his silence was his main appeal. Many girls at Jackson Price, the moment he walked into their midst, thought that this was because he was brooding over some love from his home. In reality, he was just trying to suppress his urge to throw a shuriken at some of the blonde bimbos gaping at him, open-jawed and salivating.

He trotted through the main doors and found himself in a hallway with white tile and lockers smashed against the walls. The walls themselves were a pale tan, and littering the hallway were… humans.

Sasuke knew about… humans. Apparently, none of them had any ninja powers, and for the most part got along without the powers of ninja. The only people with true ninja powers in the human realm were what Earth dwellers called "psychics". That psychic power was really just their chakra reacting with the earth around them.

Sasuke looked at the slip given to him by his caretaker, the front man for the underground band 7 Licks, Jason Hyman. It said, in short, succinct wording, everything he'd need to know about school – like his locker number and combination.

Sasuke read the slip again. It said he had locker number 710. Sasuke looked at a nearby locker. 710.

_That was fast._

Sasuke looked at the slip again (for the combination), and then twiddled the dial as swiftly as he could. The locker yielded gently (and if that was because Sasuke had channeled a bit of chakra into his hand or because the locker wasn't broken, we'll never know), and opened quickly. Inside were the essentials: geometry, English, History, science, and literature books. Sasuke looked at the slip. His elective was Classic Literature. So that's what the literature book was for.

Sasuke took off the heavy black coat he was wearing and hung it in his dress-length locker. It fit snugly on a small hook. Next order of business was the textbook he needed first – Geometry. Sasuke stuck the piece of paper into the pocket of his tan pants and shut the door to his locker lightly. Sasuke turned around, ready to walk to Geometry, when he saw a familiar redhead standing in front of him.

"Gaara," Sasuke whispered. The Sand Ninja only nodded.

"So you're here too?" Sasuke uttered, his Geometry book gripped in his right hand.

"Of course…" Gaara murmured. Slung along his back was a messenger bag backpack. On closer inspection, Sasuke realized that it was formed from the same material as Gaara's gourd – sand. He was on dangerous ground with the assumption that sand formation wasn't a ninja skill.

"You aren't in Geometry?" Sasuke asked. Gaara shook his head, and reached into the sand bag. He pulled out a book titled "Filmmaking 101".

"Filmmaking?" Sasuke repeated.

Gaara began to walk past Sasuke. As he brushed past the Uchiha boy, he whispered, "If I cannot channel my energies into killing you, maybe this will appease me."

Gaara shifted down the hallway, loose jeans and a dirt brown shirt clinging to his pallid, skinny frame.

Sasuke gritted his teeth for a second before relaxing.

_I can't let him get to me… not here._

Sasuke loosened his grip on the Geometry book and sauntered down the hallway, pretty girls staring at him. Their gazes bored a hole through him, and he really wished that he could use some of his flame-style techniques on them, just to get them to stop. For a year, the only weapon in his arsenal was his death glare.

Sasuke, instead of giving said glare, focused on finding room 812.

-

Sakura took her seat next to Jackie in room 812 – Geometry, an advanced placement class. All of Sakura's lessons on trajectory and physics from the ninja academy would help her out… she knew it. She was more worried about her new classmates than geometry skills at the moment.

Jackie, a girl with strawberry blonde hair and a load of highlights, a guy with black hair that fell in his face, the ever-creepy Aburame Shino, and she were the only people in the room. Shino seemed to have adjusted well, wearing a sports jersey over a gray long-sleeved shirt and khaki-like pants. He still wore his dark glasses, and had placed a bandage over the holes that released his deadly bugs. He was digging through his backpack, searching for a notebook. Sakura turned to the strawberry blonde girl. She looked ultra-hip, in a yellow blouse that curved around her body perfectly and a knee-length black skirt. She was doodling in her notebook. The boy with the black hair that fell in his face was looking over the girl's shoulder. The boy said something. The girl snapped back a sarcastic reply. The boy unloaded an arsenal of hard words. The girl nodded before giving another brief response. This response seemed to embarrass the boy.

Another person entered the room. Sakura almost gasped. It was the hottest, the coolest, and the coldest student in all of Konoha – Uchiha Sasuke! Sakura felt her knees get weak in her seat, and her eyes became glassier than usual.

The strawberry blonde girl looked up at Sasuke before turning back to her notebook. The look on her face was one of conflicting emotion.

The boy behind her watched Sasuke carefully as he took a seat next to Shino.

(It had often been said that Sasuke and Shino would make the perfect couple, seeing as the only time they talked was when they were explaining their perfected ninja techniques.)

Anyway, the boy was mesmerized. Captivated beyond comprehension. However you want to put it, the boy couldn't take his eyes off of the new transfer student.

"Who's that, Koku?" the boy asked the strawberry blonde in front of him.

Koku held up her drawing. "It's the hottest shaman in the Shaman Tournament, Tao Ren, the cold-hearted –"

"Not your drawing!" the boy snapped. "I meant the guy that just walked in!"  
Koku turned around. "Asher-kun, you know that I haven't a clue who these people are…"

"…Except for your new brother," Asher finished. "I get it. So that's not your new brother."

"Nope, nii-san isn't here," Koku murmured.

Asher turned to face Sasuke again. He was definitely a cool customer. A very cool customer, Asher reasoned. He'd be cool enough to hang out with Brad's gang of skaters… or Angeline's group of punks… or Asher's own group of talented guitarists and rockers.

Asher smirked. He was going to get Sasuke into his group if it killed him.

More students filed into the classroom. Koku watched the door until she saw Rock Lee. Lee passed her before sitting in the seat in front of her.

"Nii-san!" Koku smiled. Lee turned around.

"Koku-kun," Lee greeted.

"Did you find your locker okay?"

"Yep, no problems."

Asher looked at this boy. He was strange, all right – he had huge eyebrows and a haircut that made his hair resemble a bowl. His eyes, however, were passionate and focused, as if they belonged to a kick boxer or someone with equal strength.

"Is that your brother?" Asher asked.

"Yep. Asher-kun, meet Rock Lee. Lee-kun, Asher Curtis."

Rock Lee and Asher both nodded at each other. Koku scoffed. Boys. They had their own rituals.

Asher suddenly got a brilliant (or… not so brilliant… or… something…) idea. "Lee… do you know who that guy in the blue turtleneck thing is?"

Lee looked over. He gasped. He didn't see Sasuke. He did see the blindingly beautiful angel Sakura. He stood up and walked in her direction.

"What the hell is he doing?" Asher asked Koku.

"He's quite impulsive."

"Obviously…"

Lee looked down at Sakura. Sakura gave a small smile.

"Hey, Lee. What's up?" Sakura asked.

Lee coughed before blushing slightly.

"Sakura… would you… um… uh… go out with… me?" Lee petered out.

Sakura's grin disappeared, replaced by a sweat drop. "No, Lee…"

Sasuke ignored this. _Lovesick pigs, the lot of them…_

_Of course, I'm no better… and I'm separated from the one person that I could possibly…_

_Stupid! Baka! I can't think that! I can't think of him…!  
Baka! Why'd I say him…? Oh yeah, he is a he… funny how love can cloud the simplistic facts._

Shino ignored this as well.

_I wonder how much lunch costs here… _

Koku, however, far from ignored this. In fact, she was desperately trying to keep her cool. If you didn't know Koku, you'd think nothing was wrong. Of course, Asher, having known her since 6th grade (when Koku was in love with him), could tell how angry she was. He grinned.

"Do you like him?" Asher asked suggestively.

"Depends. Why are you in love with a male?" Koku shot back.

Asher immediately turned red. He was deeply homophobic, and really didn't appreciate how Koku used gay comments to scare the crap out of him.

Koku didn't care about Asher's phobia right at the moment. She just knew that she had a rival.

This Sakura girl was going down!

-

Gaara frowned. He hated groups. However, it's very hard to make a movie when all you have is yourself. What would you film – a documentary on nature on a school campus? Nope, Gaara admitted grudgingly that he had to be in a group.

Fortunately, the shy little Konoha chunin Hinata (now named Hina) was in his group. He had a ninja with him. That gave him a very slight amount of relief. The other two people in his group were a little Chinese girl named Lin and a redhead named Sarah. Lin had short, wiry black hair, and small eyes. Her face was always smiling. Sarah had short, silky red hair, wide eyes, and a strange mixture of a scowl and a smile on her face.

Hinata picked up the camera. "Well, what should we do?"

Sarah already had an answer. "We should make a campy movie - like Napoleon Dynamite! Except we'd make it smarter, slicker, and cooler, with some action – like The Bourne Supremacy! And then we'd add some sexy romance – like Troy! After that, we throw in some seismic drama – like In the Bedroom! We have to have some sci-fi, like Star Wars! Finally, we add a great pop soundtrack, as good as the one for The Big Chill!"

Lin scoffed. "So we'll have Matt Dillon playing a spy from a mythic planet in love with a beautiful princess with a Liger, a Hispanic friend, and a chain-smoking mother… and the pair of them begin dancing to a Pat Benatar song. It makes perfect sense, Sarah."

"I think… something simplistic," Hinata suddenly said. "A short movie, with a straightforward plot and a little bit of everything…"

Gaara nodded. "Yes, something simple."

"I like that idea," Lin smirked. "Anyone got suggestions?"

Gaara thought.

"A serial killer kills the entire world."

Sarah sweat dropped. "Um, no thanks…"

-

Gaara shuffled down the corridor, towards locker 1529, when he saw, out of the corner of his black-rimmed eyes, that someone was following him. His grip on the strap of his sand backpack tightened slightly, but he dispelled his anger as quickly as he could. He couldn't let his demon come out – that would be disastrous. Gaara figured that maybe the person following him was one of the ninja, making sure that no blood had dyed his hands yet.

Gaara's senses immediately tried to feel some chakra from the person following him. There was none. It was a normal person.

Gaara whirled around. It was Lin following him. For the first time, Gaara noticed that Lin looked slightly off-kilter. Her shirt was a blue spaghetti strap, hidden beneath a male dress shirt overcoat. Over her banged-up jeans were a tie-dyed skirt and a rope belt. However, everything fit together for some reason.

"Why are you following me?" Gaara inquired.

Lin looked up, her small eyes blinking in shock, as if she'd been found out. "I wanted to tell you… that I thought your idea was a bit strange, but I liked it."

Gaara nodded. "Thanks, but why didn't you just tell me?"

Lin jumped. "Ah… oh my God, my next class is in the back building! Later!"

Gaara watched Lin run away, down a hallway, which he knew led to a dead end.

_Oh boy, _Gaara thought sarcastically. _A stalker. Just what I need._

RURAL KANSAS, 9:35 PM, SATURDAY EVENING 

All of the ninja were beat to the point of collapsing. The three-mile trek had lasted a lot longer than any of them thought possible, partly because Choji was slower than molasses spreading across an icy lake in the middle of a frozen-over Hell.

The three miles had been completed, nevertheless. Kin looked around. The solid thing they had sensed was a bus stop, not their new home. It was relatively simplistic, with a small metal bench, a bus stop sign, and a billboard turnstile, advertising a Rocky Horror Picture Show showing at the local cinema.

Ino looked up at the metal bench. She could have sworn she had seen a real person at this desolate, out of the way bus stop. Well, the blonde flower shopkeeper was partly right. It was a person.

A wide-brimmed hat covered the man's face, and most of his body was covered by a large shepherd's poncho. On his feet was a pair of boots, which didn't quite gel with his outfit. His face was completely covered in shadow, and his body glowed in a very strange fashion.

Kin looked at what Ino was so obviously gaping at, and she gasped. Temari, Choji, Kiba, and Zaku now took it that something wasn't quite right – besides the fact that they weren't at their house.

The man extracted his arm from the poncho. There was a collective intake of breath before the man simply stuck out his thumb.

"It's a hitchhiking ghost," Kiba said before cracking up for no reason.

Kiba later regretted his laughter. The wide-brimmed hat turned to face the six ninja, and, in one swift motion, the ghost engaged a saw blade embedded into the rim of the hat and threw it.

"Holy shit -!" Kiba screamed before the ninja broke their ranks. The hat continued to fly around like a boomerang. Temari smacked the hat with her fan; finally stopping it after it slashed open Zaku's cheek, scraped Kiba, and nicked Akamaru's tail.

The hitchhiking ghost faced the six teens. And what a face it was. It was mangled with horrific burn marks, much like the Phantom of the Opera, and his right eye was severely dilated. Square over the right eye, as if an explanation for the dilation was a small bullet hole. Messy black hair covered the left side of his face.

Temari's jaw dropped. "Guys, we have to leave -!"  
Kin jumped in front of her, a bell in hand. "Leave it to me!"  
Kin threw one of her bell sticks at the hitchhiker, but it went right through him and fell harmlessly on the ground. Kin gulped some air, assuming it would be one of her last breaths.

Temari, sensing some form of ancient anger inside of the ghost, began to run back to where the six of them were so gracefully deposited in Kansas.

The ghost saw Temari running, and, in a swift move, smashed into Temari, entering her body. Temari shuttered, and blood began to spew from her back where the ghost had entered. As magically as the blood appeared, it disappeared, collecting into her shirt. Temari fell to the ground.

Zaku was the first to move. "Temari!"

He began to run to the Sand Ninja, but Ino stopped him.

"Ino, we have to -!" Zaku began to protest.

"Who knows what the ghost did to Temari?" Ino snapped back. "This could be a trap! This could be a test! Temari could be dead! That might not even be Temari! Look first, then run!"

Kiba watched Akamaru sniff the air before jumping into Kiba's arms, petrified. Kiba blanched.

"What is it?" Kin asked, leaning down to pick up her bell stick.

"Akamaru… he's sensing the ghost's chakra," Kiba explained.

"And?" Choji sighed. He didn't get it, and he was getting worried. When he got worried, he got hungry.

"This ghost's chakra… it's foul and enormous," Kiba mouthed, looking at Akamaru.

Ino looked down at her hands. She knew that this could all end if she just used Art of the Valentine, but she couldn't use it. She couldn't.

Temari's head rose. Her eyes had become black specks in twin white lakes. Temari pulled a switchblade out of the air and pointed it at her heart. The ghost was clearly pissed off.

Ino heard her heartbeat in her chest. This wasn't good. No good at all. She had to use Art of the Valentine. She was sure Asuma would understand.

Ino raised her hands in the shape of the symbol towards Temari. The switchblade was inches away from her skin, and Ino felt sweat dapple her skin. If only Temari had the dual personality of Sakura. Maybe then she could pull through.

"Art… Art of the Valentine!" Ino yelled. Nothing happened. Temari moved the switchblade closer to her.

Ino stared at her hands. Nothing had happened. That meant one of two things: she missed (not probable) or the reason that she couldn't use ninja techniques was that they didn't work in the Human Realm (very possible). Ino shuttered. That knife was about to plunge into Temari.

Kiba bit his tongue so hard that blood began to leak from his mouth. He didn't notice, because the situation at hand was the worst he'd ever been in – worse than training under Kurenai, worse than the Forest of Death, worse than losing to Naruto, worse than hearing that Hinata was near dead, and worse than hearing… hearing that Ino… that she loved…

Kiba snarled. Now this hitchhiker had gotten him mad… really mad. In a second, Kiba kicked Temari in the chin hard. Temari fell backward.

"What the hell are you doing, Kiba?" Ino screamed. "You're not supposed to hurt her!"

Kiba ignored Ino, something that was rather hard for him to do. Instead, he punched Temari in the stomach, sending her flying backward, unconscious. Kiba ran over to her limp frame. The switchblade was lying on the ground, flickering like an Ed Wood movie. The ghost popped out of Temari, but as he tried to get away, Kiba already had him marked. Kiba grabbed the flickering switchblade and plunged it into the hitchhiking ghost. If it was possible, the ghost disappeared… or something.

The switchblade disappeared. Choji, Zaku, Kin, and Ino were stunned speechless. Kiba had single-handedly beaten down one of the toughest adversaries they had ever seen.

"Kiba…" Ino began to say before shaking her head. Still speechless.

Kiba turned to Temari, who was already trying to get up on her feet. Temari looked at Kiba before smiling.

"Thank you…" she managed to peter out before closing her eyes and falling over. Zaku dashed over and caught her before she hit her head.

Kin sighed. "It's been a rough night. We should get some sleep before retracing our steps and going another way."

"Right," Zaku agreed, placing

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 10:10, MONDAY MORNING 

At Longoria Casablanca Junior High School, there were three kinds of people: the gang-bangers, the smart kids, and the ones that were always hopelessly stuck in the middle of the never-ending "turf wars" that went on at the school.

"Longoria Casablanca means White House Longoria," Kankuro noted during the first nutrition break he had ever been in. "Who's Longoria?"

Naruto and Dosu shrugged. Naruto had already cemented his reputation for a dunce in English class, and a "gang" called the Goths had approached Dosu, trying to get him to join. Dosu had no intention of sticking near anyone who wasn't a ninja.

Sitting next to Naruto and Dosu was Shikamaru, acting like the lazy slacker he was. Naruto was in all of Shikamaru's classes, and he already knew that his teachers, while finding him completely lazy and an easy target for persecution, were amazed at his smartness and his calculating abilities. In English, while reviewing various grammar rules, Shikamaru paid little to no attention to the teacher. The teacher, noticing this, asked a few questions. Shikamaru answered them all correctly, hands behind his head, looking out the window.

Shikamaru sighed. "Longoria is the last name of actress Eva Longoria. She plays one of the Desperate Housewives."

Naruto, Dosu, and Kankuro immediately nodded agreement. By far the best thing that they had ever seen in New York was the television box, or the TV, as it was called. Of all the shows that the satellite device gave the three accesses to, "Desperate Housewives" was the one that interested them most. They liked the actress who played Bree, although Naruto really was envious of the gardener.

Of course, they'd only watched three hours of television over the entire weekend. One hour was "Housewives", one hour was the news, and "Shaman King" and part of TRL took up the other two time slots. Another new obsession of the Rinker boys was My Chemical Romance.

"Oh yeah, Eva Longoria!" Naruto smiled widely. "She's really hot…"

Naruto's jealousy of the gardener seeped through for a few seconds before a shadow descended upon the table.

Dosu narrowed his eyes. "Look, I'm not joining anyone's -!" Dosu looked up. "Hyuuga Neji!"

Neji remained expressionless, his way of saying hello. "What are you talking about?"

"Desperate Housewives," Kankuro answered. Neji's eyes grew slightly wider.

"I haven't seen it yet," Neji confessed before yet another shadow grew over them. This shadow didn't belong to a ninja, however.

It belonged to an out-and-out hood. He had spiky brown hair, small rounded glasses, beady aqua eyes, a lanky frame, and a nasty scowl. His Slipknot jacket hung very loosely on his arms, covering a just as loose tan shirt. His jeans sagged to the level of his knees, revealing to the other four that his boxers were blue and green plaid. His shoes were typical plastic-coated "baller" shoes, these models red and blue. Kankuro didn't like his grin, and Neji seemed to hate it even more.

"What do you want, Penn, you dick?" Neji asked in a very icy voice – a voice usually reserved for when he tormented Hinata. Naruto had only heard that voice once before.

Penn grinned, revealing a row of black-rimmed braces. Shikamaru frowned.

"You seem to be like a really tough guy," Penn started.

_Here it comes, _Dosu thought before he remembered what Neji had just said. Why did Neji call Penn a dick? There must have been some reason for it.

Penn leaned in to punch Neji, but Neji was no ordinary fighter. He could cut off someone's chakra with a mere flick of his finger. Neji blocked Penn's ill-perceived punch with little effort. Penn froze as his nearly nonexistent chakra stream shorted out. His arm began to hurt slightly, and he bit his lip angrily.

"You don't want me angry, Neji," Penn warned. Dosu sighed.

"No one wants you angry?" Dosu scoffed. He remembered Penn Samson now. He was in Dosu's B period science class. He was impulsive, rude, and very stupid. Nevertheless, Dosu didn't doubt that Penn was the strongest, most obstinate person at Longoria Casablanca.

_Or he was, _Dosu thought, _before Naruto came around._

Naruto was already seething. Dosu was right in his guess that Penn was no longer King of the Idiots.

Penn glared at Neji, a stare that managed to shake Dosu out of his King of the Idiots tirade. He whistled, a long, low note followed by a small trill.

Within seconds, five delinquents with the same manner of dress as Penn appeared out of nowhere. It was now five to six, assuming that Shikamaru would actually do something to help out.

"You asked for it, you mother!" Penn screeched, aiming another wild punch at Neji. Neji sidestepped it, protecting his right to battery as a student. He wouldn't strike Penn, or any of his cohorts.

Naruto, Kankuro, Dosu, and Shikamaru had the same idea. They sidestepped everything thrown at them. The only hit that ever connected was when one of Penn's lackeys smacked the table that Shikamaru was sitting against.

Penn was getting more agitated by the second, and he eventually targeted who he assumed was weakest in the bunch – Naruto. Penn took aim, and was about to unleash a punch when a flying ball of pink came between the two.

The girl was so familiar it scared Naruto. He knew her so well, and had no idea that she was even here.

"Tenten?" Naruto said incredulously. The Chinese girl winked at Naruto.

"Don't worry," the girl whispered. "I can handle this."

Tenten cleared her throat. "Penn, this is just a misunderstanding. My friend Neji here is just a bit cold. Displacement anxiety, I think…"

Penn's facial expression changed almost immediately. His eyes became a bit wider, and his cocky, devilish smirk disappeared rapidly. He immediately started twiddling his thumbs.

"Tenten…" Penn began to peter out before sighing. "All right… but you!"

Penn pointed at Naruto. "We'll get you! You're the worst of them all!"

"Huh?" Naruto said intelligently.

"You're like me when I was your age! And I'm not going to let anyone out seat me! The Scalpels will get you – mark my words!"

With that, Penn was gone, moaning about how he should have taken an aspirin before he came to school.

Naruto turned back to Tenten. "Tenten… how -?"

"I think he likes me," Tenten smiled. "He's in my A period class – History." Tenten's smile turned sour in the blink of an eye. "I hate him."

Kankuro blinked before looking up at the giant lettering on the school building, proclaiming the school's name, Longoria Casablanca. The White House of Longoria.

Did Eva's character have a white house?

**KONOHAGAKURE, 9:51 PM, SATURDAY EVENING**

"ASUMA!"

Anko slammed into the teacher's room to find him taking a smoke. As always, she supposed.

Mitarashi Anko was not in a good mood. One of Asuma's perps had tried to use a ninja art. While it was to save the life of one of her fellow ninja, it was still "against the rules".

"Yes, Anko-san?" Asuma asked, smoke wafting over his head.

"Yamanaka Ino tried to use the Art of the Valentine tonight… even though it was blocked, that's still not allowed," Anko explained.

Asuma sat up more. "What were the circumstances?"

Anko explained them, and Asuma just laughed.

"I bet Kiba one-upped her, then," Asuma smirked.

"Yes," Anko agreed. "He did one-up her."

Asuma and Anko laughed. Kiba must have really liked Ino, they reasoned.

End Episode Two 

A/N: Ah yes, school. Most of the characters you see here were a) in Naruto (duh) or b) were based on people in my life. That's why they're so easy to write.

Since Shanice Miharu asked, I will give her the pairings so far:

Sakura/Sasuke, one sided

Rock Lee/Sakura, one sided

Koku Reeves/Rock Lee, one sided

(possibly) Asher Curtis/Sasuke, one sided (Again, we aren't quite sure)

Sasuke, one sided

Kiba/Ino, one sided

Penn Samson/Tenten, definitely one sided

James Morrow/Sammie Morrow, married

"Bimbos"/Sasuke, really one sided

That's it for now, and I know there will be more, so stay tuned! Thank you all for your reviews, and I have to say that it's shocking how many reviews I got (seriously, I don't think I've ever gotten this many reviews for a single chapter ever). I love you all, and I'd like to thank Lil Riter for giving me a hilarious Shikamaru chapter that I will post in here sometime soon… I swear!

A/N 2: Next few episodes are character driven. So now you can relax and watch what would be written off as filler in the anime. (Why are character development episodes always written off as filler!)

A/N 3: Yes, Jerard Hyman is a take off of Gerard from MCR. Shut up.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto, Desperate Housewives, or anything else mentioned except for a television box and the OC characters.

Preview of Episode Three 

The Kansas people – Choji, Ino, Zaku, Kiba, Kin, and Temari – are still no nearer to their goal, and are searching desperately for their home. By backtracking and going to the west, they've lost a day and a half by walking. And while Kiba pines over Ino, Choji remembers how Naruto fearlessly stood up for Hinata during the Chunin Exams and a lot of different things… and wonders if America really is the land of dreams, just like Konoha supposedly is.

After Choji's long experience, Sasuke comes home to the gothic rocker that is his new "father", Jerard Hyman, and his little brother Liam. While Liam is convinced that Sasuke wants nothing more than to finish his homework, Jerard is determined to teach him how to play the drums. Why? Well, why are there Britney Spears posters in the bathroom? And why is Jerard's favorite TV show "Winx Club"? Something tells Sasuke that he shouldn't try to figure out the sixteen-year-old 7 Licks front man…

And, in New York City, Penn tries to hit on Tenten! That in itself is strange, seeing as Naruto is standing right behind him, and the two are in a personal war to see who can out-dunce the other. Also present is Dosu, who realizes how he feels for someone very far away… and there is one who really wants to see these ninja dead in Konoha, one of the respected Jonin… who could it be?

Coming up next: The Land of Dreams? Harsh Realities of the Closed Off Aspirations!

Choji: I actually have a big role in this one…! WOW! HEAR THAT, GUYS!

Naruto: Yeah, yeah… glad I get to do what I do best!

Shikamaru: (watching new Paris Hilton commercial) This is sick.

Jerard: Oh sweet Jesus! Glory be praised, I finally show up! No more living in Satine's mind!


	3. Episode Three? Yeah, Three!

Coming to America! Episode Three: 

**The Land of Dreams? Harsh Realities of the Closed Off Aspirations!**

**RURAL KANSAS: 10:06 AM, SUNDAY MORNING**

Backtracking and walking, walking and backtracking, stopping and resting, resting and stopping, starting and backtracking and walking and stopping and resting…

"How many more miles, Kin?" Ino asked, in a desperate attempt to calm her mind. All her mind was doing was backtracking and walking and stopping…

Kin scowled. "Three more miles. The sound bounced off of something very large, I have to say. I'm guessing it's our new home."

Ino smiled. She was glad that her mind would be allowed to stop backtracking soon. Of course, this was Ino assuming, but when Ino assumes, she generally tends to think she's right.

Kiba had stuck Akamaru into his jacket and was petting him gently. Akamaru barked happily, wagging its puny tail against Kiba's hardened chest. Seeing as Kiba did not advertise it, the author feels obliged to tell you all that Kiba has a six-pack. There you go, we can move on now.

As Kiba petted Akamaru, he wished he could gently stroke Ino the way he was doing to his dog. Then he realized how nasty that sounded, and instead focused on uttering a freaking sentence to her.

Zaku was testing the air again, something that was one of his new favorite pastimes. He'd blast a very small stream of air at the wind, and perhaps catch a leaf in its updraft. It was entertaining to watch, and it MUST have been entertaining to do as well. Otherwise, Zaku would have moved on long ago.

Kin was forging a path up ahead as she spoke to Ino. Temari was not very far behind, still thinking about how she was possessed.

_How did Kiba know? _Temari wondered half-heartedly. _How did he know how to get rid of the ghost?"_

Curiosity got the better of Temari. "Kiba-san?"

Kiba blinked. "Yes, Temari-san?"

"How did you know how to… how to get rid of the ghost?" Temari asked, her face turning slightly pink.

"Oh!" Kiba responded, dropping his daypack onto the ground and rooting through it until he found what could only be called a Shonen Jump Graphic Novel – written in English.

"This taught me!" Kiba smiled.

Ino's jaw dropped. "Shaman King?"

"Yeah!" Kiba beamed. "It has some useful information in it, you know! I went through a lot of trouble to get this, but Shikamaru gave in… I knew he would…"

Temari smirked in spite of herself before shaking the emotion off. Emotions were for the feeble-minded. The only feelings needed from a Sand Ninja were revenge and pain. There was no such thing as remorse, nor was there such things as hope, lust, pleasure, harmony, or anger… and there was especially nothing called love. Never would there be something like love for a Sand Ninja.

Temari scolded herself for even imagining such a sentiment. If a ninja falls in love, they are doomed to be defeated, just like Yamanaka Ino and Haruno Sakura in the third round of the first Chunin exam Temari had attended, or like Hyuuga Hinata, who nearly died trying to look good in front of Uzumaki Naruto.

What Temari didn't understand about her rigid philosophy was Rock Lee, the supremely powerful Chunin who, against all odds, survived and even got over Gaara's Sand Tomb Technique to become, once again, one of the best. He was so madly in love with Sakura that he seemed _fueled _by his love.

_There's always an exception to the rule, _Temari thought. _Lovers are simpletons, ninja who will never become jonin, or aspire to anything above that._

Choji, up until this point, had just been silently observing everyone. Kiba's electric eyes that seemed to spark when Ino spoke – a dead giveaway to love. Temari's smile, which immediately was replaced by a hard, detached face – this was love repressed. Ino was probably pining over Sasuke, as always. Kin was hard to read, but when the six of them had first landed here, and Zaku said that all his air holes were good for were cooling people off, Choji saw all the indecision and remorse – and her crush – scrawled all over her face.

_But what about me? _Choji wondered. _I haven't truly loved anyone, and personally, I can wait. I don't understand – love is supposed to be happy, yet all these people I know are caught up in lies and unrequited emotion._

Choji looked up into the sky. This was the American sky, which was amazingly clear, despite the pollution that some people spoke about. The sky's the limit in America, they said to Choji – America is the land of dreams.

_Konoha is supposed to be the land of dreams, too._

Choji thought of the first Chunin exam he sat through. It was painfully depressing, to see so many dreams clank onto the boulevard of broken dreams and promises.

_"I'm working hard… because the one I admire is before me," Hinata told Neji before the attacks began again._

_Hinata, _Choji thought. _How can no one see how she loves Naruto? Such a shy being, one that is unafraid of the world if Naruto deems the world safe. If Naruto told her to go jump off a cliff, I'm willing to bet she would. Her family found her to be weaker than desired… did she pour her devotion into her love of Naruto? Or is she a lot stronger than I think? _

_Her dream almost died that day…_

_But Naruto, dipping his fingers in her blood, took up her cause… maybe, just maybe, they finally ended up together through that very gesture. _

_But is that a dream deferred? Or a dream shattered?_

Choji was following the others vaguely, aware of his surroundings but at the same time unaware of them. The dream business completely enthralled him.

Despite his appearance, Choji was an extremely philosophical person. Only Shikamaru knew the true depth of Choji, and then, Shikamaru himself was the deepest Chunin of them all.

_Then there's Rock Lee, _Choji remembered.

_"I came because you needed me… just as I always will," Lee told Sakura as he jumped in front of her, to protect her from the Sound Ninja. "Remember what I told you…? When we first met?"_

_He says his dream is to prove that, even if you can't use Genjutsu or Ninjutsu, you can still be a great ninja. But if that's the case, _Choji thought, _why does he protect the ones he loves so vehemently?_

_Like Sakura. Sakura will never love him back, and it's so painfully obvious that he can't give up… is his real dream to have Sakura love him…?_

_But in the Chunin Exams, he nearly died… protecting both of those dreams, in a way._

_Sure, he advertised that he couldn't use two of the tree Ninja Arts, but what if he went through with going after Gaara so that Sakura… maybe he did it so Sakura would see that he wasn't going to give up, no matter how bad the situation is._

_He didn't forfeit to Gaara to tell Sakura that he wouldn't forfeit on her, either… ever…_

_So… everyone has a dream… _

Choji thought for a few seconds.

_"If you were to fight me for the title of Hokage," Naruto yelled, "you'd be the underdog!"_

_"I came because you needed me… just as I always will," Rock Lee smiled._

_"…Because the one I admire is before me," Hinata explained._

_"I have reached your level, Ino," Sakura barked._

_"Sakura… I'm not gonna let you outdo me!" Ino screamed._

_"And there is someone I have vowed… to kill," Sasuke said, emotionless and cold._

_There are so many other dreams, _Choji thought. _So many dreams…_

_Maybe we're here in America to make those dreams come true…_

"Choji! Watch OUT!"

Choji smacked into a tree. Ino, the person who had yelled at him, helped him up off the ground.

"You were so lost in thought that you didn't even see the tree," Zaku explained. "Do you need some air?"

"No… I'm fine," Choji smiled. "Let's keep going."

Kin nodded. "Good to see you up and at em."

As they continued to walk, Choji let his mind wander one more time.

_America… the land of dreams… _

_We are all going to make our dreams come true – one way or another._

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 2:56 PM, MONDAY AFTERNOON 

As all teenagers know, the mall is a very cool place to go after school. Because Kankuro, Dosu, and Naruto had garnered permission to go around the city and explore a bit from Samuel, they went to the mall.

And the local mall was huge. There were three floors: the first floor had a food court and some varying stores, the second floor hosted more shops, and the third floor held a concierge and the biggest store in the whole mall: a Hot Topic.

Kankuro, Naruto, and Dosu looked up at the giant Hot Topic.

"Wow," Naruto murmured.

"What he said," Kankuro agreed.

Dosu began to stride towards the escalator that led to the third floor. Kankuro and Naruto began to stride after him when they heard a familiar voice.

"Oh, Tenten, please!"

"Leave me alone!"

Tenten stomped past the three "brothers", unaware of their presence. Naruto took a chance and yelled out Tenten's name.

"Tenten!" Naruto yelled. Dosu saw Tenten's head turn towards the three. Immediately, Tenten dashed towards the other ninja and stood beside them. The mystery assailant was nowhere to be seen until he wearily walked out of the shadows of the store to the right of the ninja (it was a Journeys, nestled beside a bathroom).

Kankuro glared at the guy. "Penn."

Penn looked up to see the four ninja. If Penn a) was intelligent and b) knew that the four were really ninja that could kill him if given enough reason and kunai knives, he wouldn't have messed with them.

"What are you dicks doing here?" Penn practically yelled.

"I came to find some new shoes," Kankuro lied quickly.

"I needed a fishing pole," Dosu frowned, seeing a Sports Chalet out of the corner of his eye.

"I ran out of hair gel," Naruto nodded. Who cared about the fact that his hair was naturally spiky?

Penn still glowered at the three. "What are you doing with my chick?"

Tenten gagged. "_Your_ chick? I beg to differ!"

Now it was the other three ninjas' turn to be shocked. "Differ?"

"Duh!" Tenten sighed. "I had a boyfriend from where I came from, you know."

Kankuro stood silently, trying to figure out if Tenten's statement was a hint or a lie. Dosu was doing the same thing. Naruto was the only one who understood completely.

"Oh yeah! Neji-san and you, right?" Naruto smiled.

Kankuro, Penn, and Dosu were silent.

"Neji…?" Dosu murmured. Kankuro said nothing, for he didn't know Neji. (How this is possible, God only knows.)

Penn was furious. "Neji! That bastard? WHY?"

Neji was walking out of the bathroom as Penn yelled this statement. And you can bet Neji was furious.

Neji was master of the Gentle Hand fighting style. It was hard not to feel just a shred of compunction for Penn.

-

"That's the last time we split up, Ten-chan," Neji frowned. Naruto looked at the half-beaten Penn.

Kankuro saw the frenzied expression on Naruto's face. "Look, I know that you two are trying to out-stupid each other, but this was Neji's fight. I mean, Penn tried to steal his girlfriend."

"I know," Naruto whined. "But I wanted to beat him up first!"

Dosu smirked. He knew how jealous Neji was. Of course, Dosu was very much in love with someone very far away… someone named Hyuuga Hinata.

Such a cute little girl, with so much power behind her angelic face.

Dosu shook his head and watched Naruto kick Penn's fainted body.

"What a lump," Naruto muttered.

"Yeah."

Kankuro began to join in Naruto's merriment.

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 3:12 PM, MONDAY AFTERNOON**

Sasuke dropped his backpack onto a chair sitting right by the front door of his house and stared at the black and red walls surrounding him.

"Jerard? Are you home?" Sasuke asked tentatively.

A brown-haired teen opened the door behind Sasuke. Sasuke smiled at him.

"Hey Liam," Sasuke said. "What's up?"

Liam sighed. "My brother disappeared."

"Who's disappeared?"

Jerard was standing on the ceiling. Liam screamed, and Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

_Chakra control…?_

Jerard smirked. "Ha! I knew I'd get you, Liam, bro."

Jerard looked like a typical disaffected head of an emo band, with wispy black hair that reached his shoulders (while hanging upside down, you couldn't quite tell how long his hair was) and had three piercings in his right ear alone. In his left ear, he had one hole for an earring, in case he ever decided to be normal. That had only happened once. His eyes were rimmed black, not as rimmed as Gaara's, but fairly large rims. Jerard's eyes were a fair blue, which, Sasuke had to admit, was very pretty.

Liam frowned. "Where were you, bro?"

Sasuke scowled. _I don't like this 'bro' term. It scares me._

"Putting up some posters in the bathroom," Jerard smiled.

Sasuke had learned three things so far from Liam about Jerard. One was that Jerard doesn't like other people eating "his" Cocoa Puffs. The second thing was that, on Saturday – Family Movie Night – Jerard doesn't like watching what Liam called "chick flicks", i.e. romantic comedies. Not that Sasuke cared – he thought that romantic comedies didn't have enough male romances in them anyway. The last thing was the most important – _Jerard's logic defies all other logic around him. _Why did Jerard enjoy watching Winx Club if all he did was bitch about how badly it was screwed over by 4Kids? Who knows, Liam had said. Why did Jerard want to teach Sasuke how to play drums? That was one of the funniest things Sasuke would remember about Jerard…

_Sasuke sat in front of a drum set. Jerard stood in front of the drums, waiting for Sasuke to do something. He did nothing at all._

_After a few moments of awkward silence, Jerard spoke. "Okay, Sasuke, now bang the drum."_

_All the color drained out of Sasuke's face. "Bang the drum…?"_

_Jerard wasn't getting it. "You know, with the stick."_

"_Stick…!" Sasuke repeated incredulously._

_Jerard stared into Sasuke's pallid face for a few seconds before seeing why he was so scared._

"_Oh… my… freaking… God. I meant to take the drumsticks and hit the drum!"_

"Posters…? In a bathroom?" Sasuke asked. Then he remembered that Jerard was on the ceiling somehow.

"Um, Jerard?" Liam began to inquire. "Why are you on the ceiling?"

_Sakura was good at chakra control. _

_Knowing her…_

_Maybe she kidnapped Jerard and took his place just so she could sleep in the same house as me._

…_Ecchi._

Jerard smiled before doing a back flip onto the floor. His shoes stuck to the ceiling. Both Liam and Sasuke looked up at the ceiling.

"Don't tell me you glued your shoes to the wall," Liam sighed. "Remember what happened when you glued the Napoleon Dynamite pillowcase to the bed?"

"Ah, bro, I remember that!" Jerard said, messing with his brother's long brown hair. "Those are suction cup shoes."

Sasuke's jaw dropped. _Suction cup? What the HELL is a suction cup? Some sort of push-up bra or something? _

Jerard reached up to the ceiling and grabbed the shoe. A sickly popping noise followed, and Jerard showed Liam and Sasuke the small plastic cups on the bottom of the shoes.

_That's a suction cup?_

Jerard smirked before dashing off into the bathroom. "Liam, Sasuke, bro! I need you guys to help me hang up this Britney Spears poster!"  
Liam sighed before turning to Sasuke. "We better help him. He might get it into his head to drop a TV on your foot if you don't."

Sasuke sighed. To borrow Shikamaru's catchphrase, "How troublesome."

**KONOHAGAKURE: 2:26 PM, SUNDAY AFTERNOON**

"This can't go through."

The genin-level ninja standing before the older ninja nodded. It couldn't happen.

"Sending them to America… that is not good for my plan, not at all."

"What's your plan this time, Master?"

"The same as it was before… to get Sasuke."

The genin frowned. "But I must say that we failed to get him last time, Master. What makes you so sure that HE is our best bet? Shouldn't we go for that other boy that you wanted?"

The Master punched the genin.

"You FOOL! This isn't about power anymore – this is about REVENGE! I cannot extract REVENGE with that Hyuuga boy! I need Sasuke…"

Itachi glared at Orochimaru's old servant, Kabuto.

"…Because he is the last of my clan. Once I kill him, I will be the only one with my bloodline… the Sharingan…"

Kabuto scowled again, garnering Itachi's attention.

"Now what, you sniveling spy?" Itachi demanded.

"If I may interject something into your rant," Kabuto began, "Sasuke isn't the only one with the Sharingan in Konoha."

"What?" Itachi asked intelligently.

Kabuto pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Didn't you know? Hatake Kakashi has the Sharingan Eye as well."

**End Episode Three**

A/N: This chapter was off the point, I know, but I really wanted to write about Choji's thoughts. No one seems to write about Choji, for I've never seen him as the singular focus of a serious story… of course, this is most certainly NOT the most serious story…

But now we have an enemy in the mix. Why the HELL did I put Kabuto and Itachi in here? Because, even though Kabuto is a smarm, I ALWAYS end up with either him or Rock Lee in the "Which Naruto character is your ideal date" quizzes and thought obliged to put him in here. And Itachi is here because… he's Itachi.

PAIRING UPDATE NOTE: (Yes this is my new title for this.) There were a few new pairings this chapter, so here they are:

Kin/Zaku, one-sided (I'm sorry, this couple looks SO good.)

Ino/Sasuke, one-sided

Temari/Kiba, one-sided (well, if Kiba had saved me from a hitchhiking ghost, I'd be in love with him too)

Neji/Tenten (Okay. I was planning on doing this from the start… thanks to all of you who requested this pair.)

Dosu/Hinata, one-sided

A/N 2: If you are a 4Kids supporter, sorry about the "screwed over" line. NOT! (bii-da's at Al Kahn)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto, Sports Chalet, Hot Topic (I wish), or any other aforementioned product. I do, however, own Jerard – sort of – and other characters in aforementioned chapters. If you want to use my characters, review for permission – I'll review you back with the answer.

**Preview of Episode Four**

Naruto is pissed. And I mean PISSED. Penn isn't about to let Naruto beat him in the contest, and he's even more determined to win Tenten, now that Neji has decided to join this "contest". No, I don't mean like the Contest in Seinfeld. I mean that Naruto, instead of out-stupid-ing Penn, is going to try and get better grades than him! Naruto doing schoolwork! This is must-see TV!

Meanwhile, in California, Asher Curtis, after seeing Sakura get rejected by Sasuke, decides to find out whom Sasuke **does** like. His first impulse is to ask Sakura – but she's slightly busy. Why? Koku and Sakura are now officially rivals! And because everyone in school is busy following the developments in this rivalry, Shino can actually walk the corridors… BUT WHY IS LIN STILL FOLLOWING GAARA?

And we can't forget the Kansas people, who are now stopped by something else on their way to their house… Kabuto! But because the Kansas ninja don't have Sasuke among their ranks, Kabuto has… (gulp) failed Itachi. And what happens when you fail Itachi…? Oh… maybe you should find out on your own…

Next time! A New Contest – A New Sitcom? Naruto and Neji Join Forces!

Naruto: I'm in the title! BOO-YA!

Neji: This is the start of a beautiful friendship, Naruto-san…

Rock Lee: My name wasn't mentioned once… OH WELL! I HAVE A NEW GOAL, GAI-SENSEI!

Asuma: (smokes) Ah, this is nice…

Sakura: Why are you here, Asuma-sensei?

Shikamaru: Can we end the preview now?


	4. Oh boy! Episode Four of this!

**Coming to America! Episode Four**

**A New Contest – A New Sitcom? Naruto and Neji Join Forces!**

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 8:31 AM, TUESDAY MORNING**

"Did you hear?"

"Hear what?"

"There are two rival girls in the Geometry class!"

Asher looked up into Lin's eyes, sighing.

"Of course I know about the two rival girls. One of them is one of my closer friends," Asher frowned. "And your best friend."

Asher never spoke of his closest friend. Of course, no one knew who his closest friend was anyway, except for one person. And he delighted in not talking.

Lin bit her lip. "Koku-chan's gone and gotten herself another enemy? How many are there?"

"Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your lovers in your bed," Asher shrugged. Lin glared at Asher.

"Asher-kun, are you implying that you keep Koku-chan inside your bedroom?" Lin asked in a strangely calm voice. Asher turned pink.

"Of course not," Asher snapped. "She's just a friend."

Lin giggled. Asher was so cool. He had hands like a pianist's. She loved those hands.

Suddenly, a redhead tromped down the hallway. It was Gaara, in his usual pissy mood. Only this time, he was mad because he couldn't find a place to go to the bathroom. Why was school so hard to navigate?

Lin blinked, and then her eyes widened.

"Is that another transfer student?" Asher asked no one in particular.

"Yeah," Lin replied in a dazed tone.

"He looks… Arabian, perhaps." Asher smirked. "There are many seductive women in Arabia. He probably gets around…"

Asher waited for Lin to smack him, but nothing bruised the skin of his cheek. Asher turned to his left. The tiny Chinese girl had gone, mysteriously vanishing into thin air.

Asher turned to his right. Lin was hiding behind a water fountain, waiting for Gaara to pass. After he rounded a corner, she darted out from behind the water fountain to spy on Gaara. She then turned the said corner and walked behind Gaara.

Asher raised an eyebrow.

"What's her problem?"

He thought that Lin had liked normal people… or Koku.

Speaking of Koku, where the devil was that girl? It was almost passing period, yet the girl hadn't once thrown a jab at him. The rotating schedule, however, made sure that Koku couldn't – the first class today was Science for him and PE for her. Geometry would be last today.

A scream seemed to answer Asher's question. He turned his head to the left, but the scream didn't belong to Koku, after all. It belonged to a crowd of bimbos running after Sasuke Hyman, the transfer student that interested Asher so much.

"SASUKE!"

"I LOVE YOU!"

Sasuke jumped to the side, behind the water fountain that Lin had seconds before occupied, in a split second. The girls seemed none the wiser and continued to run down the hallway.

Sasuke turned to the only remaining male in the corridor. Asher looked back at Sasuke. Asher then noticed that Sasuke looked a bit like Gerard Butler in The Phantom of the Opera musical movie – before he got all ugly, anyway. Maybe he was a good singer.

Sasuke put his finger to his lips, the universal sign for 'don't make a sound or I'll kill you'. Asher obeyed until the sound of giddy girls was replaced by a frantic scream.

"You wench!"

Asher knew that the voice could only belong to Koku Reeves. Unfortunately, he had only heard that tremor in her voice once before, when a younger version of her had told a younger Asher that she loved him. And that tremor usually was a harbinger of doom for some untoward male.

Asher ran down the hallway to find Koku yelling at the pink-haired girl in their Geometry class.

"What the hell are you doing, Koku?" Asher yelled over the huge din that the two girls were making. He was ignored.

The pink haired girl frowned. "You think that you can get him? Ridiculous!"

"What do you want with him?" Koku yelled. "You don't even like him!"

The pink haired girl (Asher suddenly remembered her name was Sakura) gasped. "Don't like him? Are you crazy?"

Koku stuck out her tongue. "I hate you!"

"Same here! One day we'll be able to compete for him!"

"You're on!"

The two turned and walked in opposite directions. Sasuke had meandered along behind Asher, vaguely interested in watching what he would do to such a lovesick pig.

"Koku, what are you thinking?" Asher asked in a crazed voice. "She's Jackie's adopted sister!"

"I'm not afraid of the Bling Blings," Koku replied with a snort. "What would she want with nii-san, though?"

Asher stood silently, and then snorted. The snort turned into a full-fledged laugh.

"What?" Koku asked loudly.

"You like Rock Lee…?" Asher burst out laughing. "That's so funny… HAH! Oh my God!"

As Koku so lovingly punched Asher in the face, Sasuke blinked. Sakura would only fight with another girl over him…

_What a misunderstanding._

_And I don't even like her. Or any her, for that matter._

_Oh dear. If Sakura is rivals with this strange strawberry blonde…_

_Sakura thinks that she likes me._

_…Gag._

"Stop hitting me!" Asher pleaded.

"I won't stop hitting you unless you apologize!"

"What is there to apologize for? Rock Lee is a drip!"

Koku screamed and smacked Asher some more.

"All right -! I'm sorry! Abject siren…!"

Sasuke frowned and walked away. Asher noticed him walk away for a few seconds before Koku actually absconded from her slapping war.

"Did you hear?" Koku finally asked.

"You're in love with your adopted brother?"

"Not that," Koku clarified. "Monty Python's Spamalot is being performed in New York by a middle school."

Sasuke's mind froze.

_A middle school in New York…?_

**KONOHAGAKURE: 9:21 AM, MONDAY MORNING**

"Guess what?"

"What now?"

"I'm ready to get Sasuke for you."

"Are you sure that HE is in Kansas?" Itachi skeptically asked his ingénue, Kabuto. Kabuto looked at Itachi from over his full moon glasses.

"Of course I'm sure, Master Itachi," Kabuto smirked. "I happen to know that he is pining over a girl… a strong-willed, beautiful teen named Yamanaka Ino… The Hokage would most certainly pair together two people going out, like he did with Tenten and Hyuuga Neji."

There are two invalid statements in this monologue. We know that Sasuke wouldn't have cared about the production of Monty Python's Spamalot in New York if someone he liked – or loved – was there, so already Kabuto had made an error. His other error was that… well… Sasuke likes a male.

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Are you completely sure that he likes a girl? Our family has a history of being… um… how shall I say this… of questionable sexual orientation."

Kabuto inhaled. "You aren't of… how shall I say this… questionable sexual orientation, are you?"

"If I want to kill my clan, do you think I have any orientation?" Itachi asked in a stupefied tone.

"Right-o," Kabuto responded. "Anyway, I am quite sure of this. I saw her hugging him the first day of my seventh exam, which I acted as spy for Orochimaru."

"Good guy," Itachi remembered. "Is he doing all right?"

"Last I checked, his old target Sasuke is in America, and he's furious."

Itachi fell backward before regaining his composure.

"Kabuto, you better get him now," Itachi warned. "If we made a mistake, then the Hokage will be after us."

Kabuto sighed. "I've done this seven billion times. I can handle it."

Kabuto made about fifteen intricate hand symbols in two seconds, before settling on the sign of the Tiger. In one instant he had disappeared into the barrier separating the three realms – ninja world, the planet Earth, and the realm of the no longer living (which no one living could go to).

Itachi couldn't travel between realms. He had to hand it to Kabuto – he was definitely a protégé of much talent.

**KONOHAGAKURE: 9:23 AM, MONDAY MORNING**

"Why is Kabuto headed to Kansas, do you think?" Asuma asked Kakashi. Both of them were being incredibly lazy. Asuma was taking a smoke, and Kakashi was reading Make-Out Paradise, apparently oblivious to the disaster that could befall the teenagers in Kansas.

Asuma took a long drag on his cigarette. "Maybe we forgot about him."

Kakashi blushed at his book. "Maybe we did."

How ignorant can two people get? Well… if you want to know how ignorant a few other people are, keep reading.

**RURAL KANSAS: 9:59 AM, MONDAY MORNING**

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"Choji-san's hungry."

Ino scoffed. "You interrupted my diary entry for THAT, Kiba-san?"

Kiba turned red, trying to steal a glance of whose names could have been written down in that book. Ino, however, held the book to her chest, hiding its contents from Kiba's view.

Kiba scratched his head. Ino stuck her tongue out at Kiba.

"I know what you want to see," Ino smirked devilishly. "But you aren't ever going -!"

Ino's voice caught short. Something held a kunai knife to Ino's neck. She froze, dropping the book pages-first onto emerald grass. Kiba looked up into the soulless eyes of Kabuto, who was holding the kunai to Ino. Immediately Kiba began to feel angered at this sadistic display of force.

"Uchiha Sasuke!" Kabuto yelled. "If you don't come forward, I will kill your beloved!"

"You can't kill his headband," Ino gasped from underneath the knife. "It's an inanimate object, baka."

Kabuto's plea had attracted the attention of Temari, Kin, Zaku, and Choji. Choji looked at Ino and Kabuto, reasoned that they were in no form of danger, and continued to skim the ground with his eyes. He saw Ino's diary and casually picked it up.

"Oh score!" Choji called. "Ino-san's diary!"

Out of male habit, Zaku and Kiba looked over Choji's shoulder as they read – at least, before Kin kicked Choji in the head to get him back at attention.

The diary, once again, fell to the ground.

Kabuto grit his teeth angrily, glaring at Ino as Madame Thernardier glared at the young Cosette. "Listen, you bitchy prima donna, I know that you and Sasuke are lovers. Hand him over and you will not be harmed, understand?"

Zaku cocked his head. "Um, actually… Sasuke-san isn't here."

"And Ino-san is most certainly NOT Sasuke-kun's girlfriend," Temari scowled.

_He has common sense, _Temari thought. _No one can utilize their full power if they are in love._

_I am not in love. I do not like Kiba. I don't. I really don't. This feeling is nausea… yes; I just have a spatial bout of nausea. It will pass._

Kabuto blinked. "He's not?"

"Of course not!" Choji laughed. Kiba tried his best to keep up with this diatribe, but his tiny brain couldn't process it.

If only Naruto was here to actually voice his confusion.

Ino pouted. "Sasuke-kun will come to me eventually, Kabuto-sempai… but until then, please withdraw your kunai knife. Sasuke-kun is not here in Kansas…"

The knife withdrew. Ino fell to the ground, saturating her lungs with air. No blood soiled her figure, but her pants had most certainly been soiled. She needed to change clothing.

"Where is the Uchiha then?" Kabuto asked frantically.

Kin narrowed her eyes. "We no longer answer to Orochimaru, Kabuto-sama. We won't tell."

"And we have no idea," Choji admitted.

Kabuto looked ready to stab Kin, but instead, he performed the realm-tripping art and disappeared.

As soon as Kabuto disappeared, Kiba fell down to Ino's level, where she was still gasping for air that Kabuto had cut away from her so forcibly. No blood was anywhere, thank God for that.

"Are you okay?" Kiba asked in a tender voice that (even if it wasn't realized by her brain) made Temari jealous. Ino opened her eyes tentatively.

"That's been the second time one of us has been held to knifepoint," Kin noted. "But that shouldn't happen any longer."

"Why?" Ino asked. "Kabuto-sempai could be back any minute, with instructions from his new master."

Kin looked to the horizon, and the others looked in the same direction. A farm jutted up from the formerly flat hillside, and dashing towards them was a teenage girl wearing a taffeta checked dress with hiking boots.

**NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 10:32 AM, TUESDAY MORNING**

"Spam… a… lot?" Naruto repeated.

Shikamaru nodded. "The school has three drama productions a year. This is the second one, and the third one is performed during a summer camp of the members of the first and second productions."

Naruto and Shikamaru knew that it wasn't a great idea to be talking in class, but they were in History. As it turns out, their history teacher was also the director of the drama production, and a HUGE fan of Monty Python. If someone spoke of the play, he'd be delighted.

Naruto continued to write down some of the causes of the French Revolution on his worksheet as he talked to Shikamaru, who sat next to him.

"Are you going to audition, Shikamaru?" Naruto asked.

Shikamaru stared at his finished worksheet for about two seconds before he began to shake. Shikamaru turned to Naruto, his face bright and happy.

"Of course! I've always wanted to be on stage!" Shikamaru cried. Naruto sighed. He was good at acting and putting up fronts, but that was in a battle, in front of Sakura, his beloved. How could he do it here?  
"You're so lazy back home, Shikamaru," Naruto commented. "What could possibly motivate you to get your ass away from the television box?"

Shikamaru snickered. "Oh, Naruto, how innocent you are."

Naruto raised his eyebrows. "Innocent?"

"All I need to motivate me is the right incentive."

"Incentive…?"

"And luckily for me, it's standing right before me."

"Huh…?"

Shikamaru looked at Naruto. He was utterly clueless, shocked, and confused, as anyone would be if they realized that one of their closer friends was bisexual. Shikamaru understood this.

"Feel free to reject me, if you must," Shikamaru noted. "Such is the life of someone like me."

Naruto stood still. "Um… Shikamaru… what the hell are you talking about?"

Shikamaru banged his head against his desk.

_How hard is it to get through to one person? Oh boy… first that brilliant shell of a baka Ino tells me rather bluntly that if I can't get Sakura, why don't I get a man? Little did she know how stinging that remark actually was… for I have liked Naruto for quite some time. And I've liked Sasuke, too. And also Hyuuga Hinata… And, on a certain level, Gaara of the Sand. And Stewie Griffin. _

_Oh geez, there is something very wrong with me…_

As Shikamaru lifted his head up from the desk, he saw the shadow of the spiky-haired dunce known as Penn. Shikamaru sighed. He was tired of this never-ending parade of freaks that so populated his mind.

_Go AWAY, Stewie Griffin! GO AWAY, DEMENTED BABY!_

"Hello, dick-heads," Penn smirked. "How low was your score, Naruto?"  
Naruto cocked his head in mock confusion. "Score?"

"On your history test, dumbass."

Naruto looked at his test. By some miracle of nature, and some studying tips from Neji, he had gotten a 69.

"A sixty-nine, Penn," Naruto spat. "I bet even you aren't that smart."

Naruto now saw this grade as a new way to humiliate Penn. If the new King of the Idiots could get a higher score than this supposed hood, Penn truly was undeserving of any attention or gang.

Penn looked at the test before a sinister grin cracked along his face.

Shikamaru knew that sinister grin from Orochimaru's many uses of it. He knew that it wasn't a good sign. Either Penn had secretly planted a letter bomb on Naruto programmed to go off when he read his score, or Penn had scraped up a higher score than a 69.

"I got an 71," Penn smirked before spitting on Naruto's face. "You're so pathetic."

"You only got that score because I saw you cheating off of Mari's paper," a cold voice said testily.

Naruto didn't even need to turn to know that it was Neji.

Neji glared at Penn. "You can either leave quietly, or risk suspension for cheating."

Penn turned red, his eyes darting between Neji, Shikamaru, and Naruto.

"I propose a new contest, instead of your infantile out-dumbing games," Neji drawled icily. "Whoever gets the best quarter grade is determined the winner… and believe me, I will know if you are cheating, Penn."

Penn grit his teeth together. "Fine, Neji. We play your game. I'm winning so far… but Naruto, if you lose, my gang and I can humiliate you in ways you never thought possible."

Naruto smirked. He was the creator of the Sexy no Jutsu. He doubted that there was a humiliation he couldn't handle.

"Same goes double for you, Penn," Naruto sniped. He was ready, that was sure.

Penn stalked off, and Neji took the seat behind Naruto.

"Naruto," Neji sighed, "I know you can handle Penn."

"Thanks," Naruto said.

Neji cleared his throat. "Now… are you two going to try out for Spamalot?"

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 12:01 PM, TUESDAY AFTERNOON**

"Nii-san," Koku smiled, "have you made any friends?"

Rock Lee smiled back during the lunch break. "Actually, I have. Koku, meet Sasuke Hyman."

Sasuke shrugged. "Hey."

Koku nodded. "Hello, Sasuke-kun. Do you know Lee well?"

Sasuke looked at the ceiling. "We knew each other in our home country."

"Oh!" Koku clapped her hands together. "This is great! We must have you over for dinner!"

"But…" Sasuke began to protest, remembering what Jerard had said to him yesterday.

_If a girl asks you out to dinner, it means that she wants to get in your pants. It's simple as that._

Sasuke didn't want anyone in his pants in this lifetime.

"Good!" Lee chimed in. "You can come over to our house at six! We're having breaded chicken!"

"Uh…"

_Jerard, you never told me anything about denying guys' invitations. Of course, you also call me bro every two seconds and have suction cups on your shoes…_

"Sure I'll come," Sasuke accepted.

**KONOHAGAKURE: 12:02 PM, MONDAY AFTERNOON**

"You failed me, Kabuto," Itachi bellowed in his anger.

"I'm sorry, Master Itachi," Kabuto groveled, "and I will do better next time, to be sure."

Itachi glared at Kabuto. "You better do better next time… I can't afford to hire too many ninja. I suspect that you learned about the Uchiha's tendencies, did you not?"

"Yes, Master," Kabuto admitted grudgingly. "So how do we figure out which male ninja is the one that Sasuke likes?"

"Well, we have to trawl through thousands of references and everything else that we can find…"

Kabuto gulped.

"…But first there's the matter of your punishment."

Kabuto gulped again.

Itachi frowned. "Your punishment… is to… make out with that wall over there!"

"WHAT!" Kabuto cried. "That's like a game of Truth or Dare!"

"Don't want to do that?" Itachi bit his lip angrily. "Then you can accidentally-on-purpose walk into the girl's bath in the springs district!"

Kabuto thought about saying something, but didn't. His options were steadily growing more mortifying.

"I can tell you don't like that… then your punishment is to do a stand up routine with me in front of Orochimaru!"

Kabuto gave up at that moment.

**End Episode Four**

A/N: Yes, this chapter was ALL OVER THE PLACE when it came to romances and mistaken identities and screwed-up pairings. (Oh, and to Moo-Moo… I have to make Sasuke gay. I mean, do you think that he's going to up and make out with Sakura? That'd be SO nasty… I think I have a romance planned for Sakura, though, just so you know…)

Next chapter will deal solely with the dinner, Shino and how he's getting along and the Longoria Casablanca production of Monty Python's Spamalot. If you haven't heard any of the music or seen the play, do yourself a favor and buy the CD. The music (especially "The Song that Goes Like This") is hysterical, and I haven't seen the show yet so I want someone to tell me how it is…

And, here is Shikamaru, Cherlye. Enjoy.

A/N 2 (Shameless Plug): To see some shonen-ai romance, check out Thinly Veiled by yours truly. If you want screwball comedy, check out Sasuke Gets Stuck in a Hole, Naruto Gets Humiliated, or Shikamaru's Game of Solitaire by me. My other Naruto fiction is She Will Be Loved, which is one of the best fictions I've ever written and it didn't get a good reception at all…

PAIRING UPDATE: This update _really_ deals with Shikamaru.

Shikamaru/Sakura, one sided (this isn't the planned Sakura romance)

Shikamaru/Naruto, one sided

Shikamaru/Sasuke, one sided

Shikamaru/Gaara, one sided

Shikamaru/Stewie Griffin, obviously one sided (and rather creepy, I notice, as I write this)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto, Stewie Griffin, Spamalot, or any other aforementioned products, besides the original characters and the unpaid advertisement for my fan fictions.

**Preview for Episode Five**

Dinner at Koku's! Sasuke comes over to Lee and Koku's house for dinner, and, for some arcane reason, Jerard decides to tag along with Liam (who was also invited by Rock Lee). When word of the dinner reaches Sakura Waterford at school the next day, her and Jackie, along with their demented Mr.-Crocker-ish friend Orohime Astronominov, begin to plot an end to Koku's nonexistent romance with Sasuke Hyman! Shino decides that he's tired of not being portrayed in the story and comes up with an outlandish way to get himself into Asher's group of rockers… to find that he already knows one of the members of his group!

Meanwhile, in New York, Shikamaru tries out for the role of King Arthur's loyal steed Patsy – only to get the much more prominent and flamboyant role of Sir Lancelot, the homicidally brave Knight of the Round Table. If this was a straight adaptation of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, it would be fine, but this is the stage version, in which Sir Lancelot is revealed to be gay…! Poor Shikamaru, what of his bisexuality? What about Naruto, who has been cast as a French Taunter (because that's all he's good at)? And HOW could Neji – a superb actor – not try out and instead run the curtains?

In Kansas, the taffeta checked girl turns out to be the host's niece, the kindly, puritanical Nancy Loss. Her brother, the friendly and helpful Darien Loss, have been taken in after their parents defected to Mexico for a beer blast and never came back. This leads Kin to wonder exactly how safe her family really is…

Next Time! Lee and Koku's Brief Shining Romantic Moment! Jerard, Sasuke, and Liam's Visit to the Reeves Household!

Lee: MY GOAL IS COMPLETE, GAI-SENSEI!

Sakura: Have we even introduced Orohime?

Jerard: …Breaded chicken!

Mr. Crocker: (spastic actions) FAIRIES!

Naruto: Who are you?

Shikamaru: (looking at script for Spamalot) …There's even a coming out song for me… great…


	5. Episode Five no cancellations here!

**Coming to America! Episode Five**

**Lee and Koku's Brief Shining Romantic Moment! Jerard, Sasuke, and Liam's Visit to the Reeves Household!**

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 5:34 PM, TUESDAY EVENING**

"Come in!"

Koku ushered Sasuke and Liam into the house. Sasuke and Liam were wearing what they always wore. For Sasuke, that was his blue shirt and khaki pants (it was too cold for shorts); and for Liam it was a black shirt and jeans that – gasp – fit around his waist. Lee was wearing a green turtleneck and black pants, and Koku was wearing pinstriped Dickies and a red shirt with two female anime characters in front of a backdrop that read 'Inuyasha'. As Lee directed Sasuke and Liam into the house, Koku stared intently at the doorway.

"And who are you?"

Jerard waved a hand. "I'm their brother."

Koku put her hands on her hips. "Really now? I'll need some identification, sir… just to make sure you aren't a registered sex offender…"

Jerard smirked, saying nothing. Koku's gaze bored a hole through him, an unrelenting gesture that looked slightly deadly.

"So… can I come in?" Jerard asked Koku. The teen narrowed her eyes.

"Must I show you my collection of hari kari knives?" Koku inquired sharply. "I can't let you in unless you can prove that you're related to Sasuke and Liam…"

Jerard gave Koku a short glare before digging through his pockets, pulling out his driver's license (which, subsequently, he had just gotten back from a rabid 7 Licks fangirl). He showed it to Koku.

"Jerard Hyman," Koku read.

"That's my name," Jerard replied testily. "Can I come in now, or do I have to go through a metal detector, too?"

Koku's face was a mask of confusion. She knew she had heard the name Jerard Hyman before, but couldn't remember where. "That won't be necessary… just come in, Jerard."

-

Lee, Koku, Sasuke, Liam, and Jerard were seated around the table.

"Where are your parents?" Liam asked in interest.

"They're at a fundraiser for the local Boy's and Girl's Club," Lee responded.

Sasuke, as usual, said nothing, instead focusing on a breadstick he had taken from the center of the table.

_Is a Boy's and Girl's Club the same as a YMCA?_

Jerard was looking around the house in mild interest before venting off a few questions.

"Which one of you two is the transfer student?" Jerard asked.

"I am!" Lee cried happily. Koku sweat dropped before smiling at her adopted brother.

_He's so confident! _Koku thought in amazement. _That's so… sexy…_

Jerard nodded. "And you are…?"

"He's Rock Lee," Sasuke stated matter-of-factly. Liam made a tiny noise of interest, turning to the boy.

"Where do you come from?" Jerard inquired.

"England," Rock Lee responded. Sasuke remembered that the two of them were supposedly from England, and went to America for diplomacy reasons.

Jerard nodded before his eyes grew intense. "What was Buckingham Palace before Buckingham Palace was built?"

"Huh?" Liam and Koku asked simultaneously.

"A center for prostitution," Lee answered quickly. Koku blinked.

"Really?" she responded curiously.

_How did he know that? _Koku thought. _Is that general knowledge in Britain?_

"Where are the NATO Headquarters in Britain located?" Jerard inquired harshly.

"NATO Headquarters are in Belgium," Rock Lee sighed with a smile.

Sasuke frowned. _Why is Jerard doing this?_

Koku heard the oven timer beep.

"That's the chicken!" she cried, leaping out of her chair to get the food.

Jerard looked at Lee.

"Are you two… you know…?" Jerard stuck his index finger into a balled-up fist. Liam blanched, Sasuke slapped himself, and Lee was eternally clueless.

"What does that mean?" Lee asked.

"Don't do that again!" Liam begged.

_His logic is beyond me, _Sasuke thought. _I guess if I told him I liked a guy, he'd try to stick a pinky in a pinky…_

"You know…" Jerard now linked his pinkies together. "That?"

Lee cocked his head. "I don't get it."

Jerard sighed. "You are oblivious… just like Sasuke…"

Sasuke glared at Jerard. "What did you say?"  
"Sasuke isn't oblivious," Lee defended Sasuke. "He is one of the smartest people I've ever met… his knowledge is unrivaled by any other Londoner from our school… he specializes in everything, and is weak against nothing… except for a certain someone…"

Sasuke smirked. "You're a good student, too…"

"I guess…"

Jerard looked from Sasuke to Lee, then back to Sasuke.

"So… are you two…?"

"Don't even say it," Sasuke threatened.

**NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 5:47 PM, TUESDAY AFTERNOON**

"Keh-niggots!" Naruto repeated. He was reading his script for Spamalot. Earlier, he had found immediately what he wanted to be – a French Taunter. Taunting people was a skill of Naruto's, and it had been since the Ninja Academy. But now, the auditions were over, and parts were going to be announced.

Shikamaru looked at his script. If you received a script, you were for sure in the play (unless you dropped out – and there was no way Shikamaru was going to do that). He looked around. Naruto was in Spamalot, as was Tenten and Kankuro; Dosu had asked previously if he could be in charge of props, and was granted permission.

Shikamaru had no idea where Neji was, and thought he would be present. He had said earlier in the day that he was probably going to try out for a part – probably Arthur or Galahad. But he was nowhere in sight.

"Neji-kun was here earlier," Tenten sighed behind Shikamaru. Shikamaru jumped a good two feet.

"How'd you know…?"

"You looked slightly worried," Tenten smirked. "And since you knew where Dosu, Naruto, Kankuro, and I were, and you have a script, I figured that you were wondering where Neji went…"

"Do you know where he is?" Shikamaru asked. It seemed all right to ask Neji's girlfriend (lucky bastard) where Neji was.

"Understudies already got their jobs and their scripts," Tenten frowned.

Shikamaru nodded before his jaw dropped. "UNDERSTUDY!"

"Yeah," Tenten said dejectedly. "He's the understudy for King Arthur…"

"But why?" Shikamaru asked. "He's the best actor I've ever seen! Remember the kabuki play?"

Tenten blushed. "Yeah… he was so cool…" Tenten regained her composure. "Neji told me that he didn't want to have the main part. Even the drama teacher wanted him to be Arthur… but he wanted to be the understudy."

"Why?"

"I think… he doesn't like attention," Tenten mused. "That's why he hates Penn… Penn gives him more attention than he wants…"

"Plus Penn is so irritating," Shikamaru scowled.

Tenten giggled. "Yes, that too."

"All right actors and actresses!" the drama teacher announced. Mr. Johansen was a drama freak, and Shikamaru's history teacher. He had gray hair and a beard, and was scrawny and skinny as a pole. He wore printed tees almost every day, and was a slave to Casual Dress Fridays. "I'll announce the roles now, starting with the smaller parts!"

"Our Head French Taunter is… Naruto Rinker!"

Naruto jumped up and down. "BANZAI! BANZAI!"

Naruto jumped over to Shikamaru. "Did you hear that? I'm the Head French Taunter!"

"Good for you," Shikamaru replied. "It's nice to see that you made it in… with me…"

Naruto missed the veiled flirting. "Tenten! What did you try out for?"

"The Lady of the Lake," Tenten responded, showing a picture of the woman who played the Lady of the Lake in the real version of Spamalot. "She's really pretty, no?"

"Yes, very!" Naruto responded, just to be nice, because he still liked Sakura.

Shikamaru took this in a different way.

"What does she have that I don't?" Shikamaru muttered.

_Well, for one thing, she's not a damn bisexual._

Shikamaru blinked at the Rex Harrison-as-Henry-Higgins-in-_My_-_Fair_-_Lady_-sounding voice.

"_Rex Harrison?" _Shikamaru thought.

_What the deuce -! It's Stewie Griffin, you daft retard!_

"_Why are you talking to me in my head?"_

_You're crazy if you think that you can't get Naruto! If I can get someone… wait, no, you can't get Naruto… Jesus, you need to get laid SO badly…_

"_Stop talking to me! I don't like having people in my head! I went through a three-week period after the Chunin Exams where I had Gaara talking to me in my head – SO STOP!"_

Shikamaru frowned. He knew what he had that the Lady of the Lake didn't have – schizophrenia of some sort.

At this point, a few roles had been read.

"Playing the role of Prince Herbert is… Mari Lindel!"

We may have mentioned Mari before, as the girl that Penn cheated off of. But we never quite got a solid description of this pretty girl. Mari had wispy blonde hair, bold brown eyes, and a cute little smile. She was pretty in a shy sort of way, and boy, was she shy. During auditions, Shikamaru was surprised at how good at acting and singing she was. Of course, Mari didn't want a big part; she just wanted to be able to sing something short. However, many of the males present wished that Mari had tried out for the Lady of the Lake, so they could see her in a slinky outfit – Mari was (unknown to the females at Longoria Casablanca) the most sought after girl at school.

Mari smirked when she was announced as Herbert. In all fairness, she looked like Prince Herbert – except her face wasn't nearly as white. She had a nut tan from swimming and volleyball.

"In the role of Patsy…"

Shikamaru braced himself. This was it.

"…Yokorin Winju!"

Shikamaru's eyes widened. He turned to Tenten. "But Tenten, I got a script…"

"Maybe you've got a bigger role than before," Tenten offered. "They did that to the understudy for the Lady of the Lake… she tried out for a French Taunter and got an upgrade."

"But I really wanted to be Patsy," Shikamaru moaned. Kankuro wandered over to Shikamaru.

"I wonder what part I got now…" Kankuro mused.

"Why?" Tenten asked.

"I tried out for the Knight Who Says Ni, but they already announced that…" Kankuro sighed. "God knows I was tall enough."

Shikamaru tried to make sense of Kankuro before listening in.

"Now, our Lady of the Lake is… Tenten Lopez!"

Tenten grinned. "Yay!"

"You got YOUR part…" Shikamaru and Kankuro muttered at the same time.

"Our Sir Bedevere is… Vance James!"

Vance James was a short little guy, but he had a wicked sense of humor. He had brown hair and a light tan from playing so much basketball.

"Our Sir Galahad is… Kankuro Rinker!"

Kankuro looked at the teacher, and then at his script. "Oh… my… God… do I sing THAT well?"

"Dunno," Shikamaru shrugged. "You did fairly well in that kabuki play."

"I was a tree," Kankuro pointed out.

"Yeah, but you were stiff as a board!" Tenten giggled.

"Our Sir Lancelot is… Shikamaru Uiolio!"

Shikamaru almost didn't notice that his name was called. When he did hear his name, he realized he was Sir Lancelot… he had a few songs.

Shikamaru flipped to the one named 'His Name is Lancelot' and discovered a terrible truth.

"Lancelot… is… gay…" Shikamaru uttered in a barely audible whisper. Tenten looked over his shoulder and began chortling like a maniac.

"Well, you could have fared worse," Kankuro noted.

Shikamaru looked at Kankuro with frantic eyes. "What do you mean, I could have done worse? My character is… is…"

"Well, your character could have been female," Kankuro interrupted. Shikamaru glared at Kankuro for a few seconds before he turned back to his script.

Tenten sidled closer to Shikamaru, ready to whisper something secret in his ear.

"In the play, you're in love with Prince Herbert," Tenten explained. "The girl playing Prince Herbert is Mari Lindel."

Shikamaru scoffed. "How is that going to -?" Shikamaru paused, an expression of relief flooding over his shaken frame. "Herbert is being played by a girl?"

"Yeah," Tenten said as if Shikamaru was thick. "Didn't you hear her name announced?"

"She's the girl that all the guys want to get," Kankuro murmured. "She is rather pretty… but introverted…"

Shikamaru sighed.

_Good… a fellow introvert._

Sir Robin was to be played by a person named Palin Chapman (who, much to everyone's embarrassment, seemed to be neither entirely male or entirely female… based on appearance, that is) and Sir Arthur had been cast as Randall Evergreen, a haughty guy who, despite being an excellent actor and singer, was very cocky and rude.

After announcements had been made, everyone was to leave for home. Shikamaru grabbed his backpack to find that someone had placed a backpack next to his on a table – and the backpack touted a Stewie key chain.

"A Stewie key chain…" Shikamaru whispered, either in awe or shock that someone else liked such a character. (Shikamaru, you are DEFINITELY not alone.) He almost touched the small doll when the backpack was yanked off the table and landed on Shikamaru's foot. The backpack weighed about thirty pounds.

"Oh God, are you all right?" the voice asked, timid and quiet but energetic at the same time.

Shikamaru couldn't feel his foot. "I'm fine. I'll be fine."

Shikamaru looked up to find that the person who owned the backpack was the girl who played Prince Herbert, Mari Lindel. She looked really concerned.

"But my backpack weighs about thirty pounds," Mari protested.

"I've felt worse," Shikamaru brushed it off. Yes, he had felt worse. No, never in the area of his feet.

Mari sighed. "Thank God you're okay… the last person who got hit with this ended up with a concussion…"

Shikamaru decided now was the time to change the subject. "You like Family Guy?"

"Yeah," Mari answered, slightly shocked. "Why?"

"You have a Stewie key chain on your backpack, right next to Mihoshi and Kiyone from Tenchi Muyo."

Mari laughed nervously. "Yeah… I knew that… Stewie is cool."

"Yeah, he is," Shikamaru said. "I don't like Quagmire, though. He's creepy."

"See, I find him funny," Mari countered. "Brian is the one who scares me."

"How could you be scared of the dog?" Shikamaru asked. "If he was a human…"

Shikamaru realized he'd said too much. Way too much. He practically told Mari that he was bi.

Mari paused before smiling. "So… you're that way, too…"

"What?" Shikamaru asked, swinging his backpack on.

"Don't hide it," Mari smirked. "I know you're bi, and I don't care. Because I am, too."

Shikamaru almost blanched before smiling. Maybe he wasn't so weird after all.

"Mari! Come on! We have to get home to see that Weezer music video!"

That was Yokorin, the girl who was Patsy. She had short, greasy brown hair, wide brown eyes, and a lanky figure. She wore a shirt over a sixties-ish green mini dress over a pair of banged up jeans. Her backpack proclaimed "Support Weezer", with many other Sharpied-on anecdotes, from "Long Live the Gym Shorts" to "What the Deuce" to "I'm Out of the Shower, Where's My Milk?"

"Coming, Yoko!" Mari called, and began to walk away before turning around.

"See you later, Shika-chan," Mari said.

Shikamaru's jaw dropped. "Uh… see you later, Mari-kun…"

Mari winked before walking away with Yoko.

Naruto walked by the frozen Shikamaru and attempted to tap on his shoulder. There was no response. Naruto stepped on Shikamaru's numb foot. No response – again. Naruto sighed.

"Shikamaru! WAKE UP!" Naruto yelled. There was no response.

"Ugh…" Naruto sighed. He contemplated throwing out the Sexy no Jutsu for a second… but then he got an idea.

"SEXY NO JUTSU!" Naruto yelled, without doing anything. Shikamaru turned around.

"Oh, it's you," Shikamaru said before realizing who 'you' was. "Oh, Naruto, how nice of you to drop in… aren't you walking home with your brothers today?"

"Actually, we were thinking that we'd stop by the mall, and we're inviting everyone," Naruto shrugged. "Wanna come with?"

"Of course!" Shikamaru yelled at Naruto.

Naruto fell over. "Oh… okay…"

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 6:12 PM, TUESDAY EVENING**

The meal was almost over, and Koku had rushed into the kitchen to fix dessert. Jerard had gotten over grilling Lee and was actually making polite conversation, and Liam was doing the same. Sasuke was silent, as always: he was trying to analyze the situation, like any ninja would.

"So…" Jerard began once Koku left. "What do you think of our television shows?"

"They're okay, I guess," Lee said. "I don't watch television too much, because I'm training."

"Training?" Jerard blinked.

"I have to stay in top shape if I want to make the track team!" Lee smiled widely. "I trained hard in London, and I'll train hard here."

Liam wiped his mouth off with a napkin. He ate notoriously slow. "So you don't watch ANY television at all?"

"Well… there is this one show that I like…" Lee began before looking down.

"Well?" Jerard asked. "What is it?"

"It's… well, it's kind of embarrassing…"

"What show?" Liam inquired.

"Uh… heh… um… it's…"

_Spit it out, _Sasuke thought vehemently.

"It's Hi Hi Puffy Amiyumi!" Lee cried. "I love that show! It's so funny and weird and cool!"

Jerard blinked, Liam's jaw dropped, and Sasuke sweat dropped.

"Hi Hi…"

"Puffy…"

"Amiyumi?"

"Yeah!" Lee blushed, embarrassed. "But Koku said that was more of a girl's show, so I figured I wouldn't mention it."

"You got that right…" Jerard moaned. Liam narrowed his eyes.

"You watch Winx Club," Liam countered. "Why are you acting like Lee's crazy?"

Jerard sweat dropped, and while Liam was making subtle threats to Jerard, Sasuke turned to Lee.

"If I may ask, what's for dessert?" Sasuke asked.

Lee thought. "I think its cake…"

A huge explosion rattled the house. Lee and Sasuke (being closest to the door, lucky them) looked into the kitchen to find that the cake had exploded and the kitchen was now coated in chocolate batter. Koku blinked, rubbing chocolate away from her eye, and looked around the room.

"Oh my God…!" Koku screeched before her eyes widened. "This place… oh God, I am in SO much trouble…"

Lee walked in and patted Koku on the shoulder. "Don't worry… we'll both take the blame, remember?"

Koku looked up at Lee, into his friendly eyes, and smiled. Lee smiled. Koku turned a bit red, and leaned in before seeing Sasuke out of the corner of her eye. Flustered, Koku went into the cabinet to get some rags, and Lee took out some Mr. Clean from under the sink.

Sasuke came in. "Hey, do you guys need help?"

Liam followed. "Woah… give me a rag, I'm helping."

Jerard ambled in last. "…I need to use a set like this in a music video."

So the five of them spent most of the evening wiping chocolate off of the walls and listening to stupid, passé pop CDs like Britney Spears and 98 Degrees.

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 11:57 AM, WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON**

"She had dinner with him?"

Jackie looked at a distraught Sakura. Sakura's eyes were lined with angry tears, and her hair fell limply to the side of her face. She was wearing jeans and a floppy jacket over a tight red shirt, and her hair was tied back with red lace. Jackie was wearing a sweat-suit type outfit, with pink bottoms and a pink jacket over a white shirt. Her short brown hair was tied back with a pink ribbon.

"Yes," Sakura sobbed. "How can he like her, though?"

"I can't believe this," Jackie scoffed. "How could ANYONE like her? Everyone knows she's just a big fake. Once, she claimed she signed fifteen Internet petitions to bring back Family Guy."

"Yeah, but so did I."

The person who said that had long black hair with red highlights going through it. She wore large wire-rim glasses over her stunning opal eyes, and her button-up boy's dress shirt clung to her body as if it was tailored for her. Her pink lips curled up into a smile.

"Orohime, you like that show?" Jackie inquired in surprise.

"Of course… any show with world domination and sex jokes is a great show, right?" Orohime countered. Her voice was supple and deep.

"Whatever you say," Jackie sighed. She hated animation. To her, it was the lowest form of art in the world, after porn and comedies, of course.

Sakura sniffled. "Orohime, do you know how I can get Sasuke away from that freak girl?"

Orohime smirked even wider. "Of course I can. The don't call me the heir to the Astronominov clan for nothing… I can come up with a plan perfect for this…"

Jackie smirked evilly. "It was YOU who broke up Asher and Raquel, wasn't it?"

"Of course," Orohime responded. "I'm the foremost Date Ruiner in the school."

Orohime turned to Sakura, whose face was brightening with every word. "Don't you worry, Sakura. We'll get Sasuke for you if it's the last thing we do. After all, you are in the most exclusive clique in school… the Bling Blings!"

Sakura smiled, a mixture of grit and steely determination. "Right."

**RURAL KANSAS: 2:01 PM, MONDAY AFTERNOON**

"And this is our dinin' room," the girl in the taffeta-checked dress, Nancy Loss, explained. "We don't use it of'n, on account that we don't celebrate too many holidays. We do eat in here on birthdays and Christmas and Thanksgivin' and stuff like that."

Kin blinked for the three-hundred-sixteenth time in three minutes. Not one bit of information spiked her brain, but Nancy's brown hair, wide blue eyes, irritating Southern drawl, and hyperactivity drove Kin up a wall – a very short wall. Kin looked to her fellow ninja. They didn't seem bothered.

Nancy turned a corner. "And over here is the den, y'all. We don't have many movies or nothin', but we do tape a lot of the plays that premier at the theater down the street. Y'all ever seen Rocky Horror Picture Show?"

"No," Zaku answered in a normal voice. Kin sighed in relief. He didn't fall head over heels for her, like Choji had. Kin could tell – Choji had a tinge of red to his face and a tremor in his voice whenever he spoke to Nancy.

However, there was someone in the den who didn't take kindly to Nancy's appearance. Emerging from a sturdy armchair by the small television was a tall, handsome boy of about sixteen, with nut-colored hair, a dark tan, and icy blue eyes.

"Are these the teens, Nancy?" he asked in a strong voice.

Kin's frown turned into an open jaw. How could a girl so irritating, so ugly, so damn stupid have a brother so…

Kin nearly smacked herself. She was in love with Zaku, and that was for reasons entirely different – he was loyal, dedicated, and unafraid to admit defeat (now that he had no powers he could truly call his own). Physical attraction was for losers, Kin reasoned.

Temari smirked.

_But why don't I feel nauseous like I should? I mean, I felt all nauseous with Kiba…_

Kiba stood erect, as if he was protecting his beloved Ino from this boy.

The boy cocked his head before he smiled. "I'm Darien… Nancy's brother. Please pardon her… she has a disease that makes her prone to aggravation."

"Hay!" Nancy pouted.

Kin couldn't help but stifle a giggle. Darien was so right. Nancy had a severe case of Irritating Teen Syndrome.

Zaku looked over at the slightly pink Kin and frowned. He knew it. She hadn't liked anyone for a while, and now she had fallen for Darien. He was too late – he couldn't have Kin.

"So," Ino began, "where are your parents?"

Darien and Nancy froze (they were fighting at the time). They both turned to the group. Nancy was crimson and dank, while Darien was pallid and stone cold.

"Our… parents?" Nancy repeated, a tear catching her eyelashes.

Ino realized that she had hit a sour topic. "Oh, I'm so sorry…! I didn't realize that -!"

"It's all right," Darien replied, ruffling Ino's hair as a parent would ruffle a child's. "They… abandoned us here before skipping off to Mexico, getting drunk, and who knows where they are now – or if they're even alive."

Darien said this all with a straight face while Nancy choked up.

Kin gasped.

_What have we gotten ourselves into?_

**KONOHAGAKURE: 1:28 AM, LATE MONDAY/EARLY TUESDAY**

"What about Hyuuga Neji, Master Itachi?" Kabuto asked, going through yet another ninja dossier card. "It seems that he is very similar to Sasuke in many ways: silent yet deadly, no history of past girlfriends…"

Itachi threw a pencil at Kabuto. "IDIOT! Hyuuga Neji is dating that Chinese ninja, Tenten!"

"Oh yeah…" Kabuto put the dossier card in a giant pile of 'used' dossiers. Kabuto picked up the next card before a wide grin spread across his face.

"Master Itachi, what about him?"

Itachi looked over Kabuto's shoulder and grinned. "Yes, I think that this is our match…"

Kabuto pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"Aburame Shino… currently in California…"

**End Episode Five**

A/N: No, NEXT episode is the Shino episode. I'm sorry, Shino fans, but if you take a look at this episode, you can kind of see why I changed that… (looks at page ticker) This thing is fourteen pages long… shitake mushrooms…

PAIRING UPDATE!

Zaku/Kin, NO LONGER ONE-SIDED!

Possible Darien/Kin

I know, not much today…

A/N 2: I love Family Guy! And just so you know, Stewie will NOT be making any more appearances in Shikamaru's head. Sorry.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own squat, much less Naruto, Family Guy, or any of those other popular shows. I hope my vengeful sarcasm shows.

**Preview of Episode Six**

NOW it's time for… SHINO! Aburame Shino will, as promised, try to get into Asher's group, but now there's a sinister twist: Kabuto is trying to track Shino down, Shino is dragged into the filming of Gaara's filmmaking group's movie, Orohime begins her plan to get Sasuke away from Koku (who doesn't even HAVE Sasuke to begin with), and while all this is going on, 'The Phantom of the Opera' auditions at Jackson Price Middle School are announced to be on next Tuesday! What on EARTH could happen before then?

In Kansas, Darien and Nancy introduce the six ninja to… the farm animals and Grandma Luigi! While Kin gets along with the animals – and on Grandma's bad side – Zaku tries to win her heart, Ino is accused of being Paris Hilton in disguise, and Choji is shocked to discover that Gatorade actually tastes GOOD!

Next time: The Silent, the Deadly… The Mediator? Aburame Shino Special!  
Naruto: Why am I NOT IN THIS?

Shino: I hate episode previews…


	6. Episode Six and going strong!

**Coming to America! Episode Six**

**The Silent, The Deadly… The Mediator? Aburame Shino Special!**

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 11:58 AM, WEDNESDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON**

Aburame Shino walked down the halls. Actually, walked isn't quite the word for it. Shino's feet oftentimes shuffled across the floors of Jackson Price, a habit that irritated a few of his classmates – but Shino didn't care what THEY thought. He just wanted to get into that all-exclusive group… that group with the best rockers, the coolest Goths, the quietest punks… the only group that didn't care how you looked, but instead looked at your musical pedigree…

Asher's group, a.k.a. 'The Band'. It was called 'The Band' because, even though all of the people in Asher's group (there were so many that came and went as they pleased that it was hard to get an exact number) were so diverse in their musical talent, when they got together, they created a sound so lovely that no one ignored them.

Case in point: Koku Reeves, Asher Curtis, and Jessica Leeann. Koku was a second soprano, and could hit every note on the high scale. But when it came to the low end of the spectrum, she was screwed. Asher could handle the low end, but when he tried to sing a high note, he lost what little control he had over his voice. And Jessica Leeann, a brunette athlete with a muscular build, had a voice somewhere between Koku and Asher; one that couldn't hit all the high notes, but could hit most of them (same for the low notes). When paired together, the three of them made the best harmony that the various students at school had ever heard.

Asher shuffled down the hallway, but before he reached the cafeteria, made an abrupt left turn and reached a table that seated six different kids.

Two of them were Koku Reeves (because today was Wednesday, and on Wednesday, she would hang out with Asher and 'The Band') and Asher Curtis, of course. The others were Liam Hyman, Orohime Astronominov, Sasuke Hyman, and a Latino raven-haired girl named Nicole Sanchez, who was busty and beautiful and could play the acoustic guitar like no one's business.

Today, as was most days at 'The Band' table, discussion was about 'Family Guy'. Koku adored the show and knew just about everything there was to know about the show, as did Orohime (of course, she did not reveal her position as a spy for the Bling Blings). Asher found the show to be the best there was; Nicole had only seen about two episodes and liked it just fine (but thought that Desperate Housewives was funnier); Liam was indifferent on the subject, as he was on just about every subject; and Sasuke just listened, his hands folded underneath his chin, a bowl of ramen sitting before him.

Shino hid in the shadows for a few minutes, just listening to the six talk about the animated show.

"I'm telling you, Quagmire is my least favorite character," Nicole sighed. "He's just a pervert."

"How can you not like him?" Asher smirked. "I mean, seriously… Nicole, just think about him for a second. He's just so… funny!"

"Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy!" Koku managed to say before she began to laugh so hard that she was gasping for air.

Orohime laughed, and so did Liam (who was focused on some music sheets sitting before him). Asher laughed about as hard as Koku did, and Sasuke merely smiled, a major show of emotion. Nicole frowned and narrowed her eyes.

"You should be ashamed of yourselves, you sexist pigs!" Nicole cried. Everyone stopped laughing.

"No, we're not being sexist," Asher corrected. "Quagmire's just… funny…"

"In a sick perverted heartless sex hound kind of way…" Koku ratted off, sounding empty.

Sasuke looked down at his ramen. "At least he's not gay."

Orohime looked at Sasuke questioningly. "What does that mean? You homophobic?"

"…No," Sasuke answered. "But it wouldn't be so funny if he was gay, would it?"

Everyone shook their heads. Sasuke nodded.

"My point exactly," Sasuke smirked before taking a gulp of ramen.

It was at this time that Shino decided to come around the corner. Koku looked at him as he stood by the table.

"Hello," Koku smiled. "Welcome to 'The Band'…"

Liam made a chord noting on the sheet music. "Do you play any music?"

Shino's eyes were hidden completely by his glasses. If anyone could have seen them, they would have told Shino that he looked like a sappy shojo girl. He was that happy.

"I play this…" Shino said in his cold voice.

Shino extracted a small blue potato-shaped instrument with a spout at the end of it. There were four holes on the instrument, which Shino covered with his fingers. Shino put his mouth on the spout, and began to play something so beautiful that the others didn't care what song it was or what movie/game/TV show it was from. The melody completely enveloped the fairly deserted hallway.

Sasuke blinked. He had no idea that Shino could play any instruments. Actually, he had no idea that Shino had any interest in music. Shino didn't show much interest in anything, which was why Sasuke had pegged him a lost cause as early as first year of the academy.

_Yeah, that's when I met HIM…_

Shino slipped the blue potato into his pocket, looking at the others at the table (not that they would have known that… his glasses, you know). Most of them had some form of open jaw.

"What was that… instrument…?" Koku finally asked.

"An ocarina," Shino answered in a blunt, quick fashion – back to his old self.

"Was that the Lon Lon Ranch Song from Ocarina of Time?" Orohime asked in a bewildered voice.

"Yes," Shino replied.

"Any interest in the school musical?" Asher inquired in a way so reminiscent of Brian Griffin that Koku half expected him to pull out a martini shaker and yell something about humping someone's leg.

"Musical?" Shino repeated. "There's a musical?"

"Of course," Liam answered, making a chord note above a particular music bridge. "It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'The Phantom of the Opera'. We need some appealing instruments for that… I'm co-president of the orchestra pit."

"The Phantom of the Opera?" Shino reiterated. He had absolutely NO idea what was transpiring here.

"You've never seen it?" Koku gasped. "That's like… sacrilege! Isn't it, Asher?"

Asher rolled his eyes. "Yes, it's sacrilege, and I'm part of the leprechaun police, here to mind-wipe you."

Nicole ignored Asher's comment. "It's a classic…"

"Shino," Shino stated plainly. "Shino Tchiakowski."

"Is that Russian?" Nicole asked.

"Ukranian."

"I see." Nicole cleared her throat. "Well, anyway, you have to get in the orchestra pit, if nothing else. Musical auditions are tomorrow, but if you want to be in the cast, auditions are next Tuesday."

"I'm trying out for the Vicount de Chagny, Raoul," Asher told Shino.

"I'm trying out for Meg Giry," Orohime shrugged. "I'm not a very good actress."

"I don't know what I'm trying out for," Koku admitted. "Maybe La Carlotta, the one who can't sing."

"But you CAN sing," Nicole sighed. "Very well. You should be Christine, the heroine. NO ONE can match her in the school except for you."

"What about Jackie Waterford?" Koku frowned. "She gets all the lead roles."

"Because you don't try out for them!" Asher yelled. "Look, Raoul kisses Christine, and if I have to make out with that skeez, I will kill you! Just audition for Christine!"

"You want me to audition for Christine because you get to hook up with me!" Koku shrieked, stunned.

"No!" Asher cried. "That came out wrong!"

As Asher and Koku argued, Sasuke turned to Shino.

"I'm thinking about pulling the curtains," Sasuke said. Shino nodded. It made a lot of sense to him. Sasuke didn't like being seen unless he had to protect HIM.

"So HE doesn't go to this school?" Shino asked Sasuke.

"No," Sasuke asked. "He doesn't."

Rock Lee emerged from around the corner and took a seat next to Koku before seeing Shino. "Hey, Shino. What brings you here?"

"I wanted to sit here," Shino answered briskly.

Asher and Koku were still yelling at each other.

"You were probably hoping that Christine's played by another guy!" Koku yelled vehemently.

Asher puckered his lips and frowned, saying nothing.

Koku then grinned. "I guess I _might_ try out for Christine, so that a certain _someone_ could see me…"

Orohime immediately thought she had her evidence that Koku was in love with Sasuke. Koku was referencing to Lee, though, and Asher knew it. Asher rolled his eyes.

_I can't believe her, _Asher sighed. _She's so weird._

Just then, a Chinese girl with wiry hair rounded the corner with a video camera. She grinned happily before jumping around the corner and, taking Shino by the arm, she dragged him away.

Koku looked around Lee to see Shino being dragged away. "What's Lin doing?"

Lee smiled at Koku. "He'll be okay."

In the process of doing this, Lee accidentally brushed his hand against Koku's leg. Koku stiffened, and her face turned red. Asher noticed this and chuckled before Koku punched him.

-

Kabuto was wandering the halls, acting as a substitute teacher for a certain Mr. Williams, when he saw Shino being talked to by a little Chinese girl, a creepy teenage male, a redhead, and a shy little girl who Kabuto recognized as one of the Hyuuga clan. The four of them were telling Shino that he was needed for their movie. Shino sighed and nodded, not really caring.

"All righty, then!" the redhead called. "We just need you to bump into Gaara, so that he'll run into Hina. Got it?"

Shino nodded. Lin readied her camera before Kabuto passed her. Lin turned around.

"Oh, hello, Mr. Subato!" Lin yelled. Kabuto turned around and smiled.

"Hello, Miss Sook-an," Kabuto said back before turning around. As he continued walking down the hall, he got an excellent idea. He needed a human spy in this school for as long as possible, and this bubbly Chinese girl could provide the perfect front for him.

As Kabuto rounded the corner, he made quite a few intricate hand designs before settling on the sign of the bird.

"Art of the Forget-Me-Not," Kabuto whispered. A pink energy surrounded Kabuto, and the energy sought after Lin, slamming into her without a sound or warning.

Gaara felt the chakra surrounding the substitute teacher, but dismissed it as Shino's chakra. Shino did the same thing, except mistaking the chakra for Gaara's own. And, even in the presence of these two expert ninja, Lin had been possessed – in a romantic fashion – by Kabuto.

**THE LOSS FARM, KANSAS: 1:09 PM, TUESDAY AFTERNOON**

Kin wiped multiple beads of sweat off of her brow, smiling. She had successfully milked her third cow of the day, under the watchful eye of that never-ceasing irritant, Nancy. Zaku saw Kin smiling as she took her milk pail to the next cow, Nancy following her. In actuality, he was cleaning the rooster pens, with Darien (his new rival in love) watching over him. Zaku wished he could just smack Darien and confess his love for Kin, and they could run away somewhere…

_At least,_ Zaku thought, _I'm not doing as badly as Ino._

Ino was clearly not suited to farm life. She had been assigned to tying up bales of hay and giving them to the animals. Unfortunately, she couldn't tie knots quite right, and the farmhand girl that was staring down at her kept yelling about her being a stereotypical blonde. Ino didn't understand half of the farmhand's banter about cell phones and My Space, but she did get the Paris Hilton jabs, and didn't like them at all.

Ino managed to tie up her second bale of hay after an hour. Kin had milked seven cows, Zaku had cleaned up ten of the rooster's coops, Choji had collected about fifty eggs from the chickens, Kiba had managed to round up five different groups of sheep with some help from Akamaru, and Temari was mowing the lawn at the front of the farm.

Temari looked over to the place where Kiba was rounding up sheep so that a farmer could give the sheep medicines and vaccines. Temari blushed before realizing what she was thinking.

_No way. There is NO WAY that I like Kiba._

A little Temari angel appeared on Temari's shoulder. Temari glared at the angel.

"I thought I said that the next time you showed up, I'd get McMartin on you," Temari scowled.

"Well," the angel sighed, "I'm not here to give you advice… I'm here to tell you to WAKE UP!"

"Wake up?" Temari repeated, still laboring over the lawn and staring at Kiba.

"Yeah," the angel scoffed. "You SAY in your head that you don't like Kiba."

"And I don't."

"Yes, you don't."

"So why are you -?"

"You LOVE him."

Temari's jaw dropped. "No. No, I do not."

"I live inside your brain," Temari angel moaned. "I know your brain better than you do. And buried beneath the chakras and the spells and the hate, there's a part of you that you didn't know existed."

"The happy part," Temari finished. The angel nodded before checking its watch.

"Well, I have to get going. Passions is almost on," the angel explained. "See ya later, Temari-chan."

Temari watched her angel poof away, and pretended like nothing had happened. In reality, her brain was working harder than ever.

"I love him," Temari repeated. Instead of sounding weak and pitiful, as it did to her before, it sounded powerful and overwhelming. She loved Kiba.

Temari finished the lawn quicker than she thought she could, and put the lawn mower away. Temari walked back to the other side of the house to get more instructions from Nancy, but everyone was standing in a line. Temari hastily joined the line, next to Ino.

"What's going on?" Temari asked in a whisper.

"Inspection of some sort, they said," Ino whispered back.

Zaku was sweating like a pig. He was standing next to the fair Kin, and he really didn't want to be made a fool of.

Emerging from the house was an elderly woman with thick gray hair and a stocky build. She wore green horn-rimmed glasses over piercing, icy light blue eyes, and she was wearing overalls over a green tee shirt. Her mouth was curled into a puckering grimace.

Nancy ran over to the woman. "Grandma Luigi, the new kids got here!"

"About time," Grandma Luigi said in a normal voice. "After Rochelle and her good-for-nothing family quit, we've been short."

Kiba gulped from the other side of Ino. He was standing next to Ino, he was afraid of this Grandma Luigi, AND he had to pee very badly. Poor Kiba.

Temari saw Kiba gulp and wished that she could place a hand on his shoulder, in an attempt to calm him down slightly. But she couldn't because Ino was in the way.

Grandma first took a look at Kin.

"Who's this?" she asked.

"That's Kin," Nancy told Grandma Luigi. "She milked about ten cows today – twice as many as the best farmhands at the Stella Ranch."

"That's good," Grandma Luigi complimented Kin. "She's obviously a strong girl… she has the build of a warrior."

Kin bowed. "Thank you, Luigi-sensei."

Grandma moved on to Zaku, who was trembling mightily. "And…"

"Zaku. He cleaned many of the rooster coops," Nancy explained. "An average worker. He gets a bit slowed down by a childhood accident."

"Accident?" Grandma repeated. "What accident?"

Zaku held up his hands, with the holes in both of them. "I accidentally got nails in both of them. I wanted to be a carpenter before this."

Kin knew that all that was a lie, but she knew that the truth was worse. She got the sudden urge to hold him, but knew that would be improper. Grandma Luigi went on, from Choji to Kiba, who she complemented on excellent work (especially Kiba, who Grandma called the best worker she had ever seen). Then came Ino. Ino had only tied four bales of hay, very sluggish work, apparently.

"Only four?" Grandma Luigi stated, a bit shocked. "Rochelle managed to do six – still a pitiful number, to be sure."

"I'm sorry, Madame Luigi," Ino petered out, embarrassed and confused. Usually, she was good at everything. She might not excel at anything, but she grasped so many things in seconds or less. Now, it seemed, without Sasuke she was adrift. Or maybe she just wasn't cut out for farm work.

"We need to feed all of the horses, you infantile stupid!" Grandma Luigi yelled. Ino winced. She had never been called infantile, just stupid on occasions. She didn't like being compared to a baby.

Temari watched Grandma Luigi chew out Ino, and felt slightly bad for her rival in love. Kin felt even worse, because she knew that Ino just had a little case of butterfingers, and that Choji would have done even worse than Ino if he had been schlepped in to tie hay bales. Kin would have probably done worse than Choji, because the rooster coops were right next to her post. Guess who cleaned the coops…

"Stop it!" Kin finally yelled, unable to contain herself. Grandma Luigi looked over to her.

"Stop what?"

"She's just nervous! She really is a great worker, just give her a chance, you prejudiced twot!"

And that was how Kin got on Grandma Luigi's bad side…

-

"Oh boy," Kin grunted later that day. "I get to schlep around cow dung."

Choji delivered a cup of Gatorade to Kin.

"What's this?" Kin asked.

"It's Gatorade," Choji replied, drinking deeply from his own cup. "It replenishes electrolytes and helps you keep your energy while working. It tastes pretty good, actually."

Kin drank from a paper cup and smiled. "I like it."

Ino walked by Kin and stopped. She turned to Kin, carrying one of her hay bales precariously on her back.

"Thank you so much, Kin," Ino thanked gratefully. "I can't believe you would do that for me… because we were once enemies, you know."

"That was before you were accused of being an intern from Punk'd," Kin responded. "A friend in need, right?"

Ino smiled. "Right."

**KONOHAGAKURE: 8:12 PM, TUESDAY EVENING**

"What a pretty butterfly…"

Konohamaru was chasing bugs in the forest, like he used to do with Naruto after he came home from an important assignment. Naruto would blow off all other plans just to do a calm activity.

Konohamaru really missed Naruto these days. Sure, Naruto's "dad" was able to have a link to the Hokage, and Naruto sent letters, but it was fun to have Naruto be there in person to talk to him.

A flash of light came through the forest that Konohamaru rested in. Konohamaru dropped to the ground, fearing that he might be in the middle of an ambush. When the Honored Grandson looked up, he saw the spy Kabuto in his midst, a small pink crystal ball floating in his hand.

Konohamaru recalled what Iruka-sensei had said about such crystal balls.

_"The three arts that involve crystal balls – Art of the Forget-Me-Not, Art of the Iris, and Art of the Reed – are fairly basic techniques that most ninja will know. However, because they are slightly impractical in battle, they are rarely used except as spying tools," Iruka lectured. "Art of the Forget-Me-Not allows one to alter a person's feelings in order to spy on someone - like making them fall in love with the ninja in order to use them. The wielder of this carries a pink energy ball…"_

Konohamaru gasped and ran for it, leaving all of his bug-catching gear on the ground. He needed to warn someone. Iruka, the Hokage, Kakashi, Asuma, Anko… he didn't care if he ran into Ebisu, he just needed to get help from a jonin elite…

**End Episode Six**

A/N: Well, guess what. We're actually getting through the story now! Yes, there's actually PLOT DEVELOPMENT next! So let's look forward to it! And, um… wow, this chapter really doesn't have much to talk about.

PAIRING UPDATES: None to really speak of, except maybe now the Temari/Kin one sided is official.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto or any aforementioned product.

**Preview Episode Seven**

We jump forward a week to see the auditions for the Jackson Price adaptation of the ubiquitous musical, The Phantom of the Opera. Koku has decided to try out for Christine, causing much pallor with Sakura and Jackie, who are now fully convinced that Koku is in love with Sasuke. Rather, Koku is trying to impress Rock Lee… but what happens when the recruited organ player, Jerard, sees all these beautiful, talented women? Sakura has her problems, too. When Jackie sees her reading books about contacting the dead at the library, she begins to fear that her sister is involved with the occult… but the real reason for the books is a bit more involved than that.

In New York, rehearsals are underway, and Mari and Yoko are revealed to be very close friends – so close that it makes Shikamaru oddly jealous! What are Shikamaru's true colors – and is he just faking his affection for Mari because the two of them are co-stars? Meanwhile, it seems Tenten and Neji are super-serious in their relationship – Neji has even given her a ring! What does THAT mean?

And, finally, Kiba learns the awful truth about Darien when he finds him attempting to kidnap someone – and the person he attempts to kidnap is Temari!

Coming Up: Musical Mania! The Trials and Tribulations of Putting on A Show!  
Stewie: (to author) YOU are the worst thing to happen to musicals since Andrew Lloyd Webber! (Then to Naruto) And I just plain don't like you.

Naruto: What?

Shikamaru: How troublesome…

Rock Lee: Ganbare, everyone!  
Koku: Does he even READ the episode summaries…? (sniffles)

Sakura: See ya next time!


	7. Episode Seven return from hiatus, baby

**Coming to America! Episode Seven**

**Musical Mania! The Trials and Tribulations of Putting on A Show!**

**NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 2:39 PM, 2ND TUESDAY**

"Shikamaru, you're a stupid ken-niggot!" Naruto yelled before turning to Dosu. "Dosu, you're a stupid ken-niggot!" And the procedure repeated… "Tenten, you're a stupid ken-niggot!"

"It is rather amusing," Neji admitted. "Naruto gets a part in the play doing what he does best."

"Yelling ken-niggot?" Shikamaru offered.

"No… well, that too," Neji responded. "He's the best at being irritating. And guess what he's doing?"

"Ah," Shikamaru nodded, not saying much else. As with most days, Mr. Johansen was late getting out of his classroom, and the actors in the play were stranded inside the multi-purpose room. Currently, Naruto was running around doing nothing, Dosu was warming up his voice with Tenten and Kankuro, Vance and Randall were arguing (over why egotists always got the lead roles in plays), and Palin appeared to be writing in a black notebook. All of the other actors were going through their lines, warming up their voices, or chatting (two of the 'Laker Girls' were talking about Tom Cruise and how he had gone insane).

Mari, Yoko, and another girl that Kankuro fancied named Penelope Tang were together in one group, talking about the play. Shikamaru had taken it unto himself to eavesdrop on them, only to find that the three of them weren't talking about anything that resembled the plot line of the play. They actually seemed to be role-playing.

"So," Penelope began to ask Yoko, "how are our plans to get the Krabby Patty formula coming?"

"I wouldn't know, I don't live underwater," Yoko scoffed. "Remember? I live in another dimension – at a magic school."

"And you have wings," Mari noted. "That's awesome…"

"Hello, you have wings too!" Penelope cried out in a somewhat mocking tone.

"And a crowny thing," Yoko added.

Shikamaru was about to join their odd conversation when Mr. Johansen entered the room, put down all of the materials he needed for rehearsals (the master script, any new additions to the script, song lyrics, the music for the people in the 'orchestra', and so on and so forth) on a table, and pulled up a chair.

"All right everybody," Mr. Johansen yelled. "Sit up on the stage."

Everyone leaped, jumped, or otherwise fell onto the stage. Naruto tripped over Neji's foot and did a face plant into the stage floor, but everyone seemed uninjured otherwise.

Kankuro tried to get a seat next to Penelope, who, unfortunately, was sitting directly in-between Yoko and Mari. Kankuro sighed and took a seat next to Dosu.

"Why does she not notice me?" Kankuro asked Dosu. Dosu shrugged.

"All of these normal girls are weird," Dosu answered indirectly. "One girl I didn't even know walked up to me and asked me on a date."

"And?"

"You know about Hinata."

"Of course I do. You and Naruto know about Penelope, Naruto and I know about Hinata, and you and I know about Sakura," Kankuro explained to no one in particular. "Moreover, we know about Tenten and Neji, and we know all about Shikamaru…"

Shikamaru, unbeknownst to them, was standing right over the pair.

"Don't you find him a bit creepy?" Dosu asked. "I mean, he likes Gaara AND Sasuke… there's something wrong there."

"I think that he likes the front man for 7 Licks," Kankuro shrugged.

"Jerard Hyman?"

"Yeah, him," Kankuro replied.

A vein pulsed in Shikamaru's head. As long as they didn't bring up anything else…

"What about Family Guy?" Dosu asked Kankuro in a low voice. "He seems to worship that show."

"Don't you know?" Kankuro inquired. Obviously, Dosu didn't know. "He's in love with…"

"I'd like to cut this banter short, if you don't mind, Kankuro, Dosu," Shikamaru finally said. Dosu and Kankuro turned around, and their faces became pale as sheets. Their eyes widened as they struggled to find words.

"Ah… hi, Shikamaru… er…"

"Um… it's… ah…"

"For your information, I do have a liking for women, too," Shikamaru muttered in such a venomous voice that Kankuro was certain that he was possessed. Then he realized that he had never seen Shikamaru so pissed off at anyone in his life.

"Uh… we meant nothing by that, Shikamaru…" Kankuro tried to explain before Shikamaru cracked his knuckles loudly.

Naruto, his face red from a rather nasty face plant, walked over at this precise moment. "Hi…"

Shikamaru became as normal as ever again. "Hello, Naruto. Why is your face all red?"

A laughing Neji wasn't far from sight, and Naruto was glaring at him with murderous intent.

"Sorry I asked…" Shikamaru quickly added, noting Naruto's I'm-gonna-kill-him-if-you-don't-hold-me-down expression.

Kankuro and Dosu, however, were simply amazed by Shikamaru's about-face. It was rather interesting, simply because he had just gone from angriest man in New York to giggling like a stupid schoolgirl.

Mr. Johansen reeled in everyone's attention, and began to hand out script enhancements for a scene where the French Taunters begin to taunt the Knights of the Round Table. Shikamaru was standing behind Naruto (lucky him) and in front of Penelope Tang (ooh, Kankuro is jealous). Naruto was slightly flustered at the prospect of even more lines to memorize, but Shikamaru was just pleased that Naruto was standing in front of him, jeans sagging to his upper thigh. Shikamaru tried not to stare.

Penelope cocked her head, looking at Shikamaru. She tossed a strand of vibrant blonde hair out of her face, focusing watery gray eyes on the slightly pale – and completely entranced – teenager in front of her. She'd never seen anyone so absorbed in her life.

Okay, that was a lie. She'd only seen one person as absorbed as Shikamaru, and that was Mari when she was reading the end of Cardcaptor Sakura: Master of the Clow (more accurately she was reading the end of it while drowning herself in emotional, happy tears).

"Excuse me," Penelope ventured a say, tapping Shikamaru on the shoulder. Shikamaru turned around.

"Yeah?" Shikamaru answered. He recognized this girl at once as Penelope Tang, Kankuro's crush. He wondered what she wanted with him.

"What are you so focused on?" Penelope asked.

Shikamaru turned completely red; a drop of blood began to plip out of his nose, and – TA-DAH! Super nosebleed, anime style, right on the floor. Penelope raised an eyebrow.

"Um… Should I have not asked…?" Penelope wondered aloud.

"Asked what?" Yoko asked from behind Penelope. Penelope jumped a good seven feet in the air before realizing that it was just Yoko. Mari was hanging on Yoko's arm, as usual.

"Nothing!" Penelope forced a laugh, avoiding the hard stare from Shikamaru, who had managed to put a hold on his nosebleed.

Penelope turned around when Yoko and Mari began to go crazy and yell about a band known as Weezer. Shikamaru was staring at the two of them, clearly jealous or irritated or something along those lines. Penelope raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Are you all right?" Penelope inquired. This guy was completely crazy, it seemed.

"Fine," Shikamaru answered briefly. He was still slightly red.

"You just had a Tenchi-style nosebleed," Penelope reminded him.

Shikamaru looked at Mari and Yoko, who were currently yelling "mosh pit" and slamming into random people and each other. The random people obviously knew of this game and began to do the same.

"What are they doing?" Shikamaru asked.

Penelope opened her mouth to answer when Yoko slammed into her. Penelope fell to the ground, sprawled like a bear rug on the gym floor.

"Are you okay, Penelope?" Yoko half-asked, half-laughed hysterically.

"Mosh pit!" Mari yelled, running into Shikamaru. Shikamaru looked at Mari, a small smirk spreading across his face.

"Mosh pit!" Shikamaru cried, running into Naruto, nearly pulling down his boxers. Naruto turned around.

"What the hell was that for?" Naruto asked, pulling his pants – and his underwear – back up again.

Shikamaru immediately stopped giggling and stood there, his face frozen.

"Don't you know how to mosh pit?" Mari asked Naruto.

"Yeah, but that wasn't the point," Naruto responded. "He almost pulled down my pants."

"That happened to me once," Yoko interjected.

"Twice," Penelope corrected.

"Seven times," Mari changed the number yet again.

"Four of them just now, from running into that Dosu character," Penelope explained.

"Come off it," Mari frowned.

Shikamaru frowned as well before turning to Naruto. "Sorry bout that. It was an accident, I swear…"

Naruto finally grinned before slamming into Kankuro. "Mosh pit!"

Kankuro turned around, saw Penelope, and whipped around so fast that Naruto was almost sure that he never did turn around.

Shikamaru turned around to see Mari hanging on Yoko, yelling "rape". Shikamaru became angry again, and Penelope finally realized why.

"Are you like Mari?" Penelope asked.

Shikamaru lowered his clenched fist. "What'd ya mean, like Mari?"

"I mean are you a bi?" Penelope responded, rolling her eyes.

Shikamaru blushed. "Maybe."

"You are," Penelope smiled evilly. "And you like Mari, and you're jealous of Yoko, and you like the guy in front of you. Of course, Yoko is straighter than a pencil."

"And what about you?" Shikamaru asked with the air of a trashy tabloid writer. "WHO do you like, seeing as you know everything about everyone?"

"I like…" Penelope flushed. "Ah! Maybe I should know your name first."

"Shikamaru Uiolio," Shikamaru answered. "And yours?"

"Penelope Tang," Penelope responded, her face still flushed. "Ah! I can't believe that I like someone!"

"That's really… nice…" Shikamaru noted. "Uh, if it isn't a hindrance, do you mind telling me HOW you know everything about everyone?"

"Oh, I have this weird ability," Penelope replied. "It's like I can read minds. Of course, my family was rumored to be this great shamanic Japanese clan… the Yamanaka or something like that…"

Shikamaru didn't say anything. He knew perfectly well that Yamanaka was Ino's family name. Was it possible that some of them came down to Earth and settled down… and then immigrated across the globe?

"But it's like mind-reading. I can read feelings," Penelope continued. "Isn't that cool? I joined the Fortune-Telling Club here at school, and not one of my fortunes has been wrong yet."

Shikamaru's jaw dropped. That sounded so much like the Art of the Valentine or the Art of the Possession or whatever Ino had decided to call it this week that he nearly passed out. Penelope was the modern American version of Ino without the shuriken.

"Oh… yeah, that's cool," Shikamaru lied. He really found it scary.

"But you wanted to know who I liked," Penelope remembered. "Well, all right, I guess I can tell you…"

Penelope flushed and leaned in close to Shikamaru. "You know that guy up there?"

Shikamaru followed Penelope's finger and gasped. She was pointing at Kankuro, who had just received his script adjustment and was reading it over, trying rather hard not to bust out laughing.

"Kankuro Rinker?" Shikamaru repeated. He was glad that Kankuro's last name was no longer 'of the Sand', simply because that name was so… archaic sounding. Actually, it didn't even sound like a name. It was like the blandest title you could possibly give to someone. Of the Sand. Wow. I feel frightened.

"Yeah," Penelope sighed. "Isn't he sexy?"

Shikamaru remembered what Dosu had said: _All of these normal girls are weird. _And he was right. Most definitely right.

-

Neji and Tenten, lucky them, didn't have to deal with mind-reading descendants of ninja or crazed Earth girls, for they had each other.

And they were rather serious in their relationship, too.

"Neji…" Tenten marveled at the shiny ring slipped around her dainty finger. A small diamond adorned it – the perfect size for the tiny band. "It's beautiful!"

"No," Neji corrected. "YOU are beautiful. And there's something I need to tell you, Tenten…"

Tenten held her breath.

"I intend to marry you."

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 6:23 PM, 2ND MONDAY**

"Sakura!" Jackie called inside the Borders and Noble Bookstore. She couldn't find her adoptive sister in any of the usual sections: medicine, SAT prep, cooking…

There was only one section that Jackie hadn't checked yet: the spirituality and religion section. Jackie shivered. There was nothing wrong with the rows of Bibles or Korans or any of those – rather, the occult books of witchcraft and necromancy were what scared her.

Jackie pressed through the aisle filled with biographies of Dali Lamas and Popes. Sakura wasn't there. The next aisle was filled with various books about old pagan religions, mainly used by college students preparing thesis statements. Sakura was yet to be found.

Jackie rounded the final aisle and exhaled in relief. Sakura was standing there, a pile of books sitting next to her place on the floor. Sakura had her nose buried in a book, eyes alight with interest.

"Sakura," Jackie said. "Sakura, time to go home."

Sakura put down the book and looked at Jackie, smiling. "Oh, okay."

Jackie tried to glimpse the cover of what Sakura was reading, and did. She gasped. It was a book about contacting the dead.

"What is it, Jackie?" Sakura asked.

"That book, Sakura, that book is about…" Jackie stammered before her voice cut off and her face turned away.

Sakura inhaled, worried, before smiling. "I want to be well-versed in everything. This happens to be everything, Jackie…"

Jackie looked up, looking genuinely happy that Sakura wasn't interested in that kind of stuff. "That's great, Sakura. Let's go home. Mom is waiting outside."

Sakura took Jackie's hand playfully. "Okay!"

But the real reason Sakura was reading that book was far different. She really did need to contact the dead, for reasons that Jackie – nor anyone in the ninja community – would ever understand.

**THE LOSS FARM, KANSAS: 11:56 PM, 2ND MONDAY (ALMOST TUESDAY)**

Kiba scowled as he heard what sounded like a dish shatter. It hadn't been the first time he'd heard this. Nancy always decided to do the dishes at ungodly hours in the evening, because that's when she usually remembered to do them.

Kiba sat up, preparing to go yell at Nancy, as he or Zaku were usually reduced to doing. As he walked down the hall, he heard a small, petrified scream coming from Temari's room. Kiba, not realizing what he was doing, ran into her room, slamming the door open.

Temari was being pinned to the wall, her nightgown (the one with the giant hourglass on it) almost falling off her shoulders, and the person about to hurt her was Darien.

Kiba tensed, and punched Darien. Temari fell to the ground. Darien grabbed his now half-broken nose, dropping a previously out of sight knife. Kiba staggered backward a step, shocked at the scene he had just glimpsed. Temari looked up, her eyes filled with pain and worry. Darien grit his teeth and uttered an unprintable obscenity.

"What is going on?" Kiba asked very unhurriedly, his rage slowly building up in his mind. And he didn't love Temari as he loved Ino. He just found her to be a friend…

Darien murmured a string of slurs that were just that – slurred.

"I asked a question…" Kiba's voice was growing rapidly faster and his face more contorted with ire.

"You crazy son of a…" Darien whimpered, catching blood as it leaked out of his nose. It was definitely broken.

Kiba had heard enough, and frankly, no one else needed to hear it, so he grabbed Temari by the arm and dragged her into his own room.

-

"You've saved my life twice now," Temari sighed graciously to Kiba. "I can't thank you enough, Kiba."

Kiba shrugged. "I thought it was Nancy doing dishes. If I hadn't heard you scream, I would have never gotten to you."

Temari smiled, despite all that had happened. "Kiba… I…"

Temari heard a clunking noise. She turned to see Kiba setting up a futon couch bed, presumably for her, next to Akamaru's dog bed. Temari cocked her head, trying not to blush, when Kiba looked up. Noting her confusion, he said, "For me."

"For you…?" Temari reiterated.

"You're sleeping on the bed," Kiba insisted. "And you are NOT going back into your room."

"All right, Kiba-kun…"

Temari covered her mouth haphazardly. Kiba looked up. Not many people had addressed him with –kun before, and one of them (Hinata) was practically his sister. (In fact, Hinata had called him nii-san before once, before departing to America.)

Kiba smiled. "Don't worry. Nothing will happen while I'm here…"

Temari choked back a tear. "I thought we were okay here…"

Kiba frowned, his normal composure dropping. The blankets he had laid on the futon looked limp with no body underneath them. Temari had almost been badly hurt – she might have even been killed – and, as she had said, he'd come to his rescue again. Something in the back of Kiba's mind finally woke up, and Kiba sat down on the floor beside Temari.

"Sleep well, Temari-chan," Kiba told her before kissing her cheek and diving into the futon bed.

Temari rubbed her cheek, letting her jaw drop uneasily and her face flush red. She peered out of a crack in the door, just in time to see Darien silently creep back into his room the way he had crept into her own, and ran to the side of the bed, both frightened and delighted at the same time.

"Will you go to sleep?" Kiba asked in his normal harsh tone.

"Are you sure…?"

"Yes, you will be fine," Kiba responded in a dozed-off voice. "Akamaru accidentally attacked Choji yesterday when he came in to borrow a bar of soap. He won't let Darien in, I promise."

"That wasn't what I meant."

Kiba pulled his head out of the pillow. "You aren't impeding on me. This isn't a big deal. If you go back to your room, it will become a huge deal. Just go to bed."

"One thing before I go to sleep," Temari promised.

"Oh? What's that?"

Temari jumped in front of Kiba, kissed his lips quietly, and jumped into bed. Kiba furrowed his brow, touched his hands to his lips gently (as Temari had done to her cheek), and smiled in a strange manner.

Maybe he wasn't in love with Ino after all.

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 2:25 PM, 2ND TUESDAY**

"So you are trying out for Christine," Asher sighed. "Thank God."

"I'm not doing this for you," Koku snapped at him. "I'm doing this for… him…"

"Oh yes," Asher replied. "Your adopted brother – no blood relation – who is in love with Jackie Waterford's adopted sister – again, no blood relation – who, as evidenced by your shouting match with her, is, in fact, in love with your brother but doesn't want to ruin her reputation by going out with him."

"Thanks much for the recap, but, Asher…" Koku looked around. "Why are you explaining this to an empty room? WE SHOWED UP EARLY, REMEMBER? WE'RE THE ONLY ONES HERE. Who are you explaining this to? Some nonexistent audience?"

Asher smiled. "Koku, you are brilliant. As you always have been."

The door slammed open. The demonic Gaara, the effervescent Lin, the mysterious Shino, the musical genius Liam, his older brother and other musical genius Jerard, the quiet (and designated eye-candy) Sasuke, and hyperactive red-head Sarah all trailed into the room. They were all chatting animatedly, and eventually rounded over to where Koku and Asher were leaning against the brick wall of the school MPR.

"Ooh, Koku and Asher, sitting in a tree!" Sarah cooed. Koku knew she was just kidding, but Asher barely knew Sarah and attempted to set her straight.

"We are NOT TOGETHER," Asher pointed out in a very pointed manner. "We're just FRIENDS. Hear that, red-headed twerp?"

"Oh please, Asher," Lin muttered. "She's just… kidding…"

Lin caught sight of Gaara and began to trail after him. Koku smiled. Lin was so in love with Gaara. They would look so cute together, but Gaara preferred being left to his own devices. And Lin had recently begun rattling off about her crush on the handsome substitute teacher Mr. Subato…

Jerard was busy looking at all the changes made to his old junior high school.

"Where's the banner for the Rock and Roll Dance?" Jerard asked frantically. "What happened to the Emmanuelle team? I was on that team in seventh grade! Oh, they got an organ for Phantom, did they?"

Liam sighed. "You paid for it, remember, Jerard?"

"Oh yeah…" Jerard smiled, as if the payment was a warm summer memory filled with Winx Club and suction-cup shoes. "Well, you guys are gonna put on a great show, I know it…"

"Jerard, YOU'RE playing the organ, remember?" Liam reminded his hapless brother.

"Oh yes…"

Jerard turned around to see Shino talking to Asher and Koku talking to Sasuke. Jerard wandered off to talk to Sasuke when the Bling Blings entered. Orohime came in first, so she wouldn't be seen talking to her 'employer', followed by Jackie and Sakura. The door closed only to be pushed open again by Rock Lee, Hina Morrow (also known as Hyuuga Hinata), and Seto Kaiba.

Gaara took one look at Kaiba and scowled. "You're in the wrong story."

"I know, but I can sense that Yuugi is here -!"  
Gaara punched him, grabbed the Grim Reaper's scythe from out of nowhere, and pushed Kaiba into a portal created by the scythe. Lin clapped enthusiastically.

Mr. Subato walked by. Lin turned away from Gaara immediately and walked up to him, talking about the homework assignment he had given in the Science class she was in.

Gaara noticed Lin's absence and looked at the teacher. He looked slightly familiar to Gaara…

The drama teacher, Miss Dorian, stomped in with a couple dozen kids, placing scripts onto a desk set up in the middle of the room and smiling. Her wispy black hair blew in the air conditioner wind, and her thin frame looked perfect paired with her slightly loose pink blouse and tye-dyed brown skirt. Her green eyes scanned the audition sheet.

"All right, auditions are starting now!" she yelled in a clear, velvety voice. Everyone came to attention, and Lin walked back to Gaara's side, smiling widely and turning pink.

"The order of auditions is on the wall, with minor roles going first and the major roles going last, and everyone in between is… um… in the middle… uh… Anyway!" Miss Dorian got back on track. "With us today is the leader of the orchestra and maestro for the musical, Liam Hyman" (scattered applause followed here, as everyone in the room was scattered around) "and the leader of the woodwind section and ocarina player, Shino Tchiakowski" (more scattered applause) "and our organist, former student Jerard Hyman…"

Miss Dorian braced herself for the screams. And they came. Orohime and Rock Lee looked slightly confused, but everyone else knew Jerard by name. And there was a lot of screaming. Jackie, in particular, seemed to be in love with Jerard.

Jerard gave one of those feeble laughs before sitting down at the organ and warming the instrument up. He really was a musical genius.

"All right, take a look at the list on the wall, and know what your audition number is!"

First was Jerard, trying out for the guy drinking wine behind the elephant in 'Hannibal' (for no reason except that the organ wouldn't be needed for about fifteen minutes afterward). Sasuke was drawing curtains, as noted on the top of the page, and Gaara was in charge of the prop room (which hadn't been organized in about a year, when Hello Dolly had been put on). Sakura, Koku, and Jackie were all trying out for Christine, Sarah was trying out for Carlotta, and it seemed that Hina had already tried out, for her name was listed and next to it were the words 'already tried out'. Hina had, in fact, pulled up a chair and was going to watch rehearsals. Asher was the only one trying out for Raoul, Rock Lee had decided that he would try out for both Monsieurs Andre and Fermin and see what happened, Orohime was trying out for Meg Giry, and Nicole had decided to try out for Madame Giry. Many other names were on there as well. All in all, seventeen girls wanted to be Christine, four boys were trying out for the Phantom, one boy for Raoul, two girls for Meg, one girl for Madame Giry, six girls for Carlotta, and the list went on and on…

Koku was next to Sakura, who was next to Jackie. Koku shot Sakura a withering glance.

"So, is this your plot to get him in your clutches?" Koku asked in a harsh voice quite uncharacteristic of her.

"I should ask the same of you," Sakura snapped angrily.

"Why do you want him? You've rejected him before," Koku noted.

"I have not."

"But I watched you do it."

"I know that he likes me, and all I have to do is ask him out."

"Okay. Ask him out – in front of me."

"Of course. He likes me. I know he does."

Koku looked down at the ground. Sakura did have a point. She had seen Rock Lee ask her out… but if she liked him as much as she said she did, WHY would she deny him? Maybe it was part of her campaign to be the most glamorous girl in school. There was probably some Bling Bling rule stating that The Band Members and the Bling Blings were not to interact on friendly terms or something. So why did all the Bling Blings like Sasuke except for Sakura?

Number one got on stage: Jerard Hyman. His audition went well. I mean, all he had to do was drink wine, and, being of age, this was no problem. Jerard was now official organist and guy drinking wine behind elephant.

Number two… number seven… everything was going by rather blurrily for Koku. She remembered when her friends would go up (like when Nicole did a dead-on impersonation of Madame Giry, or when Rock Lee managed to have a very interesting conversation with himself while trying out for both Monsieurs), but numbers flew by like minutes on a summertime day.

By the time number fifty-three was reached (Koku's number and the beginning of the Christine tryouts), Koku was exhausted, but she would do her best, as always.

"Number fifty-three…" Miss Dorian droned. She was tired, and that was very obvious. She needed to be woken up.

Koku grabbed the microphone and took one deep breath.

_"Think of me… think of me fondly when we've said good-bye…"_

Koku's free-spirited, spot-on singing was amazing. Rock Lee turned around on the spot, thinking that the music was coming from the mouth of Sakura. He was shocked to see Koku standing up there, singing like a much less nasal Sarah Brightman, and a more emotional Emmy Rossum.

Jerard turned to Sasuke. "Wasn't she that girl from the dinner party?"

"Yeah," Sasuke answered, turning away from Koku long enough to answer Jerard's question. Sakura frowned, for Koku was amazing – more amazing than she would be. Koku had won Sasuke, Sakura reasoned.

Orohime scowled. Why couldn't she have tried out for some menial part like she did for the last musical?

Lee was transfixed. Never had he heard such beautiful music… he turned to Sakura. He felt nothing tugging at his heartstrings anymore. He turned back to Koku. There was no tugging. There was full-bodied yanking. He was falling in love all over again… but there was no way that Koku liked him. She was always with Asher, and the two of them looked so good together anyway. Lee sulked, even though he had no proof that Asher and Koku were together.

And Lee lived with Koku. What if he was to tell her he liked her?

(As you may have noticed, Lee has become WAY too analytical when it comes to love… after being rejected by Sakura so many times, he decided impulsive wasn't a good way to go in love. But impulsive was okay for everything else. Really.)

_"Recall those days, look back on all those times…"_

Jackie bit her lip so furiously that blood began to trickle out of her lip. "Why? Why must she ruin MY future on Broadway?"

The only person there not reeling was Hina.

"This is fine for me," Hina reasoned. "Perfectly fine."

**KONOHAGAKURE: 6:56 AM, 2nd MONDAY MORNING**

Konohamaru sighed. He was such an idiot. In his quest to go find someone to tell about Kabuto and his Art of the Forget-Me-Not, he slammed into none other than Itachi. He managed a scream before he was whisked away to his current position (after sitting in limbo for a few days)…

Some city in California known as Dimmsdale. Konohamaru narrowed his eyes in anger.

"This… is… crap," Konohamaru muttered in a very angered tone. He looked like a weird elementary school kid who was really some form of weird alien or something.

At least he still had the ability to use some of his ninja skills. Unfortunately, being six years old, he had very few ninja skills at his disposal.

He recalled what Kabuto had said to whisk him away to this world.

"Art of the Spirit Travel!" Konohamaru cried, hands resting in the position of the Tiger. A girl with black hair, a purple turtleneck, and a white skirt stared at him like he was insane. Konohamaru sighed.

"Well… I guess all I can do is try to be normal…"

Little did Konohamaru know that in this town, there was hardly any normalcy at all, even at the school that Konohamaru had thought would be semi-normal. No, for there was an even greater threat lurking in the shadows in a non-descript black van with a satellite dish balanced on top…

**End Episode Seven**

A/N: Sorry it took so long. I'm actually on episode nine, but I've been terribly busy… oro… well, I have NO IDEA when this story will actually end, okay? So just bear with me, I swear I'll get it done… somehow…

PAIRING ALERT! Yes, I return with PAIRINGS! I think… hold on…

New pairings are as follows:

Penelope/Kakuro (the pairing is no longer one-sided)

Super Serious Neji/Tenten!

Kiba/Temari (now a couple)

(Since only Lil-Riter seemed to have completely gotten this) Kabuto/Lin (forced by ninja art)

Jackie/Jerard (one-sided; fangirl crush)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto or any other random arbitrary references inserted within, GOT IT! GOOD! (goes psychotic before returning to normal) Heheheh…

**Preview of Episode Eight**

As luck would have it, someone DID hear Konohamaru's scream. That someone was Master Iruka. As Iruka and the only person that believes him, Kakashi, go after Itachi and Kabuto, Konohamaru realizes that the place he landed in – Dimmsdale - is completely whacked. Seto Kaiba just fell into the town from a portal opened by the Grim Reaper's scythe, Konohamaru's psycho teacher Mr. Crocker thinks it's the work of something called a "fairy", and boys wear silly pink hats! THINGS LIKE THAT AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! IT'S JUST WRONG! Konohamaru, therefore, devotes all of his time into trying to get AWAY from Dimmsdale and back home to warn the other ninjas of Itachi's plot…

In New York, Shikamaru is having trouble coming to grips with the fact that he likes Mari a bit more than Naruto… and, since Shikamaru is so wishy-washy, this is causing radical mood swings. Shikamaru's "mother", a spastic yet cutesy woman known by the name of Conditioner, thinks this may be because the shows he's watching on TV – namely Family Guy and Desperate Housewives – are disturbing him. So Shikamaru is relegated to a network known as Kick-tunes… but that still doesn't explain why he's so melancholy about Mari. And what about Penn and Naruto? After a conspicuous absence, Penn returns from a vacation to San Francisco, preparing to whoop Naruto in the latest Algebra 8 exam…

Meanwhile, in Sacramento, it comes as no surprise that Koku is playing Christine and Asher is her Raoul. However, the choice for the Phantom is nothing less than absurd to quite a few people, and it seems that Orohime has become Carlotta… and Jackie is her lady-in-waiting! Even though Sakura has the relatively good part of Monsieur Andre (changed to a mademoiselle for this performance), the three of them are beginning to formulate a plan against Koku and are preparing Sakura to ask out Sasuke!

On the Loss Farm, Darien is found to have inherited a trait from his deadbeat parents – obsession. And he's not just obsessed with farmwork or erasers or something normal – he's completely in love with Temari! Temari now has Kiba, so that's going for her, but it seems like the only way to make things better will be to face Darien… that's the last thing she wants to do…

Next time: Episode Nine! Insanity, Obsessive Lovers, Mistaken Identities, and… Conditioner? Konoha Ninjas' Downhill Slide!

Konohamaru: See? I'm actually important!

Naruto: Augh! Not Penn!

Koku/Sakura/Shikamaru: DOES HE NOT READ THE NEXT EPISODE PREVIEWS? (all three faint in love-related angst)

Kakashi: Ah, I have returned.

Choji: Wrap it up, y'all!

Quagmire: Aw right. Giggidy giggidy giggidy.

Asher: (steps backward in fear) What – who - do you want?


	8. Episode Eight with an all new plot twist

**Coming to America! Episode Eight**

**Insanity, Obsessive Lovers, Mistaken Identities, and… Conditioner? Konoha Ninjas' Downhill Slide!**

**KONOHAGAKURE: 9:24 AM, 2ND SUNDAY MORNING**

"Revered Hokage!" Iruka begged. "You have to believe me! Konohamaru has been kidnapped by Itachi!"

The Hokage snorted. "You are mistaken. I saw him this morning chasing the butterflies. You worry too much, Iruka."

Iruka's face contorted. He saw Konohamaru being kidnapped on Tuesday, and no matter how many times he told the Hokage that Konohamaru had disappeared, the Hokage didn't seem to know.

"He's being disillusioned," Iruka whispered to himself the first few days. But now it was getting ridiculous. He knew that Konohamaru, the little hellion that could easily be Naruto's successor in the irritating but loveable throne, wouldn't miss a minute of school, like Naruto (even though it was obvious that Konohamaru and Naruto would liked to have been anywhere else). But he seemed to be the only one who noticed Konohamaru's absence.

Iruka trudged out of the Hokage's relaxation room (the one with his crystal ball thing) and walked into Konohagakure's dirt street. He looked to the sky.

"Where are you, Konohamaru…?" Iruka wondered aloud.

"He's in an entirely different dimension."

Iruka whirled around. Standing indifferently to the tide of the Konoha crowds was Kakashi, reading Make Out Paradise with a grave look on his face.

"What?" Iruka replied.

"You always did have a way with words, Umuino," Kakashi said in a kiddish fashion.

"This isn't time for jokes," Iruka spat. "So you've noticed it, too?"

"It was the first time I'd ever seen Anko not blame the entire situation on Orochimaru," Kakashi answered.

"A first indeed." Iruka looked up to the sky again. "How far away is he, then?"

"Itachi sent him quite a ways…" Kakashi's face frowned. "Apparently in the dimension he's in, people are drawn with… with… giant googly eyes!"

"What!" Iruka screamed. Mrs. Haruno – Sakura's mother - glared at Iruka as she passed by.

Iruka blushed. "Damn she's pretty."

"And she's married. Come on, let's go find Ibiki. Maybe he'll know what to do…"

"You didn't have to shoot me down so quickly," Iruka complained.

Kakashi put his book into his ninja pouch. "Oh come on Iruka. Last week it was Mrs. Yamanaka, the week before it was the Legendary Sucker Tsunade."

"What's not to like about her?"

"You just like the fact that she has huge breasts."

"…Let's just go."

"Yeah."

Kakashi and Iruka were an odd pair. Kakashi was withdrawn and powerful, stealthy in ways. Iruka was sometimes called pompous, for he was very tiered to the rules of the ninja and usually didn't take the time for all-out idiots (like that kid… Inuzuka Kiba… worst student ever in Iruka's opinion). However, Kakashi learned some humility for the standard ninja protocol from Iruka, and Iruka picked up his… well… fondness for women. Yeah.

Anyway, the two of them strolled down to the best ramen place in Konoha for a bowl or two, and to discuss how to get Konohamaru back home.

**DIMMSDALE, CALIFORNIA: 7:31 AM, 2ND MONDAY**

Konohamaru bit his lip. He wanted to scream.

Why couldn't he have been sent to Kirigakure, or Nami no Kuni… or somewhere on his wall map of the ninja world? What was this 'California', anyway? Was that a ninja country? Was it even a country?

Konohamaru was drawing strange stares from kids passing. Konohamaru narrowed his eyes, adjusting his weird helmet thing. No one would have glanced twice at his helmet in Konoha.

Konohamaru reentered the realm of the despairing. Konoha was so far away now, and there was no way for Konohamaru to return… Konohamaru trudged over to the giant concrete building labeled "School" (whatever THAT meant), glumly walking over to the stone steps leading up to the blue double doors of the place.

But someone ran into him. Konohamaru fell to the ground, as did the stranger. Konohamaru sat up to see a brunette boy with a silly pink hat over his head. The kid had dropped a notebook with two drawings of winged creatures that looked remarkably like humans on them, his lunch, and an atlas.

The kid sat up, rubbing his blue eyes. "Sorry about that," he apologized. "The bell's going to ring any minute – why aren't you in class?"

"Class?" Konohamaru echoed dully.

"Oh, you must be the foreign exchange student!" a voice from above the two chirped.

The voice belonged to a redhead with a beehive hairdo and a blue suit top worn above a navy blue skirt. Konohamaru was more confused than before.

"Foreign… what…?" Konohamaru petered out half-heartedly.

"Oh, you must be so confused!" the lady cooed.

Konohamaru nodded blearily. The pink-hatted kid snuck through the doorway, so as not to be late to this 'class' thing he had been talking about.

"You must be Konohamaru!" the lady said. "We thought you'd be here a few days ago, but it's no big deal! Yay!"

"Who… are… you…?" Konohamaru managed to splutter out, shocked and really quite scared.

"Oh!" the lady gasped. "I forgot to introduce myself! I am Principal Waxelplax! And you're a fourth-grader, right?"

"Uh… sure…" Konohamaru answered. In truth, he had no idea what a fourth-grader was.

"Good!" Principal Waxelplax said. "That means Timmy can show you around and help you out and all that stuff!"

"Who's Timmy…?" Konohamaru began to ask, but Principal Waxelplax had already walked away. The pink-hatted kid walked over to Konohamaru.

"Hi," the kid greeted. Konohamaru looked him over. He appeared to have a very bad case of overbite. His buckteeth were so bad that he could have passed as a superhero named Captain Overbite. "I'm Timmy Turner."

Timmy Turner…? Who came up with these names?

"What's your name?" Timmy asked. Konohamaru frowned.

"Konohamaru," he grunted. Konohamaru just wanted to go HOME.

"That's a long name," Timmy complained. "Can I call you Kono?"

"What?" Konohamaru cried out in alarm.

"No… I shall call you Maru!" Timmy yelled. "Like the last four letters of your name, 'k?"

"What…?" Konohamaru (or, as he will now be known, Maru) protested weakly.

A long bell began to ring, and Timmy froze. "Maru, we have to get to class!"

"What…"

Timmy grabbed Maru's arm and yanked him into the school, past rows of lockers, through a turn, and into the door of a certain Denzel Q. Crocker.

Timmy ran through the door, panting. A bespectacled male with black hair and a completely inhuman frown on his face glared at the pink-hatted kid before looking to Maru. Maru now realized how out of place his clothing really was. (Who wears helmets indoors?)

"Ah, Turner," the teacher grimaced. Maru could feel the suspicion and anger oozing through every pore of this guy's body. "Who are you dragging into your demented reality today?"

"Speak for yourself," Timmy whispered before saying louder, "this is Maru, the new exchange student."

Konohamaru cocked an eyebrow. The teacher was a bit… threatening.

"Oh, we have a new exchange student, do we?" the teacher half-asked, half-stated with frantic glee. Maru took a step backward.

"Uh… yeah…" Maru answered timidly. "My name is Konohamaru… but my nickname is Maru… and I like to color and practice my ninja skills."

The entire class looked at him before erupting into laughter.

"What?" Maru wondered, his eyes widening and his mouth contorting into some strange disbelieving shape.

The teacher sighed. "This is what tenure gets me… Okay, Maru, take a seat in the front behind Turner."

Timmy had already sat down and was whispering to his notebook.

"Guys," Timmy whispered in a low voice. "That big math test is today, and I'm DEAD!"

A voice whispered back. Maru bit his tongue and looked around. A black haired girl wearing a purple turtleneck and a white skirt glared at him in a most peculiar fashion. A blonde kid with even worse teeth than Timmy – and braces – was busy fashioning a paper airplane. A bald black kid was writing down complex mathematical theorem on a sheet of lined paper.

The teacher stood up.

"That's Mr. Crocker," a voice told Maru. Maru jumped a good three feet in the air before turning around. A boy with black hair, red eyes, and a green trucker hat was talking to him. "He's insane, dude."

"And who are you?" Maru asked in the kindest, least confused sounding way possible.

"My name is Mark!" Mark yelled. "Good to meet ya, man!"

Mr. Crocker rapped on his desk with a ruler. "Mark, any time you want to come back to the lecture."

Mark slumped back into his chair.

"Now," Mr. Crocker began, writing a math problem on the board. "The state says that you should know how to solve 2x – 4 6. But I know something that the state DOESN'T want you to know… the existence of FAIRY GOD-PARENTS!" Mr. Crocker seemed to have a spaz attack while saying those three syllables. Maru reasoned him to be slightly insane.

"And who cares about math when you have FAIRIES, anyway?" Mr. Crocker pondered. "You could use those fairies to make the answers anything you wanted, or to just ace the state tests… of course, you could also enslave the entire human race and make world leaders your pawns!"

Maru's jaw dropped even farther. This man was off the deep end.

_Iruka-sensei, where ARE you?_

Just then, the wall began to turn purple and an inter-dimensional portal opened up in the wall. Seto Kaiba fell out of the portal, complete with his sexy trenchcoat and his deck of Duel Monster cards.

"Where is Yuugi?" he asked.

Maru slammed his head into his desk.

_HELP….!_

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 1:01 PM, 2ND THURSDAY**

"Only four more minutes until they post up the cast!" Sakura cried out happily. Orohime frowned.

"You know that Koku is going to end up as Christine," Orohime stated rather bluntly. "This is going to throw a real wrench in my plans. Sakura, do you wanna sleep over at my place tonight? Family Guy'll be on."

"Are you obsessed with that show?" Jackie asked in a candid fashion. The three of them were standing outside the multi-purpose room door, waiting for the cast to be posted by Miss Dorian. Asher was leaning by the door, listening to Lin rant on and on and on about nothing; Koku was trying to help Liam with a chord transition in 'Music of the Night'; Rock Lee was attempting to start a conversation with Shino, to no avail; and Sasuke was standing under the railing, doing nothing.

"No," Orohime answered unconvincingly. "Did you see the episode when Brian went -?"

"Shut up," Jackie interrupted her. "There she is."

Miss Dorian was walking to the multi-purpose room door with her cast list, walking with almost painful deliberation. Jackie and Sakura held their breath. Orohime adjusted her glasses. Lin stopped rambling. Koku and Liam stopped working on their music. Shino and Rock Lee looked over. Sasuke glanced upward slightly.

Miss Dorian extracted a strip of tape from her pocket and taped the cast list to the door and left. Five seconds after she began to walk, everyone (save Liam, Shino, and Sasuke) crowded around the list.

"Christine, Koku Reeves," Sakura read, a pang of sadness lodging in her chest. Jackie's head sunk to her chest. Orohime kept reading.

"Raoul, Asher Curtis…" she announced, frowning. "The Phantom… Hina Morrow! Who's THAT!"

Sasuke jumped up. "Hina? She's the Phantom?"

"Oh, cool," Asher shrugged. "She seemed so shy when I met her. Now she can be… you know… un-shy."

"Very well stated, Asher," Koku replied, clapping slowly and deliberately. Asher frowned.

"Congratulations, Koku, you've gotten on my last nerve," Asher smirked evilly. Koku smiled even more wickedly than Asher.

"Like I care."

Orohime was still reading off the cast members. "La Carlotta, Orohime Astronominov… hey, cool, that's me… Monsieur Andre (Mademoiselle), Sakura Waterford… Monsieur Fermin, Rock Lee… Carlotta's lady-in-waiting, Jackie Waterford… Madame Giry, Nicole Sanchez… Meg Giry, Lin Sook-an…"

Jackie and Sakura sighed. "Menial parts…"

Sakura glared at Koku, who was talking to Sasuke and Liam. "She thinks SHE'S so great, with her weird sense of style and her singing and her good looks. Well, I bet that SHE doesn't have the balls to ask out Sasuke!"

"She wouldn't have balls anyway," Orohime noted. "Koku is a girl."  
Sakura rolled her eyes. "Okay, yeah, I get your point. But tomorrow, I will proceed to ask out Sasuke and win his heart! Beat that, Koku Reeves!"

Jackie threw her fist up in the air. "Yeah! You go girl!"

Meanwhile, Asher and Koku were talking.

"Would now be a good time to ask him out?" Koku wondered. Asher cocked an eyebrow.

"Who?" Asher responded, a little too elated with his good fortune. He didn't have to kiss Jackie! Yay!

"Rock Lee!" Koku sighed, her face turning red. "I mean, come on! This would be the perfect time, wouldn't it? I could go up to him, congratulate him, and then ask him on a date! But…"  
"But what?" Asher frowned, almost afraid of the forthcoming answer.

"I'm scared!" Koku cried, grabbing Asher's arm tightly. "I'm really scared!"

"Oh come on," Asher spat, loosening Koku from his arm. She looked up, her eyes glistening oddly and her upper lip forming a pout.

"Oh God, not that…" Asher begged. Koku began to pout – something that looked very cute to the uninitiated. To Asher, it meant that he would probably have to buy Koku some Bottle Caps or a Sprite or something to calm her down.

"But I love him," Koku began. "I love him, and I don't want him with that tramp Sakura! He is the perfect guy for me, but he's so enamored with that wench that I can't help but cry, cry at my own feeble-hearted attempts to get his attention, and ultimately his love! I want to be his and his alone, but he wouldn't take me, not if I was the only person left on this -!"  
Lin jumped on Koku's shoulders. "Hi Koku! I'm Meg Giry! Isn't that COOL! I get to SING next to YOU! I can't believe it! I must be the LUCKIEST person in the world!"

"Hi Lin," Koku smiled feebly. Asher sighed. Thank God Lin had showed up when she did. Otherwise Koku's rant would have gone on for hours on end.

"You know what else?" Lin grinned widely. "That new transfer kid with the red hair, Gaara Liese, is the PROP MASTER! I get to be in a PLAY with GAARA as the PROP MASTER!"

"Isn't it supposed to be prop manager?" Asher asked. Big mistake.

"NO!" Lin cried out. "Gaara is the master of all! He's cold and collected and super-hot! NOBODY is getting MY…" Lin turned around and flushed. "Oh, hi, Mr. Subato!"

Koku sweat-dropped. "So… Lin… what's with you and Mr. Subato?"

Lin turned around and became very red. "N-n-nothing! Nothing at all! Hah ha!"

"You know that's illegal, don't you?" Asher noted with a giant grin. "Like that teacher and her student. She gets pregnant and ends up in jail."

"I don't like him l-like that!" Lin stammered, frustrated.

"You're cute when you're angry."

Lin squinted her eyes closed. "That's not funny, Asher!"

"That wasn't me, Lin," Asher said truthfully. "That was Gaara."

Lin looked up to see Gaara standing in their little circle. Koku and Asher's eyes darted from Lin to Gaara very frantically, trying to make something out of this rather… _intriguing…_ turn of events.

"Hey, d'ya think Gaara likes Lin?" Koku whispered in Asher's ear (which was no mean feat, seeing as he was about six foot two and she was five foot one-half).

"Dunno," Asher shrugged. "He never gives off any clues. He's not like Nora Debussi."

"That story was awesome. But for Nora's crush to be THAT oblivious still shocks me," Koku sighed. "Anyway…" Koku and Asher looked up. "Where did those two go?"

They went behind a pole. (No they didn't do anything. You sick perverts. Go back to watching Will and Grace and reading Emmanuelle or whatever else it is that perverts do.) Gaara glanced around before turning to Lin again.

"What are you doing?" Lin asked coldly. She knew the stories. Guy takes girl behind pole, girl screams, and no one thinks anything of it because everyone screams at school.

"Listen," Gaara spat quickly. "There's something wrong with Mr. Subato."

"Okay, skeletons in closet, gotcha," Lin replied. "Don't we all, though?"

"You miss my point," Gaara sighed. "I mean something REALLY wrong. He's not even of this Earth."

"Huh?" Lin replied. Gaara shook his head. Lin wouldn't believe the truth, even though she was a hopeless yaoi-story addict and a compulsive anime watcher. And an Arrested Development fan.

(Short note: SAVE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT!)

"You have to believe me," Gaara pressed. "Don't you find it odd that, out of nowhere, you're suddenly in love with him? And you talk to him like an old friend about ALL OF THE NEW TRANSFER STUDENTS?" (Gaara put extra emphasis on that.) "Lin, I thought you were smarter than that!"

"He's a Wicca follower?" Lin tried to comprehend. She really did. But it didn't quite work. She was left with little understanding.

"No," Gaara said, defeated. He couldn't get through to her. "Never mind."

Gaara tromped off, going back to his usual hangout of the third hallway. Lin stood behind the pole, worried.

_What on earth is he talking about? _Lin wondered. _Although it was kind of odd that I fell for Mr. Subato so suddenly, and that I talk to him about the transfer students and no one else… Gaara's insane!_

A pang of sadness lodged into Lin's chest. _What if he was really trying to tell me something?_

_Oh, now he'll never like me!  
_A tear rolled down her cheek precariously. Lin began to cry softly, realizing that she may have just ruined one of the best things of her eighth grade life.

**KONOHAGAKURE: 1:11 PM, 2ND THURSDAY**

The ball of energy formed by the Art of the Forget-Me-Not shattered. Its pieces scattered all over the floor, onto the papers with various Konoha youths pictured on them. Kabuto looked up in shock. No miserable human could break the orb formed by the Art of the Forget-Me-Not unless its user shattered the orb (which Kabuto didn't do) or…

Kabuto inhaled. Lin HAD mentioned Gaara of the Sand often in her daily (useless) prattling.

"Itachi!" Kabuto yelled. Itachi winced.

"Idiot!" Itachi bellowed. "I'm only five feet away from you! Talk like a normal human being, you dork!"

"My apologies," Kabuto said in a normal voice. "Anyway. The Sook-an girl broke the Art of the Forget-Me-Not's energy ball!"

Itachi blinked. "But that's not possible!"

"But she did," Kabuto told him. He looked at the fading pink pieces of light. The pieces represented Lin's consciousness, and the more pieces there were, the more information Kabuto had drained from her. There weren't very many shards.

"She must have realized who her true love is," Itachi frowned. His eyes narrowed. "But she's just a stupid eighth grader!"

"Who the hell…?" Kabuto mused before his blank face became one of sheer irritation. "Gaara. That rat bastard…"

"He is perceptive to everything," Itachi remembered. "He'd recognize a ninja art in an instant. We underestimated the transfer students. Now, for your punishment…"

Kabuto rolled his eyes. Not ANOTHER oddly conceived punishment.

"…you must cut down the tallest tree in Konoha… wiiiith… a herring!" Itachi held up a herring.

Kabuto recoiled. "You've got to be kidding! Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!"

"Says you!" Itachi yelled, throwing the herring at Kabuto. It hit him square in the forehead. "Now go!"

Kabuto exhaled impatiently as he left. Itachi smiled.

"That worked better than I would have thought, actually…" Itachi's grin grew wider. "Gaara surely told Sasuke about Kabuto's discrepancy. So if Sasuke knows, he'll come looking for Kabuto… and me… and then I'll finally be able to kill him…"

Itachi beamed. He had salvaged something from the original plan. Now all he needed was to either kill Gaara or find Sasuke's love and use either one of them as bait. The plan was perfect.

**THE LOSS FARM, KANSAS: 3:52 PM, 2ND TUESDAY**

"Why are y'all so der-pressed?" Nancy asked Kiba and Temari.

Temari really didn't want to talk to Nancy right now. Actually, she never liked talking to Nancy. It was just so irritating listening to her never-ending drawl and her ceaseless chatter. Temari was glad Kiba was beside her though. The log she was perched on was a lot friendlier when the guy you liked was there.

"Your brother," Kiba answered. As if on cue, Darien turned from his wheat thresher and began to stare at Temari.

"My brother?" Nancy asked, confused. "What's wrong with my brother?"

"He likes Temari," Kiba tried to explain. It was a rather touchy subject with both Kiba and Temari for good reason.

"So?" Nancy countered. "Darien likes lots of gals."

"No, you don't get it," Temari frowned. "He's OBSESSED with me. He's… stalking me… I think."

"Oh," Nancy paused. "My parents used to do that. Be obsessive, ya know."

"Huh?" Kiba and Temari asked. It would have been nice to know that earlier.

"Yeah, my ma loved the Rocky Horror Pictcha Show," Nancy shrugged. "Was downright obsessed wit it."

"How obsessive?" Kiba asked desperately.

"Really obsessed," Nancy smiled. "So what does that hafta do wit my brother?"

Temari frowned. "He's stalking me, Nancy. That's not good. Especially because I have a boyfriend."

"Choji?" Nancy asked.

"Me," Kiba rolled his eyes. Temari was only being 110 obvious.

"Oh! Well then, I'll just tell him to give up."

Nancy walked away, towards her brother. There was a short silence between Kiba and Temari.

"This is gonna be good," Kiba finally said, leaning back. Temari laughed. Her conscious was right. Love was strong.

Really strong.

-

Kin and Zaku were milking cows. How Grandma Luigi could have so many dairy cows, Kin didn't quite know. But Kin liked the fact that Zaku was milking cows with her. Neither of them seemed to enjoy the task, however.

"This is disgusting," Kin complained. "Grandma Luigi hates me, I know it."  
"She must hate me as well," Zaku shrugged. "Although I don't know what I did… I get the feeling that she has split personalities, you know?"

"Maybe," Kin answered. "Because she seems to adore Ino today, even though she hated her yesterday."

"Maybe her medicine ran out," Zaku offered.

"Maybe she put us together for a reason," Kin blurted before she could stop the words from coming out of her mouth. She looked down immediately, staring at her work boots.

"What?" Zaku asked. Kin turned bright red.

"I… Sorry," Kin smiled slightly. "I… you know, that old crone is insane. Maybe she thinks we'd… you know… look good together or something…"

"She wouldn't be the only one then," Zaku whispered loudly.

"What?" Kin asked. Zaku turned the same red shade as Kin.

"The truth is… I have something to tell you," Zaku whimpered, evidently scared.

"Me too," Kin admitted.

"You first."

"No you."

"Fine… Kin, I… I like you a lot."

"Really?" Kin smiled. "Good. I was tired of waiting for you to tell me."

"Huh?" Zaku inquired.

"It would be so unromantic for me to ask you out," Kin explained.

"You like me?" Zaku cried incredulously.

"Duh," Kin grinned, red in the face. "Why wouldn't I like you? You're the first guy who talked to me like a normal person. Orochimaru treated me like a weapon, Dosu barely talks, and the Hokage… well… most everyone around Konoha hates me."

Zaku swallowed some spit. He smirked, a small smirk, but it was still a smirk. Kin beamed.

"So… are we… you know…?" Kin began, going back into her nervous speech pattern.

"I guess… I guess we're together…"

"So I can hug you?"

"Sure, why not?"

So Kin hugged him. And it was so kawaii that they completely forgot about the cows and Grandma Luigi and everyone else in the world. When Choji entered with Gatorade to find them hugging very cutely, he was taken in by the cuteness of it all and forgot about the Gatorade.

Then everyone remembered where they were, became very flustered, and went about their business.

**NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 2:28 PM, 2ND WEDNESDAY**

"WHY!" Shikamaru yelled.

He was having mood swings again. Naruto tried to calm him down earlier that morning, but that only made him act stranger. Dosu slapped him upside the head, but that just made him angry. Kankuro let him play with his cool little wooden puppets, and that worked for a little bit, but then Kankuro wanted to be the German boy in the lederhosen, and of course, so did Shikamaru. So that made Shikamaru angrier. Neji tried to cheer him up by telling him he got a 99 on his Algebra test, but Shikamaru already knew that. It was now Tenten's turn.

"Shikamaru, are you okay?" she asked tenderly. Tenten was so kind that everyone's heart tended to melt when she was around. But Shikamaru wasn't in a heart-melting mood.

"Fine," Shikamaru frowned, hearing the bell. "Thank God for the freakin' bell."

Shikamaru grabbed at his backpack, but Tenten was faster than him. She yanked the backpack away.

"Okay, Shikamaru," Tenten spat. "We're all sick of your bitchy attitude. If you want to be catty, you can go join Sarah Jessica Parker on Sex and the City, got that?"

Shikamaru looked at Tenten. "I've never seen you this angry before."

"Because I've never really been this angry before," Tenten admitted. "Everyone is pissed at you. What is wrong?"

"I like someone," Shikamaru admitted through gritted teeth. "And I doubt that she likes me, so if you'll excuse me, I want my backpack back."

Shikamaru yanked his backpack from Tenten and tried to walk away. Tenten narrowed her eyes and ran after him.

"Shikamaru," she said, turning calm and caring again, "I'm just here to help you. Who is it that you like?"

"You probably don't know her," Shikamaru answered bluntly.

"Well, I won't know until you tell me," Tenten pointed out.

"Why do you all even care!" Shikamaru screamed. At this point the two of them were standing on the basketball courts that lined the 600 building. Tenten put her hand in the pocket of her pink jeans. Her white jacket billowed in the wind.

"We all love you, Shikamaru," Tenten told him. "We're your friends. We just want you happy…"

Shikamaru probably shouldn't have said anything. He didn't. He wasn't going to, either, but then circumstances changed.

Penn showed up.

"Ah, how cute. The fag and the princess," Penn noted. "You guys look so horrible together. Ten bucks says he's in it for the sex."

"Wrong," Tenten commented. It pretty much summed up the emotion of the statement. "We aren't together, he isn't a fag, and I'm a virgin."

"What are you even DOING here, Penn?" Shikamaru asked.

"Looking for Naruto," Penn snickered. "There's an Algebra 8 test coming up, and I'm gonna kick his ass."

"I meant, I thought you had been written out of the story," Shikamaru explained. "Where'd ya go?"

"To San Francisco," Penn told him. "A Juvenile Court hearing. Now just tell me where Naruto is. I have something to tell him."

Tenten frowned. "What makes you think he cares?"

"Because he knows something," Penn explained. "He's hiding something from me. Something about you."

"About me?" Tenten asked.

"Penn, what are you getting at?" Shikamaru asked. His anger had been at a slow boil all day, and now it was finally simmering over. He couldn't take much more crap.

"I know about you and that Neji kid," Penn smirked evilly. "He thinks that he can mess with me… well, if Naruto loses, I'll beat whatever he knows about you two outta him."

Shikamaru couldn't hold it in any longer. Without warning, he socked Penn – hard – in the face. Penn fell to the ground, grabbing his cheek.

"What was that for!" Penn yelled.

"I can't take this anymore!" Shikamaru yelled before turning and running away.

Tenten began to run after him, trying to get him to calm down. Penn lay on the ground, glaring at Shikamaru, but not moving. Shikamaru's punch had been pretty forceful.

"Shikamaru, stop!" Tenten cried, running as fast as she could. "This isn't solving anything."

Shikamaru just kept running. Tenten lost her strength and fell down on the pavement leading away from the 650 building. She stood up and began to walk away.

-

"How was your day, Shikamaru, dear?"

Shikamaru grumbled back something unintelligible at his mother. True, Conditioner, with her purple hair and her wide green eyes, was most people's ideal mother; today he didn't even want to deal with her. He didn't want to deal with anyone right at the moment.

"Can you at least answer?" Conditioner asked coolly, glaring at her son. Shikamaru sighed.

"It wasn't very good," Shikamaru told her. It was the truth. The day had been a complete waste.

"Why?"

"I like this girl," Shikamaru said.

"Go on," Conditioner urged in a tone reminiscent of Alicia Silverstone in Clueless.

"I don't know why, but I like her more than the last person I liked. And I liked that person a lot," Shikamaru explained briefly. "But I really don't want to talk about it."

Shikamaru dumped his backpack on a chair and began to shuffle through it, looking for his History homework.

Conditioner was a little angry with Shikamaru because of his (frankly) dismal attitude. Conditioner thought about a suitable punishment for him as he did his homework. She finally snapped her fingers in understanding.

"What?" Shikamaru asked gloomily.

"I know why you're being inarticulate!" Conditioner smiled. "You are being influenced by the adult cartoons and TV shows that you're watching, and they're having a negative effect on your mind!"  
"Huh?" Shikamaru yelled out. Conditioner had gone off the deep end.

"Okay!" Conditioner nodded. "You aren't allowed to watch your TV shows anymore. Or any channel other than Kick-tunes."

"Kick-tunes?" Shikamaru asked. "What is THAT? And what would the TV shows I watch have to do with this? I HAVE AN INABILITY TO DEAL WITH CHANGE. It doesn't have ANYTHING to do with South Park or Desperate Housewives."

"Oh well," Conditioner frowned. "That's my final word."

Shikamaru put away his homework and went into his room, lying on the bed. He stared at the cream-colored ceiling, thinking and pondering.

_Why do you cause me so much trouble, Mari? Why do I like you more than Naruto?_

**End Episode Eight**

A/N: You know, these chapters are so hard to write. That's why it takes so long to get them up and running the way I want them. And in case you're wondering, Conditioner was supposed to be Shampoo's (from Ranma ½) evil twin, but that didn't work. Also, Konohamaru will make more appearances – but not for a little bit. Final thing: Seto Kaiba returns!

A/N 2: Our very own Lil Riter has her own Deviant Art webpage, which is linked to her profile. Why am I bringing this up? She has told me she wants to make the comic version of Coming to America, and will even host some of my original drawings of the Coming to America gang! I will be sure you guys are the first to know about any developments pertaining to the CtA 'manga'!

A/N 3: The story will end when Phantom of the Opera is performed. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Sorry.

PAIRING UPDATE! Shame on Kakashi, for rubbing off on Iruka…

Iruka/Mrs. Haruno, one-sided

Iruka/Mrs. Yamanaka, one-sided

Iruka/Tsunade, one-sided

Kin/Zaku, not one-sided! Yay! Here you go!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto, Fairly Odd Parents, or any other such thing in here.

**Preview of Episode Nine**

We skip ahead a week to the third week in America, where, in New York, Neji is helping Naruto study like crazy for that Algebra 8 exam, because Naruto knows that Neji proposed to Tenten! What's worse is that Mari tells Shikamaru that she is smitten with him, which just sends our favorite lazy bum into an even deeper state of shock. Spamalot grows closer to its opening day four weeks from then, and it appears that the cast is feeling the strain. It's time to focus on Vance and Randall, playing Sir Bedevere and Sir Arthur, respectively!

Meanwhile, poor Lin is still trying to decipher what Gaara said to her earlier. Mysteriously, she no longer feels anything – and barely talks to – Mr. Subato, instead pining over Gaara. While she is temporarily placated by the rehearsals for Phantom of the Opera, nothing seems to snap her from her stupor – save Gaara. And in other news, Rock Lee decides to go get help about Koku. His help is none other than Asher Curtis, who finds the whole situation hilarious. And Sakura finds the perfect opportunity to ask Sasuke out on a date…

In Kansas, Darien confronts Temari in the grain field, and she is subsequently terrorized Temari realizes something must be done before things get out of hand. Nancy believes that it would be in Temari's best interest to leave Kansas. Temari, much as she knows she needs to leave, doesn't want to – because of Kiba…

And… see Nancy yell at her brother AND Temari! Marvel as the first sexy nosebleed of the show occurs! Gasp as Itachi rides a bike to the market! (That last one wasn't a joke, guys.)

Coming Soon: Episode Nine! Angst For Lovers! The Special Emo Chapter!

Jerard: Like my title?

Naruto: Okay, guys, the real title is: "Episode Nine! Coming to America: Ninja's Stage! All You Need is Love and the Origins of Youth!"

Shikamaru: Just how many in-jokes do you plan on sticking in that title?

Sakura: Oh! That's a Pokemon reference! Love and the Origins of Youth – Team Rocket reference!

Rock Lee: Really?

Koku: Yeah! (to herself) Duh. I am the BIGGEST Team Rocket fan ever… who does Sakura think she is!


	9. Episode Nine with the cliffhanger

**Coming to America! Episode Nine**

**Coming to America: Ninja's Stage! All You Need is Love and the Origins of Youth!**

**NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 3:45 PM, 3RD MONDAY**

"I blow my nose in your general direction, you wiper of other people's bottoms!" Naruto yelled on stage. The wireless mike amplified his voice about a thousand times, causing people backstage to wince and people in the audience to shriek in pain. Mr. Johansen stopped the scene short and walked on stage.

"Naruto, you can't yell so loud," he explained. "The mikes are extremely sensitive to noise! We don't want to make the audience deaf!"

Not yelling was a very tough thing for Naruto to do, actually. Mostly everything Naruto said was said in a yelling tone. So Naruto laughed nervously.

"Okay, Mr. Johansen," Naruto replied in a normal voice.

"That's good, Naruto," Mr. Johansen nodded. He then walked back downstage. "Okay people, we're gonna start from the beginning of the scene again!"

Neji pulled the curtain down. He sighed. Naruto was such a fool. How many times would Mr. Johansen have to ask him to not scream?

Someone tapped Neji on the shoulder. Neji whirled around. Penelope Tang was standing by his side, clutching a white filmy… actually, Neji had no idea what Penelope was carrying. It looked like a silk gunnysack.

"Where's Mari?" Penelope asked. "I need to get this to her before her scene."

"Actually, I haven't seen Mari today," Neji told Penelope. "And every time I've seen her, she seems kind of… down."

Penelope looked to her left. The actors were milling around randomly. Naruto had pulled out an Algebra book and began to study. Kankuro was so shocked by this action that he fainted. Her eyes focused on Shikamaru. He was trying to wake Kankuro.

"Actually, Mari is having a bit of a… problem… with a certain guy," Penelope admitted. She looked at Shikamaru again, and when she was certain that he wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to her, she leaned down to Neji's ear.

"She really likes Shikamaru," Penelope whispered. "But she thinks that he doesn't like her. I mean, he's been so moody lately."

"None of us know why he's being moody," Neji shrugged. "He barely talks to anyone anymore… and if we so much as mention Mari, he freezes up and goes off to take a piss…" A sudden realization hit Neji. "Do you think that maybe Shikamaru…?"

"Let's find out," Penelope smiled. Neji blinked.

"What do you mean, 'let's find out'?" Neji spat. "We can't just go up to him and say, 'hey, do you like Mari?'"

"Well, no duh," Penelope smirked. "Leave it to the president of the Fortune-Telling Club to figure it out."

Penelope stuck out her fingers to form a square. She closed her eyes, and separated her hands so that her palms stuck out in front of her. Her short blonde hair began to move slightly in the soft breeze. Penelope's mouth opened slightly, and her eyes opened abruptly, as if something had slammed into her.

"He likes Mari, too," Penelope breathed. Her face was slicked with sweat, and she had dropped the gunnysack-dress-thing on her feet. Neji's eyes widened.

"How did you do that?" Neji asked. At first, he was amazed, but now his emotions bordered on suspicious. Neji recognized a ninja art when he saw one, and that particular art looked strangely like the Shintenshin (or Art of the Valentine or whatever Ino had decided to call it that week). Penelope turned to Neji with a small grin.

"I come from one of the foremost shamanic families in Japan, the Yamanaka," Penelope explained. "We all have some form of power like this… I can read minds… my mom is a priestess and exorcises demons from people…"

Neji clenched his fist around the rope that drew the curtain. Penelope was a ninja, plain and simple. She must have been a jonin placed in America by the Hokage to monitor the other shinobi. The idea wouldn't be a stretch.

"That's interesting," Neji commented. He found himself intrigued by this supposed teenager.

"Lift the curtain!" Mr. Johansen called to Neji. Penelope turned to Neji again, picking up the smooth garment and cradling it in her arms.

"I have to go find Mari," Penelope explained. She ran away, the silken thing flowing behind her. Neji pulled the curtain, all the while thinking about the higher powers in Konoha. They had tricked him and the others! This was a mission, true, but it was like the Chunin exams – it was probably another exercise meant to make the Leaf Nation or the Sand Nation or whatever look good in the eyes of the other, smaller, ninja-less nations. Neji let his anger seethe out of him. He couldn't go AWOL now. Not with Shikamaru being so crazy and Tenten worried out of her skull. He couldn't frighten his betrothed.

Neji turned back to the performance in front of him. Naruto was actually restraining himself. Neji smiled. Naruto had the skills and the determination to beat Penn. Now, if only Naruto didn't have ADD, it would have been the perfect situation for beating Penn…

-

"Okay guys, take a break!" Mr. Johansen called.

All the actors let out a collective sigh and jumped off of the stage. Shikamaru was last to get off, lost in his own mind.

Randall Evergreen scoffed.

"I can't work like this," he frowned, his soft British accent barely detectable to the other listeners (one of whom happened to be Yokorin, who was visibly frowning). "I am one of the most sought after teenage actors in the entire Tri-State area, and having to deal with some of these so-called actors tries my patience to no end!"

A few people laughed, Yokorin's face grew slightly red with anger, and Vance James (who was also listening), inhaled irately.

"Look, Randall, not everyone here is in this show just so they can put it on their résumé," Vance sighed. "Half of us are in it for the fun. Isn't that what Spamalot is all about?"

"Yeah," Yokorin pouted. "We're terribly sorry if we don't perform up to Broadway standards."

"Last time I checked, we weren't on Broadway," Vance told Randall.

"We're close enough to it," Randall pointed out in a critical tone. "All I'm saying is MEMORIZE YOUR LINES, PEOPLE!"

"We've got four more weeks," Yokorin noted. "We have to have them memorized in two more weeks. Some of us have Geometry to deal with. That doesn't leave us with much time, Randall."

Palin, the (assumed) androgynous actor, wandered over to where Randall was talking. Randall noticed Palin standing there and smirked.

"Palin has his lines down, though," Randall explained to the crowd of people. Palin scribbled something down in the black notebook that 'it' carried everywhere. "Why can't you guys be more like him and actually put some effort into your work?"

"You seem very confident, don't you?" Palin noted. Palin looked down at the black notebook and flipped to a certain page. Palin's very short sandy blonde hair bobbed with the movement. "Hmm… Randall Evergreen… it says here that you are currently failing math and have a D in Spanish. If you're so dedicated, why are you ignoring your studies?"

Yokorin, Vance, and the entirety of the circle looked at Palin expectantly. Palin flipped to another page of the notebook, a deviant smile forming upon its face.

"And what's this?" Palin exclaimed, looking at something else. "You're a closet Gwen Stefani _otaku_ and you have a picture of her that you kiss every morning! Oh, how sublime! You're so dedicated to your Harajuku queen that you've completely blown off math… what good will math be on Broadway anyway?"

The circle of people was frozen. Palin had never struck them as the vindictive type, actually. Palin was always in the corner, scribbling in that notebook of its. Now everyone knew better – Palin was a master of manipulation.

"Oh, and by the way, Randall," Palin shrugged, walking away, "I'm a girl."

Palin retreated to the corner, to go into her backpack and stuff the black notebook away. Randall was stunned speechless. Vance and Yokorin looked at each other, frightened.

"How does she know all of that stuff…?" Yokorin murmured.

"She's a ninth-grader," Vance told Yokorin. "Before, only her close friends knew her gender… she usually makes no attempt to correct people when they fudge up her gender. I'm her on-again, off-again friend, and she's not usually so vindictive… but she has been known to ruin people with Hiruma-chan."

"Hiruma-chan?" Yokorin questioned. "Who's that?"

"Not who," Vance corrected. "Hiruma-chan is what she named her notebook."

"She named her notebook…?" Yokorin turned to Randall, who was severely embarrassed. Her confusion melted away as she grinned evilly. "Well, she put Randall in his place, didn't she?"

Palin looked up at Vance and Yokorin. Both of them froze.

"I hope she doesn't think we were gossiping about her," Vance murmured.

"I'd hate to know what she has on me," Yokorin admitted.

Palin walked over to the pair of them and smiled. "Hey guys. What's up? You look scared."  
Palin had just done a complete 180 and was now acting as if nothing had happened.

"I… I really need to pee!" Vance blurted out randomly before running off. Yokorin smiled oddly.

"Uh… I… I'm PMSing!" Yokorin offered. Yokorin grabbed a glass of water off of a nearby table, flung it in Palin's face, hugged her, and ran after Vance. Palin cocked her head in a confused fashion before walking off to do something else.

Yokorin caught up with Vance after a few minutes. He was sitting on a bench outside of the MPR. Vance sighed.

"You said that she's your on-again, off-again friend," Yokorin began, taking a seat next to him. "Why?"

"She's bipolar," Vance told Yokorin. "She takes medicine for it, sure, but she also has a bit of a multiple personality disorder… she takes some getting used to, and she's near unbearable when she goes completely psycho."

"Completely psycho?" Yokorin pressed.

"She begins to worship Rainbow Monkeys, dates guys she doesn't even know, sneaks into R-rated movies…" Vance shrugged. "And then she goes to bed and forgets about it the next day. I guess that's one way to live life…"

Yokorin frowned. "Maybe. But I still worry about Hiruma-chan…" Yokorin paused uneasily. "Where DID she get that name?"

"I don't know, actually," Vance admitted. The two of them sat together outside, letting the chilly air freeze them to their bones before walking back inside the MPR.

-

While Yokorin and Vance were freezing their butts off, Shikamaru was going over his lines in the last scene of the play. He was rather focused on them… until a delicate finger tapped him on the shoulder. Shikamaru jumped a few feet into the air, startled. He figured it was probably Tenten, trying to figure out why he was so moody… again…

"Look, Tenten, I don't feel like talking about my life's issues," Shikamaru explained for the umpteenth time, sighing.

"I'm not Tenten."

Shikamaru turned around. It was Mari. She looked very embarrassed and was fidgeting nervously.

"Oh…" Shikamaru flushed. "Oh, Mari, sorry about that…"

"Oh, it's no big deal," Mari smiled awkwardly. "Actually, I just… I just needed to tell you something."

"Okay," Shikamaru nodded. "Shoot."

Mari smiled oddly, a mixture between supreme confusion and unbridled affection. Shikamaru inhaled slowly.

"Shikamaru, I know you've been acting weird lately," Mari said. Shikamaru frowned. He didn't want Mari worried. That was the last thing –

Shikamaru's frown grew more pronounced. He didn't understand it. He was so madly in love with Mari that everything he had once felt towards Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Ino – it was gone.

"…I haven't been myself lately either," Mari confessed. "Because of you."

"What do you mean by that…?" Shikamaru asked in a low voice.

"I love you, Shikamaru," Mari whispered before turning bright red and running off in a lopsided manner. Shikamaru tried to stop her, but she just kept running.

Shikamaru stopped following her when she got halfway across the campus. Shikamaru was cold and his nose was running, but he didn't care.

_Mari probably thinks I'm a freak now, _Shikamaru thought madly. _But she was the one who ran off like a psycho. _

Shikamaru turned around to walk back inside, but as he turned, he caught a glimpse of Mari hiding behind a tree, her wispy hair blowing in the wind and a panicked look on her face.

Shikamaru grinned widely.

_Something's going my way! _Shikamaru realized. All of his confusion disappeared as he came to that simple conclusion. _SOMETHING is working for me! I can't sit here and mope about Naruto when I actually have SOMEONE I love loving me back!_

Shikamaru ran over to the tree Mari was hiding behind. Mari gasped at Shikamaru's sudden appearance.

"I love you too!" Shikamaru said with a giant grin. Mari jumped on top of Shikamaru, effectively toppling him.

"Ow…" Shikamaru moaned.

-

"Neji, I can't stop studying NOW! This grade isn't good enough!" Naruto complained, sitting on the turret on the set of Spamalot.

Neji, who was also now standing on the set, looked over Naruto's shoulder at the practice test he had been taking. Neji blinked.

"Naruto, that's a B-plus," Neji said with an air of surprise. He was shocked at how Naruto had managed to turn his grade around. Naruto scoffed.

"If I want to beat Penn and save Tenten, I have to study -!"  
"Tenten?" Neji repeated. Now he really was shocked. "What happened to her?"

"Nothing," Naruto replied hastily. "Tenten told me that she and you were getting married eventually, and I don't know how, but Penn thinks that Tenten has a secret like that…"

"Which is true," Neji nodded. Suddenly what Naruto had explained in such poor English hit him full force. "Penn's going to hurt Tenten when he finds out!"

"Exactly," Naruto frowned. Neji glared at Naruto. Naruto picked up on the meaning of this death glare instantaneously. "Don't go thinking I'm going to take your girlfriend; I'd never do that. I like someone else."

Neji nodded. "Naruto, you're a good person. I don't see why other people miss that." Neji gave a rather pointed glance to Randall, who was barking orders at a frightened Penelope.

Neji was also, in a way, staring at Penelope. That interloper had no business in America if she was truly a spy for Konoha.

Neji, of course, was wrong. Penelope had no idea that she was a ninja descendant, and the closest she had ever come to traveling to other worlds was through watching 'Tenchi Muyo'. Neji wasn't often wrong, but when he was, man, it was embarrassing…

_"Neji-san, what on earth are you doing?" Shino asked rather angrily. Neji had him pinned to the ground of the Area 71 training ground. Neji growled._

_"As if you don't know," Neji spat back. "You're trying to assassinate Kurenai-sensei."_

_"If I was trying to assassinate Kurenai-sensei…" Shino began before pausing._

_"Yes?" Neji pressed._

_"If I was trying to assassinate her, wouldn't I go TO HER HOUSE? IT'S OUR INDEPENDENT STUDY DAY."_

Neji sighed. Pinning down this shinobi would be hard.

**KONOHAGAKURE: 2:05 PM, 2ND THURSDAY**

"Kabuto still isn't back from his punishment," Itachi grumbled. Itachi, being a superior ninja, could have easily deduced how to chop down a tree with a fish – alchemy!

That was a joke. If I ever stick another Full Metal Alchemist reference in here, shoot me, Riza Hawkeye. Wait… maybe I should just… move on… yeah…

Itachi, being a superior ninja, could have easily deduced how to chop down a tree with a fish – put some chakra into it and it can destroy damn near anything.

Itachi stared at the ceiling for a long time. He then got up and went over to the pantry and saw that the cellar was out of dried ramen.

"Crap," Itachi frowned, his stomach gurgling. "And I can't get Kabuto to do it…"

_Kabuto, at the moment, was attempting to cut down a tree with the fish. He whacked the fish against the tree time and time again, but the only thing that he accomplished so far was to scale the fish._

_Mrs. Yamanaka walked by Kabuto, her arms full of groceries. She took one look at Kabuto and frowned uneasily._

_"Kids these days…" she muttered, walking away._

_Kabuto said nothing. Like Iruka-sensei, he was rather taken with Mrs. Yamanaka._

"I guess I'll do it myself!" Itachi cried. He pulled a bubbly, shojo-type background out of thin air and placed it in perfect sync with the camera's field of view. Itachi grinned.

"Da-da-da-daaaaaaa!" Itachi screamed. "Part One – Getting a Bicycle!"  
Itachi ran outside, abandoning his backdrop and jumping onto a red bicycle lying on the side of the road.

"That was rather convenient," Itachi noted, getting up on the bike before realizing a rather important fact.

"I don't know how to ride a bike," Itachi muttered under his breath, his face paling. "I, the great missing nin of Konoha, Akatsuki member extraordinaire… cannot ride a simple instrument of transportation…"

Moegi, that cute little girlfriend of Konohamaru's, walked by and blinked.

"Hey, Mister Missing Nin-san!" Moegi called. Itachi blinked.

"Yes?"

"Why don't you just poof over to the supermarket?" Moegi asked.

Itachi was taken aback. "How did you know I was going to the supermarket?"

"Easy, I saw your blog," Moegi nodded happily.

"I have no blog. I don't even know what a blog is."

"It's ninja talk for giant shiny forehead protector that displays a running ticker of information and brainwaves."

"How the hell do you know this?"

"I made it all up."

"So how DID you know I'm going to the supermarket?"  
"Easy, you just told me. Bye Missing-Nin-san!"

Moegi skipped off as Itachi blanched. "How could I have been bested by a snot-nosed Academy Student?"

Itachi focused on the red bicycle, forgetting about Moegi. He put his feet on the pedals and attempted to go forward. He fell off of the bike. Itachi got back on, tried again, and fell off again. Itachi got back on again, but this time he didn't put his feet on the pedals.

"If I use my chakra to push the bike, I should be able to get it started," Itachi reasoned. "But how much chakra is necessary?"

Itachi pondered the statement for a while, thinking and thinking. He finally came to a rather misbegotten conclusion.

"I'll just put all of my chakra into it!" Itachi nodded happily, for he thought it was a good plan. Not so much.

Itachi channeled his chakra into the soles of his feet, placed them gently against the ground, and pushed off – hard. The coursing blue energy sent Itachi flying at close to 70 MPH on the tiny red bicycle. Needless to say, this was rather stupid.

Itachi went flying through Konoha, passing all kinds of locals who said a varying degree of things about the mysterious red blur with a blue cape. Most of them were a variation on "how drunk IS that ninja?"

Kakashi and Iruka were two of the people who saw the red blur, but they thought differently.

"Itachi," Iruka spat vehemently. "What is he doing here?"

"I think he's attempting to kill someone," Kakashi reasoned. "I think."

"A fatal bicycle accident," Iruka mused. "That sounds like something Naruto would do."

"More like Kiba, I believe," Kakashi argued. "Naruto wouldn't know how to focus his chakra like that."

"Perhaps Shino? Shino always did have a weird sense of humor."

"If all three of them banded together, do you think they could do it?"

"I really don't know."

As the two teachers argued over which chunin would be able to pull off a fatal bicycle attack, Itachi lost what little control he had over the bike and crashed into a tree.

This happened to be the very tree that Kabuto had been trying to knock down with a herring, leading the hapless ninja to believe that he had actually done his task. He walked away whistling, not even noticing his employer on the ground, tangled in the wreckage of a bicycle.

Misty Waterflowers ran up to Itachi, seething. She slapped him.

"You owe me a new bike!" she yelled before skipping off.

Kakashi and Iruka sauntered up to Itachi and pulled him from the wreckage.

"We need to talk to you," Iruka told him in a cold voice.

Itachi frowned. Now he'd never get his ramen.

**THE LOSS FARM, KANSAS: 4:49 PM, 3ND TUESDAY**

Ino and Choji were downing Gatorade – again. The two had become positively addicted to the electrolyte-replenishing sports drink. However, unlike most days, Ino was leaning against Choji in an exhausted manner.

"How many bales of hay did you manage today?" Choji asked, wiping the red liquid from his lips.

"Seventeen," Ino answered before downing more sport drink, a la Napoleon Dynamite.

"Sweeeeeeet," Choji answered, smashing his empty cup in the palms of his hands.

"Choji?" Ino asked suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"You notice how all of the chunin except for us have paired off with each other?" Ino noted. Choji scratched his head.

"Yeah," Choji replied. "But that's just because this tale has the same rationale as a demented fantasy played out by a rabid fangirl, torn away from her favorite sex-slave/deranged bassist, with no better way to spend her time."

"True," Ino shrugged. "But who'd have thought that Temari and Kiba would end up together?"

"Good point," Choji sighed. "You know, Nancy is kind of cute."

"In an irritating Southern-drawl kind of way," Ino spat.

_Wait, _Ino thought. _I am SO not getting jealous of Nancy. She's just irritating. Right?_

"You sound jealous," Choji frowned. "Why?"

_Oh God! Now this idiot thinks I like him! WHY WHY WHY!_

"She has the easy chores to do," Ino sighed, running her fingers through her pony tailed hair. "Slacker."

"Actually, I think that Nancy's been trying to keep Darien away from Temari," Choji corrected.

"That's an odd thing to say," Ino commented blithely.

"See for yourself, Ino," Choji said, pointing to Nancy yelling at Darien, with a frightened-looking Temari behind her.

-

Let's backtrack a little. _Rewind, rewind, rewind…_

On a rainy day in England some-odd years ago, in Uncle Norm's Organ Emporium, a slow-witted but musically gifted twenty-something named Stuart Tusspot was working the register. Many considered him to be a shoo-in for the position of Regional Manager, seeing as he was the store's star employee. But, as it would so happen, delusional Satanist hoodlum Murdoc Niccals was planning to raid the place in order to form, in his words, "a chart-topping, world-dominating band"…

Wait… what did I back up to…? Oh! Oh, cool! I backed up to England in 1997! Wait. You guys probably don't understand… damn, and I _like _this story… and the characters… okay, I need to fast forward a little…

_Fast forward…_

Temari was raping the land with her simple farming scythe (interesting imagery there, no?), collecting spilled grain from the stalks growing namby-pamby in the earth. Usually, she would try to focus entirely on the menial task. It was a mission to her. However, with the advent of her relationship with Kiba, she'd found it impossible to focus on anything but him.

And it was making her stronger, the exact opposite of what she had originally thought.

Temari could practically hear the little guardian angel she had tutting, chanting its chorus of 'I told you so…' in her heart and her head.

Temari had grown to ignore it.

So, there she was, collecting grain and putting it in a rucksack around her waist, when who should appear but…

…MASTER MIZUKI!

No, I'm kidding. It was Darien. Temari, absorbed in her own thoughts about life, picking up grain, and Kiba, didn't notice his shadow block out the sunlight pounding on her back.

"Hello, Temari," Darien murmured. Temari jumped a good ten feet in the air, scattering the grain she was holding in her hand. Temari looked at Darien and inhaled shakily.

"Darien," Temari nodded. "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be loading the truck up…?"

"I'm done with that," Darien answered in a dark voice.

"Okay then," Temari said confusedly. "So why are you here?"

Darien looked down at Temari. "Are you with Kiba?"

"What?" Temari gasped, frightened.

"Are you -?"  
"I heard what you said!" Temari interrupted, her voice cracking.

_Why, why, why, WHY, WHY! _Temari thought angrily. _One thing goes right in my life, and I'm handed twice as many bad things! Why do you hate me so much, God!_

"God does not hate you," Temari's guardian angel muttered in her ear. "You're just a little unlucky. At least you aren't like Naruto, right?"  
Temari thought about that for a second.

_But he has admirers. Hinata, for one…_

"You have admirers," the guardian angel retorted. "Kankuro, your loving brother? Kin, who's become one of your best friends? Kiba!"

_Oh. Yeah._

"Exactly."

"Why?" Darien asked Temari in a threatening voice. Temari winced. "Why would you pick HIM over ME?"

Nancy raised her head out from the cover of the wispy grain stalks to see who was screaming. She bit her lip.

"Darien!" Nancy screeched, stomping over to the two of them. At this point, Temari was very frightened (proving that even the toughest people can dissolve under pressure. Need more proof? Read Into Thin Air), stepping backward at a fast pace.

"Will ya stop harrasin' her!" Nancy yelled in his face. "You are such a freak sometimes!"

Nancy continued to yell at Darien (something that must have blown out his eardrums). Around this time, Ino and Choji noticed that Nancy was yelling at Darien. They jumped up and ran over to where the three were yelling/hiding/cowering in fear. (That was in no particular order.)

"What's going on?" Ino asked authoritatively.

"The same thing that's been goin' on for weeks now!" Nancy told the two of them. Choji scratched his head.

"What?" he mused.

"Darien's tryin' ta get Temari ta go out with him… and she doesn't wanna!" Nancy announced.

Temari was too scared to give a sharp retort. That was Ino's second clue that something was up.

The first, you ask? The fact that Temari was frightened out of her mind.

After continued yelling, Darien finally ran away, sick of hearing it all.

"Yeah! Don't come anywhere NEAR her, you git it!" Nancy screamed after him.

Temari sat on the ground, not moving. Her breathing was heavy and her mind was filled with fear. Ino looked down at her with her giant baby blue eyes.

"Temari…" Ino began before breaking off. She didn't know what to say that would make anything better.

"Yer gonna have ta leave," Nancy frowned.

"Oh, yeah, sorry –" Choji apologized.

"Not you," Nancy interjected. "Temari. This place is dangerous for ya. I don't want'cha getting' hurt."  
Temari blinked in amazement. She didn't want to leave.

"I can't just up and leave!" Temari called out desperately. "I'd be a disgrace!"

"Yer safety is a lot more important than yer honor," Nancy snapped. "If y'all think that Darien'll just give up, yer wrong. I can only control him ta a degree."

Nancy turned around and began to walk away from a shell-shocked Temari. As a tear trickled down her fearful face, she inhaled heavily and faced Nancy's backside.

"GIVE ME TIME!" Temari yelled.

Nancy whirled around. "What?"

"Give me time!" Temari repeated. "I'll get by just fine! I can figure out a way out of this!"

Nancy stood silent for a very long time. She suddenly smiled oddly at Temari.

"I trust ya…"

And THEN Nancy walked away.

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 10:13 AM, 3RD TUESDAY**

"Lin, are you all right?"

Lin looked up from To Kill A Mockingbird long enough to realize that Koku was trying to talk to her. Her eyes masked worry.

Lin should have known better than to try and hide her fears from Koku. You see, Koku had a complex – if one of her friends wasn't all right, she would try to do anything she could to help them. The fact that her advice was about as helpful as Cosmo Kramer's didn't sway her. However, if Koku herself were sick, she would refuse to admit it until it became impossible to ignore.

Koku didn't like the idea that illness could fell her.

Lin gave a weak smile. "Yes, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" Koku asked. "You haven't passed page 32 yet, and you've been staring at it for ten minutes."

"So?"

"You read about ten pages a minute."

Lin sighed. _Busted._

"You've been like this all week, Lin!" Koku protested. "If you don't tell me what's wrong, I'll get Jackie Waterford over here to snap you out of it!"

"But you hate Jackie…" Lin reminded her.

"That's my point!" Koku cried. "I HATE seeing you in pain like this!"

A tall shadow descended over Koku and Lin. The two of them looked up.

"Oh, Asher," Lin murmured before going back into her own world.

Asher looked questioningly at Lin. "Is she all right?"

"No, I know she isn't," Koku answered tartly. "But this little douche-bag won't tell me what's bugging her."

"Harsh words," Asher commented in a stunned voice. "I hope you won't start calling everyone a wanker."

"Why would I?" Koku asked in a stupefied tone. "The real issue is Lin…"

Lin bit her lip. She was tired of everyone being so concerned. Couldn't they see that she just wanted to be alone for a bit? Even if she was being introverted – and had been for the past week or so – there was a serious reason for that! One that neither Asher nor Koku would ever understand, for that matter. Neither of them heard Gaara's voice in their head every waking second, telling her that she shouldn't mind… and walking away slowly…

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Lin screeched. Koku jumped up and Asher stepped back.

"Lin! Lin!" Asher stammered. "It's me, A-chan… don't worry, everything's all right…"

"NO!" Lin yelled. "EVERYTHING IS NOT ALL RIGHT! MY TRUE LOVE HAS MY HEART, AND I RUINED EVERYTHING! DON'T YOU GET IT? YOU'D NEVER UNDERSTAND!"

Lin took off down the hallway and ducked behind a corner. Ironically, it was the same corner that she spied on Gaara from back when the two of them had first met. That fact did little to comfort her.

Tears flowed down Lin's cheeks. "Why…?"

Lin sobbed in the darkness. She hadn't shed any tears about it until now. Phantom of the Opera rehearsals seemed to curb her emotions, but not much. At home, instead of watching MTV and yelling profanities at the sexually explicit videos and programs, she would stare at the ceiling, watching her fan rotate. At school, instead of being the bubbly and vibrant artist that everyone had grown to know and love, she had become a recluse intent on avoiding everyone – especially Gaara.

"Why did I think I would find you here, of all places?"

"Go away, Asher," Lin blurted out, tears running down her face.

"I'm not Asher."

Lin turned around. Gaara was kneeling down to her level. She erupted into a fresh new wave of tears and whirled around quickly.

"I don't want to talk to you!" Lin cried out between sobs.

Gaara sat in silence for a while whilst Lin controlled herself. It was hard to do, but eventually her tears became less loud and erratic.

"Why would I want to talk to you?" Lin asked finally.

"I realize that I hurt you," Gaara admitted. Lin choked a little.

"No, really," Lin spat. She usually wasn't so vindictive. It was a good thing Gaara knew better.

"I haven't seen you talking to Mr. Subato anymore," Gaara observed.

"I have no need to," Lin mentioned. "It was a stupid little crush."

"You're wrong there," Gaara corrected. "It was a ninja art."

Lin gulped. She finally looked directly into Gaara's eyes. He wasn't lying. She blinked worriedly.

"What?"

"It's a ninja art. Mr. Subato was – is – a ninja," Gaara revealed. He took a deep breath.

Lin clenched her fist. "How do you know this?"

There was a long silence. It tore apart at Lin's mind and ate away at Gaara's soul. He was at a major crossroads. He could risk everything and end up with nothing in return…

Gaara kissed Lin. He pulled away worriedly, afraid that Lin would scream, or slap him, or run away and never speak to him again…

Lin said nothing. She didn't move an inch. Her eyes were blank as paper. Her face slowly reddened until it was a deep crimson, and then a plit of blood dribbled out of her nose.

This was followed by a gigantic sexy nosebleed.

Lin had never actually HAD a sexy nosebleed before this. By definition, a sexy nosebleed is a nosebleed that occurs when one sees, feels, or is part of something very sexual and/or romantic. At least, that's how Koku had explained it after having a very large nosebleed while watching the Feel Good Inc. video with Lin and Asher.

Koku had also told Lin that if she ever spilled about her obsession with Murdoc Niccals, she would mysteriously disappear, never to be seen again. Koku had no control over Asher, though.

Gaara backed up before realizing that Lin's head had NOT exploded.

_I am never watching Scanners again, _Gaara thought to himself before taking a few tissues out of his backpack and giving them to Lin.

"For your nose…" Gaara trailed off.

"Thanks…" Lin murmured, pushing them against her tiny nose. She tilted her head upward and looked down. "Crap!"  
"What?"

"I got nose blood all over my blouse…"

"It looks fine. White with red blood is an excellent color combo," Gaara shrugged.

Lin smiled underneath the wad of tissue. Slowly, that smile turned into laughter. Gaara was confused – his comment was a serious one. He didn't care about bloodstains. But just hearing Lin laugh made everything better.

Lin stood up. "Maybe I should go to the nurse."

Gaara stood with her. "Yes, I think you should."

-

Koku and Asher watched Lin run away with shocked expressions.

"What did you do?" Koku asked Asher before sweat-dropping. "Did you get taller over the last chapter?"

"That's not very important," Asher frowned. "My height, I mean. And I have no idea what I did, actually."

Koku looked at the floor of the hallway. "I think I'm going to go get my backpack."

Koku walked in the opposite direction, leaving Asher by a water fountain. Asher looked at all the people going through the four-way crossing, wondering why Lin had darted away. He knew why Koku had left: the situation had become awkward. Koku avoided two things like the plague; awkward silence was one of them. The other was modern American music.

Asher was about to turn and walk to his locker when he heard someone call out his name. He whipped around to see Rock Lee running directly towards him.

"Lee?" Asher said incredulously. "Why are you running?"

Lee stopped in front of Asher, pausing to catch his breath. He looked frantic.

"Hi, Asher," Lee greeted.

"Hi…?" Asher responded. Asher saw that there was an ear bud in one of his ears. "When'd you get an iPod?"

"It's not an iPod," Lee corrected, pulling out a tape player. "Tape deck."

"TAPE CORE!" a girl who we'll call Peter yelled from the other side of the hall before running off to look at a first pressing of Nirvana's Nevermind album.

Asher cocked his head. "You look exhausted. Why'd you run all the way to me?"

"I was afraid I wouldn't catch you," Rock Lee mentioned. "You are on track, after all."

"I wasn't running."

"I need some help, Asher."

Asher's eyes widened. Rock Lee always seemed so unshakable. Why would he need advice? "Shoot."

"Well… I like Koku."

"I would hope so," Asher spat. "She IS your adopted sister."

Rock Lee sighed. "No, I mean that I LOVE her."

Asher remained stoic. "Oh. Okay." It took a second to sink in. "WHAT?"

"Yeah, I love Koku…" Rock Lee repeated. "How would I get her to like me? Because, no offense, but she probably likes you, right?"

Asher thought that Rock Lee must have been thick to not realize that Koku liked him.

And as for Koku liking Asher, the closest the two of them had ever gotten to going out was when they competed against each other in a volleyball tournament. Koku's Super-Duper Fooly Cooly Serve (an extremely dangerous move) had nearly decapitated him.

"Koku doesn't like me!" Asher answered irritably. "Why does everyone think that!"

"Because you two are glued at the hip?"

That was Orohime Astronominov. She, in contrast to Rock Lee, was listening to an iPod. One ear bud had been shoved down her blouse top and the other was in her right ear.

"What are you listening to?" Orohime asked Rock Lee.

"Prince. Purple Rain. It's pretty cool," Rock Lee nodded. "And you?"

"Del tha Funkee Homosapien," Orohime shrugged. "Thanks for asking." Orohime turned to Asher tentatively. "So what's this about you and Koku?"

"Nothing between us," Asher said through gritted teeth.

"I like Koku. I was asking for advice," Rock Lee added.

Orohime paused her iPod. "…You're kidding… right?"

-

"SASUKE-KUN!" Sakura cooed, jumping on Sasuke's back. Sasuke frowned. His day was already going pretty badly.

First Jerard had explained that 7 Licks was doing a show in New York City, and, since Liam was the band's drummer, the two of them would be gone for close to a week. That meant Sasuke would be home alone for a week with enough money for food and a few Pay-Per-View movies. Then when Sasuke got to class, he discovered that he left his math notebook at home. He had nowhere to write his notes OR to do his homework OR any of last night's homework. While passing through the hallways later, he slipped on an errant banana peel.

And now Sakura was jumping on him. All he needed now was for Itachi to show up and beat in his skull or something ridiculous like that.

Note the sarcasm.

"Sakura, get OFF of me," Sasuke growled. "I'm in a bad mood…"

"Oh, Sasuke-kun, I know better than that!" Sakura cooed. "You're lovesick, aren't you?"

The comment struck a nerve with Sasuke. "Lovesick…?"

_Is there ever a time when I'm not? Sakura-san… bringing HIM up at a time like this… you are a wench._

"Of course!" Sakura elaborated. "You need a girlfriend, Sasuke-kun!"

"I won't go out with you," Sasuke answered, avoiding Sakura's unnecessary exposition.

Sakura's confident demeanor vanished. "But… but, Sasuke-kun… don't you…"

"I like someone else," Sasuke cut her off. Sakura suddenly turned livid.

"It's that skank Koku, isn't it?" Sakura bellowed. "You can't have anyone average, can you? You want a PERFECT girl, a BEAUTIFUL girl –"

"I DON'T LIKE A GIRL!" Sasuke yelled suddenly.

Sakura and Sasuke both recoiled, for different reasons.

"…What…?" Sakura murmured, her face flush red.

_How do I get out of this one? _Sasuke wondered.

"…You like an OLDER WOMAN!" Sakura yelled. Now she was really mad.

Sasuke, before thinking about what he was about to say, yelled, "I DON'T LIKE YOU BECAUSE I LOVE NARUTO!"

Sakura's head snapped upward. Sasuke's eyes widened. She put her hand to her mouth. He put his hand to his cheek.

"…Naruto…?" Sakura murmured.

**End Episode Nine**

A/N: Here it is, finally. The mystery of whom Sasuke likes has been solved. I chose Naruto because of the impact it would have on Sakura. If Sasuke had said Ino, Sakura would just get mad. Shikamaru – Sakura wouldn't really care. By making it Naruto, a person Sakura knows and trusts to a degree, Sakura will feel a huge amount of emotional upheaval. But, since I don't want to give away anything, I'll stop here.

A/N 2: Azumanga Daioh heavily inspired the 'Itachi rides a bike' sequence. Many thanks to Kiyohiko Azuma for creating such an amazing manga.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto, yadda yadda yadda, spare a square?

PAIRING UPDATE:

Mari/Shikamaru (FINALLY!)

Sasuke/Naruto (one-sided, and, again, FINALLY!)

Kabuto/Mrs. Yamanaka (one-sided, and God, Mrs. Yamanaka is becoming the Nazz of this story)

Gaara/Lin (and there are actually fans for this! Yay!)

Koku/Murdoc Niccals (one-sided, and kind of Shikamaru-ish)

**Preview for Episode Ten**

Yes, we finally know who it is that Sasuke is in love with. And what better way to ring in Episode Ten than with an explanation of the entire thing? Sasuke goes back to his academy days when he first met Naruto, their teammate days, and reflects on what his confession could to Sakura – and the other ninjas in California.

Next Time: Coming to America! Episode Ten: A Spiral in the Sand…

Sasuke: Love is blind.


	10. Episode 10 we are in fact still on air

**Coming To America! **

**Episode Ten: A Spiral in the Sand…**

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 10:15 AM, 3rd TUESDAY**

Sasuke took off. He couldn't believe it. He COULDN'T believe it. He had just told Sakura whom he loved.

_I'm so stupid! _Sasuke thought as he threw himself down a hallway. He was going to go into a dead-end alleyway, but Gaara and Lin were occupying it. This scene only made Sasuke even more distraught.

He dashed down another hallway and found a janitor's closet. Desperately, Sasuke jumped into it and locked the door. He sank to the cement floor, hitting a mop with his shoulder on the way down.

_I'm dead. I'm so dead. Sakura will tell Naruto all about it, I'm sure. _

_I mean, I told Shino because I knew he wouldn't tell. Shino is a good guy – a great guy._

_In fact, I think he introduced me to Naruto…_

_-_

_"Shino-san," Sasuke greeted Shino on their way to the Ninja Academy. Both of them, being only five years old or so, had a long way to go until they graduated. _

_"Sasuke-san," Shino nodded at him, pushing his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose. "How is your family?"_

_"They're doing well," Sasuke responded. "Today my mother is going to show me how to use poisons in battle. She says it's important to her. And your family?"_

_"Excellent," Shino answered. "Nothing out of the ordinary."_

_The two walked in silence to the Academy, which wasn't far off in the distance. Shino and Sasuke were a strange pair indeed; they barely talked in class, but weren't shy at all. Iruka didn't know quite what to make of them, but since their families were well respected, he left well enough alone._

_Today, however, a gigantic water balloon interrupted the two neophyte ninjas' silent walk. Sasuke was the intended target. The balloon, needless to say, hit its mark and drenched Sasuke through to the bone._

_Shino whipped around angrily to see a blonde kid wearing orange pants and a white tee shirt. He was giggling insanely and running from a few jonin._

_"Hah! Got you, hot-snot Uchiha!" the blonde kid yelled mockingly. The jonin became even angrier._

_"HEY! NARUTO! DON'T DISRESPECT THE UCHIHA CLAN!" one jonin yelled after the blonde kid. _

_Naruto (the blonde kid) dashed past both Shino and Sasuke, who followed him with venomous eyes. The jonin scrambled past a bit later, but it was clear that Naruto was going to be the winner here. _

_Shino turned to Sasuke indifferently. "Do you need a change of clothes? The Nara house isn't too far up. We can borrow some of Shikamaru's stuff…"_

_Sasuke shivered._

_"Sasuke-san, are you -?"_

_"Tell me something, Shino-san," Sasuke began, rather lightly, "was that a boy or a girl?"_

_"I believe it was a boy," Shino explained. "But what does that –?"_

_"He will wish he was never born," Sasuke muttered through gritted teeth._

_-_

_Alas, that never came to be. Sasuke's entire family – save him and his cursed brother Itachi – were slaughtered no more than a week later. Sasuke's hatred of Naruto was now a stupid, insignificant thought compared to the way he loathed Itachi, the brother he had once trusted._

_Sasuke went to stay with Shino for a while after the attack. They still walked to school in silence, but the silence was no longer contemplative. It was now disturbed, painful silence._

_Two weeks after the water balloon incident, Shino finally decided to talk. _

_"Sasuke-kun… do you remember that Naruto brat?" Shino asked. "How you said you would wish he was never born?"_

_"That's stupid, Shino-kun," Sasuke responded. "It wouldn't change anything."_

_Shino blinked. He could swear that he saw a blush rise on Sasuke's face._

_"Sasuke-kun… have you noticed that Naruto kid is in our class?" Shino asked furtively. Sasuke sighed._

_"Yes. But I don't want to hurt him, okay? If you want to, it's your deal, not mine."_

_Sasuke walked away from Shino, leaving him confused and lonely._

-

_That was when I first met Naruto, wasn't it? _Sasuke thought as he buried his head in his hands. _He soaked my clothes, and I had to borrow Shikamaru's._

_Did I ever get that shirt back to him?_

_Ah, who cares._

_But even then, I was falling for him and his cocky charms. I watched him in class every day, pretending to loathe him. But I couldn't. Not with Itachi out there._

_Two years passed like that, I think, _Sasuke remembered. He picked up a rock lying on the floor and pressed it against his palm. It left a small, spiral-like indent on his palm. _And I met Sakura for the first time. I liked her as a friend, but at this point, I was completely infatuated with Naruto… and I didn't realize it. Neither did she, thank God._

_Of course, Sakura has… and always will be… a narcissist. She doesn't realize that, in thinking only of herself, she will do herself and others irreparable harm sooner or later._

_Like she just did now. No doubt that everything's going to go downhill from here._

_God, Sakura, why?_

Sasuke gritted his teeth and slammed his head against the wall. A bruise formed on his forehead. Sasuke just got angrier. He didn't have his forehead protector! He wasn't a ninja here! He was NOTHING! NOTHING!

Sasuke stopped. He had heard this before…

_-_

_"I'm NOTHING! NOTHING!"_

_Sasuke and Shino tried to calm Shikamaru down. He was hysterical. Ino had just turned him down, and he… hadn't taken it well, to say the least. He was sniffling and sobbing and screaming stupid things._

_"Shikamaru-san, stop this…" Shino demanded kindly. "Yelling isn't going to get her back. Trust me on this one…"_

_Shikamaru sobbed again. He turned his watery, red eyes to Shino. "W-What am I g-going to do without her…? I L-LOVE Ino-chan… and I have ever since w-we were kids…"_

_Sasuke sat down next to Shikamaru and sighed. "You know, I'm in love with someone who will never love me back, too."_

_Shikamaru blinked, shocked into silence. _

_Shino also blinked, but he wasn't about to let that go without question. "What are you talking about, Sasuke?"_

_"I'm talking about a person that I love," Sasuke offered plainly. "A screw-up, sure, but I love him…"_

_"H-Him?" Shikamaru choked out. His tears were drying. "You like a boy…?"_

_"I do," Sasuke nodded. "I've never told anyone before, but I'm in love with Uzumaki Naruto."_

_It was Shino's turn to be speechless. Shikamaru, however, was baffled._

_"W-What is that supposed to mean?" Shikamaru blathered. "I mean, you're SASUKE! The coolest guy in school! And you like – love – I don't get it!"_

-

_Good old Shikamaru, _Sasuke thought. _And Shino's right. Thinking like that isn't going to set anything right. _

Sasuke took a look at his surroundings.

_This place is stuffy._

Sasuke walked to the other side of the cramped quarters, breathing slowly and calming himself down. He was about to open the door up when it slammed open, smacking Sasuke in the face and causing him to fall.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry!" the voice cried. It was female, but it wasn't Sakura. That was good.

Sasuke looked up. It was Orohime.

"Orohime…?" Sasuke mused. "What are you doing here?"

Orohime crossed her arms in an irritated manner. "Looking for you. Look, I'm sorry I was acting like an ass towards you."

Sasuke stood up shakily, pondering what Orohime had said.

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked. "You didn't treat me badly. You acted just fine."

"No, I wasn't acting 'just fine'," Orohime corrected. She closed her eyes, and a tearstain became visible on her glasses. Sasuke inhaled sharply. Orohime looked like she was about to go in for the kill…

_I don't like you… _Sasuke thought desperately.

"I was a bitch…"

_I DON'T like you…_

"And I just want you to know…"

_I DON'T LIKE YOU…_

"I was trying to break up you and Koku," Orohime revealed, her body shaking. "Sakura wanted me to, but then Asher told me that she was in love with Rock Lee and not you, like we thought…"

Sasuke was caught by surprise (and not only by surprise, but toothily unarmed). He didn't expect Orohime to say that, obviously. Orohime didn't seem like the type to do something like that…

"Wait. What?" Sasuke murmured in a confused voice.

Orohime narrowed her eyes. "Do you want me to repeat it?" She sat down on the floor. "I'm such a failure… the Astronominov clan will disown me…"

"Clan?" Sasuke repeated, now even more confused.

"My family is a clan," Orohime explained. "I'm supposed to be the heir – after all, my parents did name me Snake Princess. But now they'll probably give the family to Susan…"

Orohime continued to rant as Sasuke looked down and began to twiddle his thumbs.

_She's heir to a clan, then, _Sasuke thought to himself. _Just as I would have been…_

A nagging need gripped Sasuke's insides. Twists of guilt, pain and anguish ripped at his stomach. Itachi. How could he have lost sight of what was really important, here in America? Itachi was still on the loose, and, if what Gaara had told him was true, Kabuto was his new assistant. He had to be stopped.

"…It helps that Susan has a girlfriend…" Orohime muttered under her breath. "They like her, she's strong-willed and friendly and perfect in just about every way…"

Sasuke blinked. "Susan has a girlfriend? Don't you mean boyfriend?"

"No," Orohime retorted sharply. "His REAL name is Susan, but he prefers to be called Mandark. God knows it's a better name for him…"

Sasuke smiled. As Orohime babbled on about Mandark's perfect girlfriend (Nora was her name, apparently), he realized that it was foolish to worry about what Sakura knew. It wouldn't change anything. Itachi was still out there, and he had to be stopped.

"Orohime, thank you," Sasuke smirked before walking back into the hallway.

Orohime looked up and frowned.

"He is SO WEIRD…" Orohime grimaced, stuffing her hands in her pockets. She paused before snickering. "Oh yeah, this coming from the Quagmire fan-girl…"

-

Sasuke unlocked the Hyman house's front door. In systematically ignoring Sakura all day (which wasn't hard, because that's what he typically did), he got through his day rather uneventfully.

But then Sasuke heard a sound. An awful sound it was. Whoops, that was Yoda-esque, but the point isn't so hard to understand.

I mean, retching is hardly a pleasant thing.

"Who is that?!" Sasuke asked frantically. A gasping noise came from the bathroom with the Britney Spears poster. Sasuke ran down the hall to see Liam, in obvious pain, and Jerard, trying to get some 7-Up in Liam's stomach.

"Liam, bro, there's nothing left in your stomach," Jerard said, trying to use some simple psychology on Liam. Sasuke was speechless.

"How did this happen?" Sasuke asked angrily.

_Itachi, _Sasuke thought.

"Don't eat the pizza in the fridge," Liam managed to choke out before he vomited again.

_Or food poisoning, _Sasuke realized sheepishly.

Jerard looked at the bathroom. In the interest of decency, let's just say that it was pretty bad in there. Jerard sighed as he wiped… something… off of the wall with a washcloth.

"This is worse than that party that Paris Hilton threw," Jerard muttered. "Remember that, Liam?"

"Unfortunately," he whimpered. The color was returning to his arms.

A lightbulb went off in Sasuke's head. It couldn't have been food poisoning…

"I ate that pizza, too," Sasuke murmured. "Way before you did at lunch, anyway; I had it for breakfast. Liam, is there a sharp pain on the left side of your stomach?"

"Of course, I've been barfing all after –" Liam started up. Sasuke ran over to Jerard and grabbed his shoulders roughly.

"Jerard, he doesn't have food poisoning," Sasuke concluded. "His appendix just burst. Get him to the hospital!"

Jerard's eyes widened exponentially. He jumped up and ran towards the front door. "I'm driving!"

As Jerard ran out of the house, Sasuke hoisted Liam up in the crook of his arm. Sasuke grabbed a trashcan and emptied it on the floor before giving it to Liam. Sasuke was in mission mode.

"If you need to throw up, do it in that," Sasuke ordered.

"But the trash –"

"That's not an issue right now!"

Sasuke hobbled over to front door (it's kind of hard to walk with a near-invalid using you as a support beam) with Liam in tow.

"Liam, you're gonna be all right," Sasuke assured him. "Where I come from, people lived through appendicitis when they got it."

"I'm not worried about that…" Liam muttered weakly. "I'm afraid of Jerard's driving…"

Sasuke sighed. "It's either that or internal poisoning. Take your pick."

Sasuke shoved Liam into the back seat and ran around to the other side of the beat-up Mazda, jumping into the seat next to Liam. Sasuke buckled Liam into a seatbelt.

_He can't do much under his own power right now, _Sasuke thought.

"I'm afraid," Liam breathed. "I'm gonna die. I'm going to die. I can't die! I'm only fourteen!"

"Calm down!" Jerard yelled as he tore out of the driveway. He really was a maniacal driver.

"How can I calm down?" Liam snapped back. "I'M GOING TO BE DEAD!"

"SHUT UP!" Sasuke demanded. "YOU AREN'T GOING TO DIE!"

"I have APPENDICITIS! IT COULD BE TOO LATE!" Liam lamented, angry tears bubbling in his eyes.

_This day SUCKS, _Sasuke thought bitterly.

"I'M SCARED!" Liam screeched. He was beyond reasoning.

"Jerard, he needs to calm down!" Sasuke explained before he cocked his head. "Why are you playing with the CD tuner?"

"I'm working on the whole 'calming down' thing," Jerard replied as he ran a red light. A woman in a mini-van honked at him, but Jerard was too busy with the CD player.

"Track twelve… track twelve… COME ON YOU PIECE OF CRAP GO TO TRACK TWELVE!" Jerard screamed.

"I'M GOING TO DIE!" Liam moaned before doubling up and grabbing the trashcan.

"He's not doing good, Jerard!" Sasuke informed him urgently.

"The hospital is three minutes away!" Jerard answered quickly. "Yes! TRACK TWELVE! HALLELUJAH!"

"I… this… I'm too young!" Liam stammered. He was frantic and ill, not a good combination.

"PLAY!" Jerard stated, pressing the play button on the CD tuner.

A techno beat filtered through the car's tinny speakers.

"Techno? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO -?" Sasuke began before the lyrics kicked in.

_"It's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up – it's DARE!"_

Sasuke looked over to Liam. He wasn't chalk white anymore (he was now ash white) and he had stopped yelling. His breathing slowed down.

"What is this…?" Sasuke asked.

"It'd be the only song that calms Liam down," Jerard pointed out. "DARE, by Gorillaz."

_"You've got to press it on you… you just a-think it, that's what you do baby… Hold it down there…"_

"What an odd circumstance," Sasuke noted. "Isn't Liam usually a heavy-metal kind of guy?"

"Have you TRIED to calm someone down with heavy metal?" Jerard commented off-handedly. "Besides, DARE is his crush's favorite song."

"What?"

"Yeah. Liam has a few issues, though. He doesn't know… OH THANK GOD IT'S THE HOSPITAL!"

Jerard swerved into a parking space and slammed the breaks on. Sasuke found himself flung into the front seat. Jerard was already unloading Liam from the back seat.

"Hurry, Sasuke!"

Sasuke jumped out of the car and helped Jerard drag Liam towards the Sacramento Healing Heart Hospital.

**DIMMSDALE, CALIFORNIA: 3:59 PM, 3RD TUESDAY**

"This is crazy," Maru spat.

He was laying on a grassy knoll in Dimmsdale, watching cars, bicyclists, and people fly by near and on an intersection in the heart of the city.

All of a sudden, a gigantic portal ripped through the air above him. Iruka and Kakashi popped out, looking even more out of place than Maru did.

"Konohamaru?" Iruka asked.

Konohamaru (oh man now I have to type all this again) looked up and began to cry tears of joy.

"I WANT TO GO HOME!" Konohamaru begged. "It's so weird here, I can't take it anymore!"

Kakashi stuck his hand in the realm-tripping circle. "We are going home, Konohamaru. We have Itachi in custody, and now we need your help to find Kabuto…"

Konohamaru nodded his approval. The three of them leapt through the portal.

However, they didn't know that someone else followed them in…

You might think that the other someone is Seto Kaiba. Well, IT'S NOT! HAH!

It was actually someone much worse. It was Denzel Crocker.

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 4:12 PM, 3RD TUESDAY**

"He should be fine in ten days," the doctor told Jerard and Sasuke in the waiting room. The doctor was a brunette, with sparkling green eyes and a perfect smile. He was like George Clooney, when he was on ER. It was a rather frightening semblance, actually.

"Ten days? That… oh my God, no!" Jerard moaned.

"What? He's going to be fine," Sasuke reinforced. "Isn't that the most important thing here?"

"Yes," Jerard admitted, "but remember what's happening on Thursday?"

"…"

Sasuke was at a loss for words.

"NO," Sasuke blurted out. "NO THIS ISN'T GOOD."

"I have NO DRUMMER," Jerard moaned.

The doctor, God bless his soul, stood wordlessly through the remainder of the conversation.

"Does that mean you'll have to cancel the show?" Sasuke asked.

"I can't," Jerard explained. "Mimi is already there."

"Mimi?"

"Our guitarist. She lives in Ojai. I can't just call her up and say we've canceled it! She's been looking forward to it for weeks!"

Sasuke frowned. "So how are we gonna get a drummer…?"

Jerard and Sasuke thought for a while. At least, they were, until Jerard jumped up out of his chair.

"I've got it! We rig the Special Olympics!" Jerard yelled.

Sasuke blanched. "That was the plot of that movie we watched last night, remember?"

"Oh yeah…"

A few more ideas volleyed across the room.

"We rob a train!"

"That's what Peter Griffin did yesterday on Family Guy."

"We whore ourselves out to a thousand fat chicks, fifty bucks each…"

"That's what Glen Quagmire did Tuesday on Family Guy."

"We build a time machine and –"

"WE CANNOT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS! WE DO NOT LIVE IN THE FAMILY GUY UNIVERSE! AND THEY DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! HOW IS ROBBING A TRAIN GOING TO HELP US?! AND I'D LIKE TO STAY A VIRGIN FOR A WHILE!"

An awkward silence followed

Sasuke frowned. "If only… maybe you could… no, you can't train someone that quickly…"

Jerard looked over at Sasuke as a wicked smile broke out over his face.

"YOU!" Jerard screamed.

Now it was Sasuke's turn to be frantic.

"…WHAT THE HELL?!"

**End Episode Ten**

A/N: AAAAH! Good to be back! It's been a while, hasn't it? This chapter was really really hard to write, just so you know… I didn't want it to sound like that throwaway flashback episode of Lost. It still came off like that, though. Oh well.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto and I am not responsible if any yaoi fans collapse and need hospitalization. Don't try me. I'm onto you, yaoi fans! (shify eyes… JK, I love you guys.)

**Episode Eleven Preview**

In Sacramento, it appears that Sasuke is headed to New York to be the substitute drummer for 7 Licks. But that isn't the least of his troubles – his brother has appendicitis, and no one will be there for him! So Sasuke comes up with a plan: find his crush and get her to watch him! But there's one little problem with Liam's crush…

Also, we go a little ways back in time to see Sakura's reaction to Sasuke's sudden confession. Naturally, she's shocked, but what'll happen when Koku, of all people, comes to comfort her in her sorrow? Actually, why is EVERYONE she knows deciding to be weird around her?

In New York, everything is revolving around what could be the most important test of Naruto's skill yet: the Algebra test! With everyone on edge and a gang fight threatening to kill him, Naruto's going to need every ounce of courage and deceit available to him… And, in other news, Mari goes off and buys concert tickets to see 7 Licks! Who is she taking with her? That will be determined in time…

Finally, in Kansas, it's the breaking point for Temari, Darien, and Kiba. Temari knows that now is the time to destroy the love triangle, but she can't figure out a way to do it that doesn't involve killing anyone. Will she do the unthinkable?

Next time: Coming to America! Episode Eleven: What Do You Mean, You Don't Love Him?! Revealing Secrets to Be Lies!

Sakura: It's my shining moment!

Ino: Let's face it; the only shining moment you ever had on the main show was when you chopped off your hair. You will never again have a shining moment.

Sakura: SHUT UP!

Ino: MAKE ME!  
Brooke Valentine: There's about to be a GURL-FIIIGHT!

Choji: Who's Brooke Valentine…?


	11. Episode 11, sponsored by Satine89

**Coming to America! **

**Episode Eleven: What Do You Mean, You Don't Love Him?! Revealing Secrets to Be Lies!**

**NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 6:02 AM, 3****RD**** TUESDAY**

"Oh my God. Oh my God…" Naruto moaned. He had been pouring over his Algebra review sheets since five in the morning, and he had to admit that he'd never been so frightened in his life before.

_If I don't beat Penn, Tenten will end up with him. I CAN'T have that happen! _Naruto thought to himself. He took another sip of the triple-shot latte he had bought at Starbucks not two minutes ago. It was almost half-empty. Naruto was pretty jittery.

"The Pythagorean Th-Theorem… erm… A-squared p-plus B-squared equals C-squared… so if-if we wanted to find A-squared, we s-subtract B-squared…"

Naruto scribbled something down on his worksheet. The floorboards creaked. Naruto downed another third of the latte. His eyes were practically bouncing back and forth in his skull. In the background, the television played a really bizarre music video featuring Sean Paul.

_Whatever, _Naruto thought. _Sean Paul sucks as a solo artist. Why doesn't he just go back to the Black Eyed Peas or whatever that band was? Why am I even thinking about this? I should be focused on Algebra – ooh, look, the azaleas are – ARGH! FOCUS!_

Naruto looked down at his Algebra book, but it was no use. Triple-shot was proving to be too much for his tiny brain to handle. Naruto's eyes darted up to the TV screen. Sean Paul was still there. Back to the book it was. But Naruto's eyes darted back to the television. The video was over and now the Feel Good Inc. video was on. Naruto found himself fixated. It was… mesmerizing. The bass… the lyrics… Naruto dropped his book on the ground with a clatter.

THUD.

Naruto shivered. _Oh my God, it's only six o clock in the morning and I just dropped that book and it made a really loud noise and someone's going to kill me and I don't know what to do and this music video is really cool and why doesn't Sean Paul curl up and die and what if Tenten gets hurt and what if Penn's been studying too and what if I was to wear a green shirt to school and why is Hinata always in the back of my mind and what if Itachi is after Sasuke and why am I even thinking of Sasuke and why is that guy with the teal hair so good-looking and why is the world round and why am I ranting -?_

"Naruto?"

Naruto looked up to see Kinsey looking at him, the latte, and the television in confusion. Naruto looked around nervously.

"Oh, hey, K-Kinsey-oka-san," Naruto replied. "W-What's up?"

"Naruto, did you drop your book?" Kinsey asked confusedly. She brushed a strand of long, red hair out of her face. "And you look all jittery."

"I-I-I've been up s-since three," Naruto answered quickly. "And I-I went out t-to get that l-latte…"

Kinsey picked up the near-empty cup. "Triple-shot? Naruto, what on earth are you thinking?!"

"I-I was f-falling asleep! And I-I can't fall a-asleep now! I h-have a m-math test first p-p-period and this r-really evil guy is c-competing with me and if-if I don't get a b-better grade than he does, m-my friend h-has to d-d-date him!"

Kinsey stared at Naruto with wide eyes. "…Naruto, this isn't going to help." She gestured to the coffee. "Now it's gonna be impossible for you to sleep."

Naruto's eyes darted back and forth between Kinsey and Feel Good Inc. Kinsey looked over. The floating windmill was passing before that teal-haired man's eyes.

"That windmill…" Kinsey murmured. "A symbol of our lost youth and the simplicity of a far-gone world." Kinsey looked down to the jumpy, fearful Naruto. "It would be nice if that windmill existed."

The video went back to the inside of the tower, and to one of the most infamous scenes in any music video ever. (If you've never seen Feel Good Inc., watch it. The ending scenes… they deserved the infamy, but I enjoyed them, personally… heheheh…)

"And then there's our actual world…" Kinsey sighed, watching the animated mayhem.

"K-Kinsey-oka-san," Naruto muttered in a twitchy voice, "w-what if I l-lose?"

Kinsey smiled. "You won't lose if you get a little sleep. That coffee'll go right through you."

Naruto nodded soundlessly. "W-What is up with th-this music v-video? It's s-so g-gross…"

Kinsey shuttled Naruto off of the couch and into his bed.

-

It was 7:53. Seven minutes until the dreaded Algebra 8 test. Neji was apprehensive, at best. Naruto had already crapped his pants. Shikamaru and Mari were trying to get him to calm down just a little bit, but even Desperate Housewives wasn't placating him. He just curled up into a ball.

Mari searched around for a relatively harmless topic. "Uh… did you hear the new Gorillaz single?"

"FEEL GOOD INC.!" Naruto yelled in a frightened voice. He curled up into an even smaller ball. Mari looked at Shikamaru.

"What did I -?"

"Hey, Naruto, I hear that Venture Brothers is back," Shikamaru interrupted. "Don't you like Venture Brothers?"

"…I TiVo it," Naruto answered bluntly.

"Have you seen the newer ones?"

"Yes."

Naruto was clearly not in a talking mood.

It wasn't long before Yokorin, Palin, and Dosu descended upon the group.

"What are you guys doing?" Dosu asked worriedly. Palin was scribbling something in Hiruma-chan, oblivious to the world. Today, she was wearing something a little feminine – a set of Japanese _itako_ prayer beads. Neji eyed the beads nervously.

"Where did you get those?" Neji asked coldly.

Palin blinked before smiling and flipping through Hiruma-chan's battered pages. "Neji Lowenstein, isn't it?"

Neji nodded once. Just once.

"I got them from Penelope," Palin grinned widely. "She has all kinds of spiritual junk. She just got a new set of beads, so she gave me these ones."

Naruto was still shivering. Dosu sat down beside him.

"You didn't look good this morning, either," he remembered. "It's the test, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Naruto replied sharply. His eyes widened abruptly, and his knees locked. Yokorin, who, up until this point, had been relatively silent, turned in the direction Naruto was looking in.

"Oh, God," she murmured, clutching her backpack strap tightly. "The Scalpels."

"What?" Mari moaned, grabbing at Shikamaru. He flushed and said nothing.

Everyone else was in various stages of fear and shock. Neji grimaced and his eyes grew wide. Naruto grabbed at the back of the bench, trying to keep himself upright. Yokorin's feet refused to move, and she was murmuring gibberish under her breath. Palin pretended to be reading Hiruma-chan, but she kept scanning the same sentence as her face paled. Dosu grabbed Naruto's back and planted his feet firmly on the ground, ready to attack if he needed to.

And it wasn't just our little band of ninjas and school-goers that was frightened. Randall, who was not too far away, pressed himself against the wall, trying to avoid Penn's odious gaze. Penelope, who was walking along the opposite side of the chain-link fence that separated Longoria Casablanca from the rest of New York, felt the evil seep into her system and ran. Someone needed her help.

Kankuro walked out of the Art classroom just in time to see Penn and his gang of delinquents round on Naruto and his gang of random people. He, too, began to run.

"Are you ready to get your ass kicked?" Penn inquired with an evil sneer. Naruto's heart began to pound. Dosu glared at Penn angrily.

"Don't attack him," Dosu ordered. "Or you'll have to answer to ME."

Mari squeezed Shikamaru even tighter. "Will he be okay?"

Shikamaru didn't have an answer. He did see Penelope running towards them, but he kept that to himself.

"Really?" Penn said. He rounded on Dosu. "And what are you going to do to me, you pussy?"

"Ooh, name calling," Palin shouted over her shoulder. "How mature, Penn. Can't you just get a life and stop bugging us?"

"SHUT UP, DYKE!" Penn yelled back. Palin took a step backwards, offended. Her face contorted angrily.

"I AM NOT A DYKE!" she cried, dashing over to Naruto's side. She put up a fist.

"Ooh…" the rest of the Scalpels murmured. A particularly dense member of the Scalpels (who, for all intents and purposes, we shall call Albert) with flat platinum-blonde hair cocked his head and swooned.

"She's so pretty…" Albert sighed. Penn smacked him in the head.

"Shut up, Al," Penn demanded. Albert was on his back, trying to avoid staring at the sun.

Yokorin's knuckles had grown white from holding on to her backpack so tightly. She had figured out what to do, but she had to do it now, at 7:57, if she wanted to save anyone. Palin couldn't fight, even though, once upon a time, she had been a gang-banger herself – a member of the Red Butterfly Squad. Dosu could probably stand up to one or two of the Scalpels, but not all of them. Certainly not Penn. Because, from her angle, Yokorin could see the grill in his mouth and the brass knuckle attached to his thumb…

Yokorin screamed and threw her thirty-five pound backpack at Penn. It hit him square in the head. Kankuro skidded to a halt beside Naruto. Penelope ran up with her hands covering her face. Naruto unlocked his knees. And Penn fell, down to the ground, not unconscious, but scorned. A drama freak had bested him – and she was a GIRL, no less. Penn would never be able to live it down.

Albert got up off of the ground, dusted himself off, and looked down at Penn. He wasn't happy.

"Well, um… we could always go to class early," Albert offered.

"I'm going to kill that little – huh?"

Naruto and all of his friends had disappeared. While all the Scalpels had been distracted, Yokorin had grabbed her backpack and fled. She was followed by all of Naruto's friends, all the way around to the other side of the Art building – and directly in front of the Algebra 8 classroom.

The rest of the gang arrived in front of the cursed building right as the bell rang. Naruto's face clouded over and Neji shuttered. Penelope patted Naruto on the shoulder. Mari and Shikamaru ruffled his hair. Kankuro and Dosu punched him in the arm. Palin gave him a huge thumbs-up.

Naruto, Neji, and Kankuro all walked into the classroom; nervous and hoping that Tenten was safe…

-

"I can't believe you got food poisoning."

Tenten tried to hold her cell phone to her ear, but her arm was feeling rather limp.

"I know, it's so ridiculous," Tenten sighed weakly. "But it's really… URP…"

Dosu put a finger to the speaker on the pay phone to block out the sound. He put the receiver back on his ear.

"Shh," he murmured. "Don't talk. I just called to see if you had ditched… because Miss Perfect Tenten never ditches, EVER…"

Tenten growled. "I hate you!"

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 4:15 PM, 3****RD**** TUESDAY**

"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU, JERARD!" Sasuke yelled inside the hospital waiting room.

"Oh, I'm sure you can do it," Jerard reassured him. "You don't seem like the stage fright type –"

"THAT'S NOT IT!" Sasuke shot back. "I CAN BARELY PLAY THE DRUMS!"

Jerard snickered wildly. Sasuke gaped at him, afraid. The George-Clooney-Look-Alike Doctor, bless his poor overworked heart, stared silently at the two of them, waiting to ask about Liam's insurance policy.

"You are FAR too modest, dear Sasuke," Jerard explained. "When Mimi heard you play the other day, she thought that it was Liam. And Mimi is a good judge of -!"

"How did MIMI hear me play?" Sasuke inquired.

"I was talking on the phone while you were practicing," Jerard answered matter-of-factly. "But anyway, if you can fool my band, you could play at the concert!"

There was a very long silence shared between the two of them. Sasuke was trying to figure a way out of playing, and Jerard was now distracted by the movie playing in the waiting room. Sasuke wracked his brain, trying to think of any possible way to get a different drummer for Jerard.

_But, much as I hate to admit it, I consider Jerard a brother, _Sasuke thought. _Definitely more so than Itachi, even though I would much rather travel with Liam._

"Okay, I'll –"

"Oh my God, that line gets me every time I see this movie!" Jerard laughed. "I mean, seriously, Rob Reiner's mom, saying the best movie line EVER… hah…" Jerard turned to Sasuke, tears in his eyes. "Oh, oh-kay, what were you saying?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "First of all, you've watched this movie thirty-seven times since I've known you; get over it. Second, I'll go with you."

Jerard blinked. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

There was another silence, but this was one of those about-to-explode kinds of silences.

"YAY!" Jerard cooed, jumping on Sasuke and hugging him. Sasuke grimaced, trying to push Jerard off.

_What… a… WEIRDO…_

"Um… are you aware that the IV is not covered by your insurance provider?"

Jerard and Sasuke turned to see the flummoxed doctor staring at them. Jerard immediately let go.

"Oh, of course," Jerard nodded. "And… uh… I'm not gay."

Sasuke made an irritated noise. He was NOT going to enjoy New York. That was certain.

**THE LOSS FARM, KANSAS: 5:01, 3****RD**** TUESDAY**

Temari tied her hair back into one massive ponytail. She wanted it out of her face. What she was about to do would certainly anger the Loss family, her fellow ninja, the Hokage, and not to mention her dearly beloved siblings.

_Kankuro… Gaara… _

Temari adjusted the laces on her boots. She draped a red veil over her face and tugged on her coal-black earrings.

_I only hope that you had more fortune than I did in America._

Temari felt the bell sleeves on her red dress flitter in the wind. She had to run away. There was no other solution. If she ran, she could live out life as an unassuming American – not a Sand Ninja, frightened and worried.

She tiptoed past Choji's room, past the bunks that Kin and Ino shared, and – a pang of sadness filled her heart – past Kiba's sleeping frame. Akamaru murmured in his sleep.

Temari shook her head wearily.

_Why must it end like this?_

Temari ran through the living room and out the front door. A vehement breeze, intent on chilling her to the bone, greeted her. Temari pulled the veil up a little higher on her forehead and, clutching her suitcase, began walking in a westerly direction.

Wearing the traditional dress of a scorned female Sand Ninja, she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. Her conscience popped out momentarily.

_"Hey, Temari, why are you wearing the dress of the scorned?" _she asked, sitting on Temari's shoulder.

_I am scorned, _Temari thought.

_"Is this about Darien?"_

_Of course it is, _Temari thought with a sniffle. _I finally find the love I've been lacking… but I get a stalker along with it._

_"They say that if a Sand Ninja looks good in the scorning clothes, she will soon find happiness," _Temari's conscience offered hopefully.

_That's what they say._

_"I think you look good."_

_You're my conscience, _Temari sighed. _You're supposed to say that._

_"Oh come on. Your brothers would say that. Kiba would say that."_

_My brothers would ask why I was dressed like this. But I wouldn't tell them. I won't. Not until I reach Sacramento. That's where Gaara is, and if I find Gaara, I'll at least be with family again._

_"So you really think that all this will be solved if you just bolt. You've as good as failed your mission, Temari," _the conscience scoffed before disappearing.

Temari looked to her shoulder before sobbing. Now her only companion had deserted her.

"Why is it always me?"

"Because you are different."

Temari froze. She couldn't believe it. She didn't want to believe it. But there he was. Darien was standing right in front of her. Now Temari was truly scorned.

"Darien…" Temari couldn't even speak. She was at a loss for words.

It appeared that Darien was, too. His first words were confident, but now his utterings were shaky and disjointed. Temari felt her earrings hit her cheeks gently. Her veil moved slightly in the heavy breeze.

"…I'm… I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else," Darien stammered. "I'm… Mom…?"

Temari shuttered sharply. "…What?"

"Mom… is that you…? It looks… just like you…" Darien continued. "That ponytail… that veil… those shoes…"

Temari's mind was reeling. Everything was going wrong, and as soon as Darien found out that she wasn't his mom, she was as good as dead.

"…I'm not Mom," Temari said plainly.

Darien's eyes widened sharply. It was as if a knife had been planted into his back. Temari lifted her red veil to reveal that her mascaraed eyes were dripping with tears, carving twin black streams down her cheeks.

"I'm Temari… and I was trying to run away from you…" Temari admitted. "But you've won."

Temari's conscience reappeared. _"What are you doing?!"_

"This has to happen, apparently…"

_"Temari, STOP!"_

"…It's His will, you know? So… do what you must." Temari bowed her head. "I am already scorned. Nothing can bring me down further."

_"…Temari…"_

Darien looked at the utterly defeated Temari. Temari could feel him edge toward her, and felt the weight of her guardian angel on her shoulder, crying and pleading with her.

A hand ruffled her hair. It went askew and stray strands of hair soon flitted out of Temari's ponytail. Temari looked up confusedly. Darien looked blankly at her.

"I see it now… why I was so desperate to take you, as it were…" Darien clicked his tongue. "You… you look way too much like my mother. And my mom is the only thing I focus on these days. I want to find her… you see… I was… waiting for her…"

Temari blinked. "My mom is dead… she died for my brother… I miss her."

Darien, for the first time in a long time, gave a smile.

"Do you… want to look at the stars?"

"…Yeah. Maybe I will."

Temari's conscience grinned as well.

_"Well, aren't you the handful. I see why you're such a sought-after ninja… you are truly gifted, Temari."_

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 10:15 AM, 3****RD**** TUESDAY**

Sakura couldn't believe it. She slowly fell to the ground, knees buckled.

_Sasuke…?_

_In love…?_

_With Naruto…?_

She grabbed her lip celeritously, forcing her tears back into her shaking body. How could that be possible? How could all her years of trying – all of EVERYONE'S years of trying – been all for naught, seeing as he wasn't even interested in girls?

Sakura desperately tried to keep her cool.

"Mmm-bop… bep-I-na-wop doo-wop… yeah aah…" Sakura sang softly. She had to be happy. She had to keep calm. She could break down later. Not now. Not during school. "Mmm-bop… Oh God, WHY?!"

Sakura couldn't do it. She buckled under the pressure and began to cry. Every time she felt like she could get over it, a fresh new wave of tears clouded her face.

Luckily, Jackie and Orohime rounded the corner a few minutes later. They were obviously looking for Sakura. Orohime, wearing her red dress shirt with yellow hibiscus flowers on it and regular blue jeans, and Jackie, wearing a peasant top and blue thigh-length skirt, skidded to a halt after seeing Sakura.

"Sakura, I have something import –" Orohime began before noticing how beaten Sakura appeared. "Sakura, did something happen?"

"…Yes…" Sakura spluttered out. She put a finger to her nose, trying not to gross anyone out. Her nose was running, her makeup had come off with the salty tears, and her eyes were puffy and red. Sakura looked up at Jackie and Orohime.

"You… you didn't ASK him, did you…?" Jackie wondered aloud.

"…He doesn't like me…" Sakura whispered. She broke out into a fresh new wave of tears.

Orohime flinched.

_If Koku likes Rock Lee, and Sasuke doesn't like Sakura… _

_I think I failed my mission. _

Jackie became livid. "It's that Koku slut, isn't it?! I'm going to break every bone in her impossibly skinny body -!!"

"It's not Koku," Orohime and Sakura corrected simultaneously. The two of them looked at each other confusedly.

Orohime cleared her throat. "…Well, I found out a few minutes ago that Koku and Lee like each other. And I realized that we made a mistake…"

"…He likes someone from his hometown…" Sakura murmured. A tear trickled down her cheek.

_I can't believe it! _Sakura thought. _He likes Naruto!_

_"Kick Naruto's ass!" _Inner Sakura demanded.

_I can't do that. It isn't Naruto's fault. Naruto and Hinata are meant to be. He's started to realize that. But… Sasuke… and Naruto…_

Sakura sighed, more tears lollygagging down her cheek.

"SAKURA!"

Sakura turned around. Lo and behold, it was Koku Reeves dashing towards her. Sakura's eyes widened, Orohime blinked, and Jackie crossed her arms.

Koku stopped to catch her breath. Koku WAS notoriously bad at Phys Ed. She looked up to Sakura and her two friends before giving a casual wave. Sakura hadn't noticed it before, but there was a very pained expression on Koku's face.

"Sakura!" Koku blurted out again. "Sakura, I am SO SORRY!"  
"What?" Jackie spat.

"I thought that you were in love with Rock Lee!" Koku explained.

Sakura's lip twitched.

"And I don't know what it is, but I'm in love with him, and I thought you were just playing hard to get for him! I'm sorry about all of this! I didn't realize that you liked Sasuke…!"

Koku was in full-on groveling mode. Orohime found it rather interesting. Jackie thought that Koku was laying a trap for them.

Sakura was moved.

"…You don't like Sasuke?" Sakura mumbled.

"Oh God no!" Koku responded a little too harshly. Sakura's eye twitched.

Koku quickly did an about-face. "Not that he isn't good looking and all… I just see him as a friend! And not a very close one, actually. He's been acting sort of mopey today. And it's irritating the shit out of me."

Sakura had never heard Koku curse that badly before. She must have meant it.

Jackie blanched. "Koku, don't say stuff like that!"

"What? He's being a whiny bag of crap; it's annoying," Koku countered.

"No, you just cursed!" Jackie pointed out.

"Oh who gives a damn?" Koku countered with a smirk.

"I'm sorry that I was so weird to you then…" Orohime sighed. "I was trying to break up Sasuke and you."

"But we were never together," Koku said.

"I kind of missed that part, but whatever," Orohime shrugged. "And it's not like my mind works correctly anyway. I'm in love with a pervert who just might be my father."

Jackie, Koku, and Sakura stared blankly at Orohime. Orohime frowned.

"I was just kidding," Orohime added.

They still stared blankly at her.

"Oh you kids, with your music…" Orohime muttered.

"You're crazy, Orohime," Sakura finally said.

"Yeah, I guess so," Orohime shrugged. "I'm actually in love with one of my pen pals, in New York. He's really quite awesome. Even if he has more than a few screws loose."

Sakura's eyes widened.

"What's his name?"

**NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 10:13 AM, 3****RD**** TUESDAY**

"God I HATE Study Hall!" Naruto cried out. Shikamaru whacked him over the head with his Biology book.

"Shut up, Naruto," Shikamaru hissed. "You should use this time wisely, Naruto."

Naruto looked over at Shikamaru's desk. "You're passing notes."

"Exactly. I'm using time wisely. Besides, this is the only time of day where all the ninja and all of our new friends are together in one room."

"And your girlfriend!" Naruto grinned widely.

Shikamaru turned crimson red. "Yeah, well… she's… ah…" Shikamaru continued to mutter unintelligibly.

Yokorin, who sat in front of Naruto, turned around with a note in her hand.

"Hey, squirrel boy," Yokorin said. "This is from Mari. Give it to Palin when you're done with it."

Naruto looked around nervously. What would Mari want with him?

_Oh God, what if she's… cheating on Shikamaru?!_

_Well, he IS kind of lazy. He should pull his own weight around more often. _

_Or maybe all she wants to do is show him the little bit of spine she's been saving for his mattress._

_…Oh my God, did I just think that?_

Naruto opened the note.

_Shikamaru and I are going to the 7 Licks concert this week, _it read._ We're going to the Friday show. We were wondering if anyone else wanted to go. _

_(7 Licks is a punk-rock/alternative band. NO RAP.)_

Naruto raised an eyebrow. _Rap is all right… _He continued to read.

_Write your name down on this paper. You'll have to pay me back for these – I'm not paying for any freeloaders. And that means YOU, Penelope. They cost thirty bucks a pop. I already have about seven extra tickets – all hail my dad's work! ____ Mari_

Naruto looked at the people who had written their names down.

_Neji… Tenten… Penelope… _Naruto smirked. _Kankuro, but he's only going so he can ogle at Penelope… and Yokorin… So that equals five. If I go, that equals six. Would anyone else go?_

_…Whatever, I'm going._

Naruto scribbled his name down onto the piece of paper before handing it backwards to Palin.

"Psst," Naruto spat.

Palin looked up from her English homework. "Naruto, for the last time, I don't need any help with this essay."

"No, look in my hand…" Naruto whispered urgently. Palin looked in his closed palm. She surreptitiously stole the note out of his hand.

"Thanks."

"No big."

Naruto turned back to his own project. He was trying to draw a picture of Hinata, so he could show Vance what she looked like. Naruto was beginning to suspect that maybe Hinata was the right girl for him.

It was either Hinata or Sakura. Naruto was so confused anyway.

Vance was sitting to Naruto's right. Naruto looked down at his pathetic attempt to draw Hinata. He sighed.

"Shikamaru," Naruto hissed.

"What now?" Shikamaru asked irritably.

"Can you draw a picture of Hinata?"

Shikamaru turned bright red. "No way, man! I can't draw a picture of another girl! I'm dating someone!"

Naruto bit his lip. "Some friend you are."

"Bite me."

"Ew…" Palin murmured. Naruto and Shikamaru turned around.

"7 Licks?" Palin said aloud. "They're… weird. I like Fall Out Boy much better."

"But Fall Out Boy and 7 Licks sing the same kind of music," Shikamaru pointed out.

"Fall Out Boy is… sexier," Palin answered.

Naruto and Shikamaru blinked.

"…Sexier?" Naruto repeated dully before the classroom door slammed open.

"WHERE THE F IS NARUTO RINKER?!" the figure standing in the doorway yelled. He had long, dirty-blonde hair, brown eyes, and he was obviously a strange one. This figure was holding a stack of papers precariously in his arms. Behind him was another figure. This guy was a little more clean-cut, with black hair and green eyes. The other figure was wearing slacks and an Azumanga Daioh tee; the profane blonde kid was wearing beat-up jeans, a white wife-beater, and a short-sleeved flannel over that.

Naruto didn't want to stand up.

"Who IS that guy?" Shikamaru wondered.

"He's our new assistant director," Vance replied quickly. Shikamaru and Naruto cocked their heads. Vance sighed.

"You" (Vance pointed to Naruto) "were excused because you started hyperventilating and blacked out. You" (now Vance's finger traveled to Shikamaru) "were making out with Mari and didn't come back for an hour. And, by the way, we changed the wording for the line on page 37."

Shikamaru twiddled his thumbs and blushed.

"Anyway, that's our assistant director for Spamalot," Vance explained. "He never said his –"

"Jay?" Yokorin murmured to the blonde kid.

**SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 3:46 PM, 3****RD**** TUESDAY**

"I can't believe it…"

Sakura lit an incense stick inside her bedroom. There were five of them, strategically placed around her room, in the shape of a pentagram. Sakura made the sign of the boar with her hands and focused. Suddenly her hands began moving rapidly.

"Sun, Moon, Earth, Fire, Water, Metal, Wood, Star, Air, Sun, Fire, Wood, Star -!"

Sakura stopped. Her fists were placed directly atop each other – the symbol of star.

The smoke from the incense sticks formed connecting lines. Each stick had what appeared to be string attaching them in a pentagonal shape. Sakura fists opened up.

"Sun!"

Sakura quickly made the sign of the tiger.

"_Arte de Mañana!_" Sakura yelled. The world around her froze in its tracks. The smoke connecting the incense sticks stopped billowing. Her alarm clock stopped blinking at her. Her computer was no longer filtering Zen music.

Sakura wiggled a finger. The Art of Tomorrow – _Arte de Mañana_ – had worked. Sakura looked down at the circle she had drawn on the ground. She carefully lowered both hands into it.

"I am looking for someone," Sakura intoned clearly. "His name is Hayate Gekko. Bring him to me."

Sakura lifted her hands upward. A transparent body followed her hands upward. She spread them out. Gekko Hayate stood before her. He blinked before looking around.

"Oh… it's only you, Sakura," Hayate murmured. "I was afraid… no one's called for me in a while."

"It was months ago, wasn't it?" Sakura remembered.

"Yeah… but where are you, Sakura?" Hayate wondered. "This is not your room in Konoha…"

"It's my room in America," Sakura explained. "But that's not why I wanted to talk to you."

"…Okay, shoot," Hayate said.

"You know about Uchiha Sasuke, right?" Sakura asked. A tremor returned to her voice.

"…Yes. You like him very much, right?"

"I love him," Sakura corrected. "Well, anyway, today… he… he told me… he told me that he was in love with… with…"

"It'll be all right, Sakura," Hayate smiled, hugging her gently. Sakura pushed herself away.

"NO!" Sakura yelled. "IT WON'T BE ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE HE'S IN LOVE WITH NARUTO!"

Hayate's hand snapped. "…With Naruto?"

"Yes, with Naruto!" Sakura repeated before she started crying once more. She fell to the ground. "Hayate-san… I trust you more than any ninja in the world… what do you think I should do?"

Hayate was silent for a long time. He crouched down to Sakura's level.

"There's only one thing you can do," Hayate whispered. "You'll have to move on. There's nothing else that'll work." He wiped a tear from Sakura's cheek. "Your father trusted me very much. I'm glad to know that you trust me as much as he did."

"Is my father all right up there?" Sakura asked.

"He's very proud of you," Hayate responded. "He always has been. You're his little girl."

Sakura smiled. "Hayate-san, how does one go about… moving on?"

"One has to overcome the heartbreak. That will take time. Trust me. In your case, it may be years before you are completely over Sasuke."

"Years?"

"Sometimes. One of the legendary Sannin was in love, and their object of affection died. The Sannin still hasn't gotten over it."

"Even…" Sakura's eyes widened. "Even the legendary Sannin?"

"It's part of life, Sakura," Hayate said, ruffling Sakura's hair.

**KONOHAGAKURE: 4:02 PM, 3****RD**** TUESDAY**

"WE CAPTURED ITACHI!"

"HOO-RAH FOR THE JONIN!"

"ITACHI IS IN CUSTODY!"

"DO NOT LIVE IN FEAR!"

Gai and Asuma glared at Iruka and Kakashi. They were acting like idiots, as always. Gai returned his focus to the magical Crystal Ball of America. He could see whichever ninja he wanted through it.

"How are our little chunin ninja?" Asuma asked, taking a sip of tea.

"They all seem to be going through the rounds," Gai explained. "For the first time, they are acting like true teenagers. Shikamaru is in a relationship…"

Asuma spit out the tea.

"Shikamaru?!"

"…And Sasuke is going to play the drums for a band."

Asuma was startled. "So they aren't acting like ninja at all. They're… normal…"

"WE GOT ITACHI!" Kakashi cried out.

"SHUT UP!" Anko, who was in another room, threw a television at Kakashi.

Asuma laughed before turning back to Gai. "What will Sandaime Hokage think of those two now?"

"Well, we have Itachi," Gai responded. "I guess that's a good thing."

"How did they catch him?" Asuma inquired, wiping his mouth.

"With some help from Konohamaru, apparently."

"Wow. Konohamaru appears to be maturing quickly."

"Now if only we could find Kabuto, everything would be perf – oh my God."

Gai and Asuma leaned close to the Crystal Ball of America.

"It's turning red!" Asuma gasped.

"Someone is using a ninja art," Gai glowered. "An actual ninja is using a true ninja art… and a powerful one at that…"

"But… when Ino tried to use a ninja art, she couldn't," Asuma spluttered. "Why is this -?"

"This ninja is very focused," Gai answered. "He – or she – purposely broke not only the rules, but the barrier preventing ninja arts in America."

"Which ninja is it?" Asuma asked breathlessly.

"I can't tell. The entire ball has turned red… it must be an extremely powerful art."

Asuma and Gai looked at each other before jumping up out of their seats.

"HOKAGE-SAMA!"

**End Episode Eleven**

A/N: I know it's been quite a while since you've seen or heard from me. This is partly because of a) a lack of internet, b) a rash of really bad relationships, c) writer's block concerning what I consider to be one of the most important parts of the story, Art of Tomorrow (oops, I let that one slip didn't I), and d) exams. I'm really working hard on Episode 12, seeing as it's a bridge to Episode 13, where we start a rather important Konohagakure arc, and we actually get to know some of the OCs better.

A/N 2: I rewrote the description of the story because I hated it with a passion.

DISCLAIMER: Hey, whaddya know, I don't own any of this shit. Seriously, do you think someone with my brain power would be able to get the rights to Naruto?

**Preview of Episode Twelve**

The entire story of what happened to Darien and Nancy's family is going to come out! Why did Darien stalk Temari? Why does Nancy have an accent? And what REALLY happened to Mr. Loss? Temari is about to get all the answers underneath the starry sky in the dress of the scorned!  
In Sacramento, a day has passed since the fateful Sasuke-confession incident. Sasuke is leaving for New York in just one day, and Sakura feels the need to act. But sometimes the best advice comes from unexpected places…

Then, in New York, Yokorin is shocked by the appearance of ninth-grade slacker Jay and his best friend Bob. Apparently Yokorin and Jay go back a ways, and now guess who wants to go to the 7 Licks concert? But, more importantly, Jay has Naruto's Algebra test grade, and that has a lot more than just summer school riding on it… will Tenten be forced to go out with Penn? What will Neji have to say about it? WHY IS BOB NOT SAYING ANYTHING?!

Finally, in Konoha, Iruka, Kakashi, and the Third Hokage are interrogating Itachi, asking about his plans and what he's planning to do with the ninja in America. Itachi, however, is pretty smart, even if he has been driven insane. Therefore, Gai and Asuma's interruption puts the gears in Itachi's mind in motion…

The highly successful Coming to America has been picked up for another season! Don't miss what promises to be another exciting episode of everyone's favorite screwball-ninja-romantic comedy (ro-screw-nin com?)!

Next time: Coming to America! Episode Twelve: Just Because We Serve You Doesn't Mean We Like You – The Last Day With Sasuke!

Neji: Tenten, on my honor… I WILL NOT LET PENN DEFLOWER YOU!

Tenten: Eew. I think I can do that on my own…

Sakura: Wait… if Hayate's dead, but Dosu isn't… when does this story take place?

Kabuto: Yeah, when does this story take place?

Shikamaru: You know what, stop asking questions! (turns to Sakura) When did your dad die?


End file.
